C-ptsd And Sexual Development

[garden]

In my mind, if it gets you off it is ok for you to do with consenting partners. You don't need to have a certain type or quality of sex life in order to meet other peoples approval.

This really resonates with me. I had to overcome being frigid. That is not something that I could actually share with anyone, and until I had a trusted person in my life that I knew to was safe, I could not even imagine trying to be intimate. I judged myself for being like this, for being broken. I believe that I did this because everybody else was gettin down, so I should be too. I attracted men, why was I so stinkin scared of them? It was as if there was this standard that I was unable to live up to. I came to realize that my sexuality is no longer subject to anything or anyone outside of myself, and I set out to re-learn, and to heal that part of myself, on my own terms and in my own time. I hope that this can give hope to someone out there. You can heal.

I know that I'm not the only one, but I also know how hard it is for anyone to admit something like this in a world that is so overtly sexual. I often over heard persons who bragged about their sexual exploits (men & women), but I've never heard anyone say something like " I really like him, but while we kiss and touch I feel myself leave my body" or " when he touches me, at first it feels good, and then I'm numb and I don't feel anything." Another example " I get really frightened when we get too close physically, even though I understand intellectually that I'm safe..." These were the kinds of things I was experiencing, and I said those kinds of things to my therapist, and that is when my healing began...after I brought it out into the open.

I think you have to start by paying attention to the process that your body is going through, whether it be the manner of arousal, or the lack thereof, and everything in between. You have to explore yourself gently, and with compassion, and the healing will unfold.

 

[Anarchy]

Does anyone else here who has Link Removed find that their experiences have completely shaped their sexuality?

Not completely, but with hindsight, in quite significant ways, yes, and I'm male.

Given the geographical distribution of members [no pun intended], I'm guessing that around half of the males who visit the forum have been mutilated, and about 1/4 of the males in the world. There are effects attributable to that (compare and contrast American vs British, or even better continental European male college humour genre films) but for most, I'm guessing that it wouldn't be considered traumatic.

For some reason or other (age it was done, way it was done over several days, other pre-disposing factors, or later injuries and persistant embarrassing pain resulting from it - I don't know) it does seem to have been a big part of my complex mix.

I haven't gone the masochism and humiliation route, though I know of some who have, It's been much more to do with insecurity and fear of further humiliation and injury, which certainly precludes the promiscuity route.

 

[Mit]

For me this is one of those posts you can spend your whole life waiting for.

@SwordintheStone huge respect to you for having the courage to open up about this.

Does anyone else here who has Link Removed find that their experiences have completely shaped their sexuality?

Yes - totally. My behaviour started in adolescence, 40 years ago, and I still do it.

I can't get turned on by thinking of any of the healthy things I want in a relationship one day, only by thinking of debasing things being done to me as a kid. I hate it,

I have the same issue - I don't like it either, it makes me feel very negative about myself.

I was born with a congenital deformity of my penis which was so severe I had repeated corrective and reconstructive surgery from age 3 to 16, thirty operations in all, plus a couple of very questionable acts by medical staff which with hindsight were probably acts of abuse. I used the experiences and memory of shame, humiliation, pain, being constantly touched and exposed to adults who had power over me, to abuse myself sexually. I've always done this in secret, on my own.

and I can't bring it up with my therapist because I feel like the only person who this is happening to, so how could he understand?

I opened up to my therapist a little while ago. It wasn't easy, and my therapist is female so that seemed to make it harder. But she has been totally understanding, hugely sympathetic and supportive. If you feel comfortable with your therapist and when the time is right for you, I am sure he will be completely understanding, not shocked or even surprised, and should be able to help you.

In my case I do want to stop. I have a partner who does not know I still do this, so its not good for our relationship, and I am too ashamed to tell her. It also makes me feel very depressed and worthless after. It's an ingrained habit so it is very hard to stop, but my therapist is helping me to think of other ways to 'self sooth'.

But that's me. I also agree with what other brave souls have said above. As @rightkindofme put it...

In my view of the world, if you have an adult partner who will negotiate carefully and respect your boundaries, there is no reason to feel shame about what gets you off.

I hope it helps to know you are not alone in feeling this way. Reading the comments above has really helped me feel less isolated and ashamed, and I hope this is true for you too.

 

[Chava]

One or two more things I'll add is that sometimes I have fantasies that are related to my being abused, but they are in some alternate consensual universe. But when the same acts happen in real life I completely freeze or fill with rage. I've gone from promiscuity and zero boundaries while drunk to totally impossible boundaries and no interest in sex at all now that I'm sober...mainly because I couldn't find the middle ground. Sober, I'd freeze or dissociate and if a guy was really interested in a relationship with me and questioned these blocks, I dumped him. I feel like there is no normal middle of the road. Also no connection between sex and romantic sort of love. Honestly I'm not interested enough in relationships to figure it out.

 

[anonymous]

Yes, I used to fantasize about being raped and masterbate along with this and that was the only way I could have a climax for quite some time. During this time period, I met my first husband and when we had sex, it was very painful for me and I could not climax with him unless he played with my breasts and did not penetrate me. Then all of a sudden I fell in love with a counselor of mine and had sexual fantasies about him and masterbated, and I could climax, but I could not with my husband. Finally my relationship with that husband ended in divorce. By then I was no longer seeing that counsellor for therapy, so I decided to pursue him. Eventually we married and we had a relatively good marriage for awhile and sex was pleasurable with him. However, later on during our marriage, I cheated on him, first with an online love affair and then with 2 other men. I was wildly into sex and didn't care about any consequences. And there were severe consequences, let me tell you!

