Eye Contact

[Seagreen]

Does anyone else struggle with eye contact? I find it really daunting and often find myself looking away and down to avoid looking at someone in the eyes. It bothers me because I think it can look deceptive and that is not what I intend. Has anyone been able to overcome it and what techniques helped?

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

In a situation where I'm in authority, like at work, I have zero issue with eye contact. But in a situation where I feel emotionally fragile or vulnerable, it's all I can do to bring myself to even glance at the person I'm with, never mind lock gazes. For me atleast, this leads me to the conclusion that the real problem is feeling vulnerable and out of control. I hope that as I resolve this and feel more centered and authoritative within myself, the eye contact will follow.

 

[Hope4Now]

It depends on which par(s) of me are at the fore. I can be very intense in my gaze with people--I can't quite sort out when or why but I know I am. I have to be careful of this because it can make some people uncomfortable.

I have profound difficulty making eye contact when I'm feeling vulnerable, as @theshadowoftheliving says. Mostly this means that when I have to talk about myself personally in any way or listening to someone who is talking about me personally.

When I am listening to someone else talking about themselves, or I'm trying to figure out what's going on with someone else, or I'm solving some issue for someone else, I seem to have an easier time with eye contact. Also, I have been practicing for many years making eye contact with people I don't know. This has gotten easier over the years. Saying hello to someone passing on the street, or chatting with someone behind the cash register at the store.

I had to learn to do these things because at some point as a child, I developed a complete phobia of eye contact. Any sort felt very threatening to me. As if someone looked at me and I them, I would be annihilated. Part of this came from being exposed to a horror movie my dad was watching one day. But that just gave a concrete focus to my already existing phobia.

 

[Beachlife09]

Does anyone else struggle with eye contact?

Oh yes. Most definitely. But mine's because one of the rules my kidnapper's had was "NO EYE CONTACT" because i was their slave. And if i didn't obey the rule, i was punished. So.... it's carried over even now that i'm back and i can't look anyone in the eye... it makes me so nervous when someone wants me to look at them.

Has anyone been able to overcome it and what techniques helped?

i'm still working on it, but i've found that one way is to get comfortable with making eye contact with someone you're close to first and have both of you stand in front of a mirror and try to make eye contact in the mirror. This has to be done over and over though. But that's all i've been able to come up with... i'm sorry i'm not more help :sorry:

 

[Seagreen]

Sorry to learn I'm not the only one with this problem here.

Maybe ill try practicing eye contact. Usually the more I think about it, the worse it gets. I also get really tense when I talk to people. It's a real effort unless it's someone that I know well and like. I'm often confused about how to ’act’ in social situations. Im starting to think I missed out on something developmentally.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

I really struggle with eye contact when I am speaking to someone else, especially my therapist. I suck at small talk and when I am anxious I have the tendency to stutter. I am just not a fan of talking, in general, and prefer to be quiet. My friends tell me I am a great listener. Anyway I am trying to do better especially in therapy. My T says that she feels more connected to me when I am able to look at her.

 

[desiderata310]

Right here.

Mostly, any medical professional who knows about my trauma. I was actually able to look at my therapist the first couple of sessions. Then I disclosed a bit of trauma and I haven't been able to look him in the eye since. *sigh* I actually haven't looked directly AT him in about a year. Terrified to do so..

I have been working on that .. sort of on my own. I sneak peaks at him. Stupid but that is scary as hell. Again, I'm a grown ass woman, this is one of the gentlest people you will ever meet

I'm also "boss" to about 80 of the meanest, orneriest, strangest group of people out there. Even TRIGGERED by these people I can maintain eye contact. I have to- I'm in charge.

Not sure what to do about all of that..

 

[Hope4Now]

@Seagreen...when you practice, start slowly. Don't aim for the eyes right away. Try whatever works and move up from there (e.g., I can stare quite comfortably at my therapist's feet, or at someone's ear, for example). Then I work on trying to raise my gaze, if only for a second, to their eyes.

 

[Hope4Now]

Stupid but that is scary as hell. Again, I'm a grown ass woman, this is one of the gentlest people you will ever meet

Not stupid at all. I have similar issue.

I'm also "boss" to about 80 of the meanest, orneriest, strangest group of people out there. Even TRIGGERED by these people I can maintain eye contact. I have to- I'm in charge.

:roflmao: This made me laugh (empathetically). It so resonates. I think it does have to do with not only being in charge, but feeling in charge. How to shift that to other parts of our lives is a tough one.

 

[Beachlife09]

start slowly. Don't aim for the eyes right away

Absolutely. The only time i've ever been able to look straight in someone's eye since i've been home is when i'm really angry and feeling defiant. Maybe that will also help @Seagreen : Motivate yourself before and during practicing by saying things like "i matter", "they won't judge me", "i'm an equal", etc. But say things that would counter the things you feel keep you from making eye contact.

 

[Lucycat]

Does anyone else struggle with eye contact?

Yes!

I didn't realise that I was not making eye contact until my T brought it up. Then I became aware that I rarely look people in the eye. T asked me to do a specific session on it. So the challenge in one session was to look him in the eye. I found it very difficult, but when I managed it his face broke into a huge grin and I felt wonderful! Then I could not stop blushing, but it was great it broke the spell.

I still find it difficult, but I know I can do it, and practice now and again with unsuspecting people.

 

[Ronin]

Mhm, I don't think this will help much, though I re-learned eye contact by curiosity. Eyes talk so much, can help me learn about the other person even if otherwise they're good at controling their body language, so let's see how much we can share in the short while. If anything. From that point prolonging the time of looking into someone's eyes & the circle of people I did it with. Until I got right with whom, how long, and in what fashion. Practice doesn't perfect make, but new natural, yes.