Sufferer Struggling With Ptsd From Domestic Violence

[desiderata310]

Ok...well let's see, six years of domestic violence and all of a sudden things just go back to normal? No I'm certain it's more complicated than that. The fact remains none of that had gone away. I'm not about to sit here and judge your choices. That would be 10,000 kinds of wrong.

You talk about adding stress to your children's lives but they already live in the same stress pot you live in. YOU being unhealthy is worse for them than anything. At the end of all of this if you're really worried about your kids look at YOUR health (mental and physical)and make a decision based off that. They are only as healthy as you.

If you do nothing else get space- real space from him and figure out who you are. Talk to your therapist about how that might work and how best to achieve it.

Personally I am working with a therapist who is a LCSW and specializes in trauma. As a result he has access to and understand resources better than most.

 

[Bahaba]

Ive been reading about PTSD and some suggested to get on a forum and talk with others. I really appreciate you all taking your time to talk with me. Ive got a lot to figure out. I agree, maybe the change in me isnt the best for my kids, im on edge a lot. I dont ever take it out on them, Its self-hatred I suffer from. But Im sure they see that. Im sure leaving would give me some peace in my being. I think Im just so exhausted and have a severe lack of self confidence that I can make it on my own. I dont feel like brushing my teeth, brushing my hair, getting dressed, I have zero motivation. How do I get up and make such a huge move like that? I dont want to do anything....Im just worn out. Maybe talking about it with someone will give me some motivation. I know antidepressants would help but they make my memory foggy and then i start feeling stupid. After years of getting hit in the head I believe my short-term memory is compromised. So when i forget something (which is quite often now) I get the fight or flight feeling and hate my husband for hitting me so much. Its been over a year and a half and I feel like its still happening.

 

[OneLife2Live]

I want to forgive and move on from all that has occured for the sake of my family but I just dont know how to live with this feeling, or how to get rid of it.

I too am dealing with PTSD for being in an abusive relationship, as well as, other things that has happened to me as a child and growing up. I was married to an abusive man. We were together for about 4 or 5 years. There was a brief period of about a year when he did not physically hurt me....that ended and he began physically harming me again...and much worse than the previous times. Needless to say, I saw he wasn't going to change and I hated my life and who I had become....so I left. I wish I could say I left and never looked back, but that isn't the case. I look back way too often. I fear going through the torture and torment. I am filled with anxiety from the past and it affects my present and could affect my future. I also feel shame...that I allowed someone to hurt me and have control over me. I am much happier, and have an awesome life, and have been with an AMAZING man for the past 5 years, but years of trauma still wears on me. I know you don't want to hear this because I didn't either, but you need to leave. Take you and your family and get away where he cannot find you. What you are living with is not love it is control. It is not a healthy relationship. Think about what you are doing to your kids by them being in an abusive environment. I know escaping is easier said than done, but with planning and preparation it is possible. There are many resources out there for you. I wish you the best and happiest life possible, but you will never know of that life until you do something about the current situation you are in. And I am speaking from experience!! The best thing I did was leave and start my life over. I felt like I got a second chance at life :)

 

[shimmerz]

This is a tough one. I hear what you are saying @Bahaba , very clearly in these statements:

I dont feel like brushing my teeth, brushing my hair, getting dressed, I have zero motivation. How do I get up and make such a huge move like that?

I just wish I could find a way to deal with this without my family suffering anymore heartache and pain. Sure I may feel better not having him around but that just opens the door to more uncertainty Im afraid of. I can leave and feel better myself but add stress to my kids lives. I just feel so torn.

Especially when there is no 'reason' (no physical abuse at this time) to say to yourself, yes, I must leave. It can completely screw with your head.

Here is a bit of my history that maybe you will be able to relate to. Somehow I had completely forgotten about this until I read your posting.

I left my abusive situation. I rented a house and stayed there. I would go back and leave as the abuse dictated. My ex and I had a long talk and he showed me that he would not abuse me anymore. I thought. Unfortunately, I had been conditioned to look at abuse as XYZ. When I would go back to the house it would take on the form of ABC. I hadn't been conditioned to look for ABC because I was on the lookout for XYZ. As long as XYZ wasn't happening I felt like any problems that were happening were because of me somehow.

I gave up the rented house thinking that things were okay and was continually reminded that XYZ was not happening anymore, which was true. When ABC started to take its toll on me I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I eventually went to a counsellor (DV) and recognized through counselling that I had talked myself into the fact that the problems the family was having were my fault. *heavy sigh*. Counselling showed me that there were, in fact, very real problems still coming from the husband but I wasn't seeing them as such because what I had lived through prior was so messed up that this seemed like a walk in the park, and besides it was me f*ing the relationship up. Um. Nope. Wasn't me.

I just feel like if you got an external perspective it would be helpful so that you can focus on the here and now rather than the past. DV screws with cognition in a really insidious way. One tends to see through a thick, pea soup-ish kind of fog that one may need help pulling back in order to understand what is happening - truly....in the present.

An abuser can find many ways to abuse. And we don't always see those things once we have been groomed to accept a certain form of abuse. 'Well it isn't as bad a XYZ, so it doesn't count". So.not.true.

Not sure if this helps. What I do know is that you deserve peace. Don't give up on that k?

 

[Bahaba]

I watch like a hawk for the ABCs! I cant take even the slightest insult, off look.. Im cant tolerate anything, If it cant be good then Im just going to leave. He knows this. I was definitely primed to take abuse from my childhood family. I have stood up for myself with them too. Thats one of the reasons ive turned to the forum for someone to talk to. They cant deal with me not taking their abuse and standing up for myself. Not taking abuse from my family is considered mean. To everyone Im just a grump negative bit@#... I just cant take anything from anyone anymore. Maybe its a defense mechanism I feel like i have to do to keep myself safe. Its definitely changed my personality. I used to be carefree happy and fun loving, now im on edge and snappy with anyone who does the slightest thing wrong. I do well around my little ones when no adults are around, Im so happy. They dont judge me, my babies just love me. If I didnt have that I dont know what I would do.

 

[mamachick]

HURT people, hurt people. Abused people who do not get the help that they need often end up taking it out on others. The anger is displaced. That can be why some abuse in a relationship. So I do understand where you are coming from in stating that leaving may just add more stress. If you would date, you would likely always be alert for this. I think that its ok if others think you are hardened right now, I know I am. It feels like a defense mechanism to me too.

 

[Bahaba]

I feel like I went through it for so long its like "muscle memory". Just constant reactions in my body. It's draining the life out of me.

 

[shimmerz]

I just cant take anything from anyone anymore. Maybe its a defense mechanism I feel like i have to do to keep myself safe. Its definitely changed my personality.

Completely get this. I hope whatever you decide, you get to the peace you deserve. :hug::hug:

 

[Bahaba]

I don't know the right decision to make. I just wish I could find a way to quit being so angry until then.

 

[shimmerz]

DV counselling helped me a ton. It really set my head straight.

 

[Bahaba]

I'm going to look into it, I guess since I haven't been physically abused in a long time I didn't think of them as an option. I'm going to go to a PTSD therapist next Wednesday. I will talk with the DV place in my town. Idk if you have to have an open case to have them council you. I will find out. It's nice just to have someone to talk to.

 

[desiderata310]

As I recall they do an intake and then set you up with classes or someone to talk to.
GENERALLY, They aren't interested in opening a 'case'- just a file since many are non-profits. They want the data for that stuff.
Sometimes there is a waiting list depending on where you live. Pretty sure a big city is going to have more pressure on their services.