 

[ihateusernames]

I don't have time or really want to go into detail right now, but yes, yes, yes. You are not alone in this at all. My husband and I both have problems with this and have also been told by counselors that it's quite common.

 

[WildMermaid]

My arousal switches work differently these days in some ways, but this continues to be present to an extent. I still prefer older lovers (male and female) and my fantasies still revolve about this. Also i go "little" easily and often and this is just one disturbing aspect of being me. Just another signature in the long line of you're not alone. :hug:

 

[Mit]

I've been thinking about this thread a lot recently. As there is something of a 'shared experience' amongst those that replied I thought it would be ok to post again here rather than start a new thread, which is a scarier option .

I've been trying to stop my sexual acting out on and off for years, without success. I didn't think there was anything terrible about what I was doing, but I thought it was a bit weird, and unfair on my partners because I did it without their knowledge, so I guess I had a secret sexual world, which isn't a great way to conduct a relationship. My behaviours became known to social workers nearly five years ago now and although not illegal in anyway they took a very dim view of it because I had children. They decided it meant I was a risk to children and for the next year made our lives a total misery. As a consequence I lost my job, almost lost my family and we did lose the majority of our friends, all of which triggered a suicide attempt. Since that time I have come to consider my acting out as very negative, a bad thing, which makes me a bad person.

I've been seeing therapists for the last few months, and we have tried to get to the heart of why I act out, to help me stop, without much success, until last week. I stopped, for six days continuously. I don't know why, I didn't set out with a specific objective in mind. As each day passed the thinking and pressure within me to do it increased, but I held it at bay, for as long as I could, it was very hard to do at times. I had an upsetting evening on Friday, and as is often the case with me stress triggers a reaction and I regressed on Saturday. I have tried not to be disappointed that I gave in to it, even be pleased I managed six days, but I am saddened I couldn't keep it going.

During the week I noticed some things I hadn't before. I do a lot of precursory thinking prior to acting out, which increases arousal, which can go on for days. This weakens my resolve and increases the risk I will act out. I noticed that this thinking triggers an adrenaline type reaction which is very similar to how I feel when I have anxiety attacks. So it seems sexual arousal for me is emotionally similar to an anxiety attack - so I wonder if during my childhood traumas and psychosexual development, these two things (fear and sex) got mixed up in my mind and I am 'wired' differently to a 'normal' person. Does this make sense?

It's a new week so I am trying to start with a clean slate - I know it's only Monday morning (lol), but trust me it is that bad...but so far so good.....

If anyone has any thoughts or experiences of their own that might help me better understand what is going on I'd be very glad to hear them.

Cheers - mit

 

[moonbeam]

Yes.

I see my T privately through a charity specifically for CSA survivors. In their handbook they mention that this is all a very common effect as well as it's common to have shame about it.

I'm hoping that I can discuss it with my T in the future but don't have the ability just yet.

I think something to remember though is that the bodies physical response can be separate from arousal. The body becomes um lubricated to help things be less painful. It can become a conditioned response to certain situations for our own protection. Its also important to note that certain types of csa/sexual assault the abusers may have done actions to illicit a physical response in the victim. This helps them claim it was mutual or desired by the victim and encourages more shame and silence. This does not mean that we want or enjoy said situations/actions. Or that we wanted it then.

 

[Saria]

I wonder if during my childhood traumas and psychosexual development, these two things (fear and sex) got mixed up in my mind and I am 'wired' differently to a 'normal' person. Does this make sense?

I'm not comfortable with elaborating at the moment, I just wanted to say that it makes sense and you're not alone. And I hope your week turns out okay :)

 

[rightkindofme]

I'll be nice and say probably triggering.

I don't know what kind of acting out to which you are referring. That's ok, you were vague on purpose. Yes, I think fear and sex became very entwined for me. I was incredibly active in the bdsm community for a few years during my young adult period. I pursued as much violent sex as I could manage. I had many periods where I literally had dates seven nights a week. I have pursued a lot of casual sex (the internet makes finding sex so easy). I have engaged in polyamorous relationships but I have never cheated. Lots of group sex and sex parties.

So! That said... I don't much of it any more. My husband and I go to a bdsm party a few times a year and have crazy good sex and come home and grin goofily for a few days. Otherwise bdsm just... isn't what it is to me any more. I'm not a slave any more. I am not fully immersed in the Leather Lifestyle and that will need to be true while I have small children.

I'm also queer and I used to be pretty active in all kinds of spaces around that identity. I'm barely connected now.

For me... the intense sexuality was part of a phase of my life. I can imagine there being other phases that might involve promiscuity or more violent sex but I'm not there now. Right now I'm doing the mother thing and for me that is not going to involve degradation or violence in the home. Nope, nope, nope.

I didn't decide to stop bdsm. It just... is no longer practical. I won't do it in the home with my kids and I don't have much child care. It's a natural limitation. I feel like part of life is recognizing when and how the boundaries change.

So... there is the possibility I wouldn't think your "acting out" was that big of a deal. The range of human behavior is quite broad. There are a lot of things that aren't common but aren't necessarily a problem... even though other people might not like the behavior.

I have no idea if that helped, @Mit but I tried. :)

 

[Mit]

Thanks for the thoughts. It helps to hear I'm not necessarily a total loss.

Because it was 'medical treatment' I was receiving as a child, I think assumptions are made that every care and concern will be made to minimise distress. I think some people would be surprised by some of the treatments I was subject to, and behaviours of medical staff, which in my case were at times, extremely unpleasant.

Thanks again - mit