I've been married for close to 15 years. Prior to getting married we made disclosures about each others past that we thought were pertinent. One my wife made was that she was date raped. The subject was obviously very stressful to her and I did not inquire further. The bottom line was it did not affect the way I felt about her and I did not want to stress her out with questions about the event. Fast forward to today. Our relationship is as strong as it has ever been. We have 2 kids (3 & 8). I basically hit the wife power ball. She's beautiful, smart, a great mother and a great wife. It's taken 15 years to realize and appreciate how good I have it.
Lately though I've had a rough month. It started with a mass in her breast that needed to be biopsied. While waiting on the results which were benign a friend from high school's husband died suddenly of a heart attack. It's been rare but in the last few years people around me have started to die. It's just part of life when you hit your 40's but it does or did have an effect on me as far as how I wanted to spend my time. With 2 kids it's a rush to get home, do homework, ball games, supper, take baths and get the kids to sleep. In any relationship the odds are slim that both parties have equal sex drives. In our case mine is higher which I would think is fairly common. I've never really pushed the issue because of the past rape. My wife's idea of unwinding is curling in bed and watching an hour or 2 of tv much of which I am not remotely interested in. In light of the past month's events with her health scare and the loss of a friends spouse I've thought a lot about how I want to spend my time. If I make it to 80 I don't think I'll look back on my life and think "Damn, we really should have watched more tv.".
On one particular night as I was laying there listening to the crap on the tv that won the competition for her time it was particularly irritating so I told her I needed to sleep and went in another room to sleep. The next night when I wasn't irritated I laid out how I felt about it. She said why didn't you just say so. I told her that when it comes to issues of me wanting sex when she does not I am not going to be like the son of a bitch that raped her. She said I was not anything like him and the door was opened for a discussion so I asked what happened. She calmly in a very manner of fact way went through the most horrific story of what happened to her. It left me in a state of shock and rage while she rolled over and went to sleep. Needless to say I didn't sleep but a few hours that night and each night since has been more of the same.
I decided to make use of my now extended waking hours and try to make sense of it. Outside of the horrific details of what happened there were other factors that amplified it. For starters he announced to his friends this would be the night which he saw to personally. She had no chance. As it turned out he was 16 and she was 13 which is not what I expected. Having been in junior high I know good and well that as soon as it is know that a girl has had sex she is labeled a slut. The guy gets the title of stud. It's bullshit but that's the way it is or at least it was. One of the hardest things for me to deal with is the fact that the relationship continued until she could get out of it. I know she was in survival mode and do not hold it against her in the slightest despite the fact that I have trouble understanding it. It's not something I am going to question. She simply did what she had to do. Ever since these details emerged I have been seething in rage. Although the incidence occurred over 20 years ago and I've known it happened not knowing the details insulated me from the pain I feel now. For me this is like it happened recently whereas for her it is over 20 years old and she has moved on. She's noticed something is wrong with me but not known exactly what the problem is since as she says it's not like I didn't know it happened.
I asked her what his name was and she refused. All she told me was the number of children he had and what year his now wife was forced to drop out of school due to pregnancy. I took that information, got her old annuals, figured out who was missing and cross checked it through social media. It took a while but I found out who the son of a bitch was. A few mornings ago I asked her again what his name was. She again refused. I then asked her if she would like me to tell her what his name is. When I did it scared the hell out of her because she was concerned with what I would do. She tells me I need counseling. I told her I would be fine with paying any counselor that could provide justice. Outside of that I don't feel like paying someone to tell me to just deal with it while he walks around as if nothing happened. For someone who is date raped though there is no justice. My wife would be the one put on trial and I would never do that to her. Now she is concerned I will do something stupid. Although I have had no sleep to speak of for a week I am not stupid nor do I feel like letting this stand. I just don't know how to get any form of justice within a legal framework.
I really just don't know what to do. I spend my time reading about how to understand what she went through and what to expect. The truth be told she has forgiven him and has had over 20 years of time to move on. I on the other hand feel like this happened last week and can't let it go. I know the stats are 1 out of 5 women get raped and most never report it. I don't understand why as a society we let these animals walk around without paying for what they did. The most therapeutic thing for me would be to beat the hell out of him. It amazes me how she handles everything so much better than I do. I sit in on her biopsy, turn white and nearly puke. She goes through the horror of being raped by someone she cared about and is in a good place. I am on the sidelines watching and it is killing me. I don't see anything of use that will allow me to sleep that could come from this but am open to suggestions.
Thanks
Lately though I've had a rough month. It started with a mass in her breast that needed to be biopsied. While waiting on the results which were benign a friend from high school's husband died suddenly of a heart attack. It's been rare but in the last few years people around me have started to die. It's just part of life when you hit your 40's but it does or did have an effect on me as far as how I wanted to spend my time. With 2 kids it's a rush to get home, do homework, ball games, supper, take baths and get the kids to sleep. In any relationship the odds are slim that both parties have equal sex drives. In our case mine is higher which I would think is fairly common. I've never really pushed the issue because of the past rape. My wife's idea of unwinding is curling in bed and watching an hour or 2 of tv much of which I am not remotely interested in. In light of the past month's events with her health scare and the loss of a friends spouse I've thought a lot about how I want to spend my time. If I make it to 80 I don't think I'll look back on my life and think "Damn, we really should have watched more tv.".
On one particular night as I was laying there listening to the crap on the tv that won the competition for her time it was particularly irritating so I told her I needed to sleep and went in another room to sleep. The next night when I wasn't irritated I laid out how I felt about it. She said why didn't you just say so. I told her that when it comes to issues of me wanting sex when she does not I am not going to be like the son of a bitch that raped her. She said I was not anything like him and the door was opened for a discussion so I asked what happened. She calmly in a very manner of fact way went through the most horrific story of what happened to her. It left me in a state of shock and rage while she rolled over and went to sleep. Needless to say I didn't sleep but a few hours that night and each night since has been more of the same.
I decided to make use of my now extended waking hours and try to make sense of it. Outside of the horrific details of what happened there were other factors that amplified it. For starters he announced to his friends this would be the night which he saw to personally. She had no chance. As it turned out he was 16 and she was 13 which is not what I expected. Having been in junior high I know good and well that as soon as it is know that a girl has had sex she is labeled a slut. The guy gets the title of stud. It's bullshit but that's the way it is or at least it was. One of the hardest things for me to deal with is the fact that the relationship continued until she could get out of it. I know she was in survival mode and do not hold it against her in the slightest despite the fact that I have trouble understanding it. It's not something I am going to question. She simply did what she had to do. Ever since these details emerged I have been seething in rage. Although the incidence occurred over 20 years ago and I've known it happened not knowing the details insulated me from the pain I feel now. For me this is like it happened recently whereas for her it is over 20 years old and she has moved on. She's noticed something is wrong with me but not known exactly what the problem is since as she says it's not like I didn't know it happened.
I asked her what his name was and she refused. All she told me was the number of children he had and what year his now wife was forced to drop out of school due to pregnancy. I took that information, got her old annuals, figured out who was missing and cross checked it through social media. It took a while but I found out who the son of a bitch was. A few mornings ago I asked her again what his name was. She again refused. I then asked her if she would like me to tell her what his name is. When I did it scared the hell out of her because she was concerned with what I would do. She tells me I need counseling. I told her I would be fine with paying any counselor that could provide justice. Outside of that I don't feel like paying someone to tell me to just deal with it while he walks around as if nothing happened. For someone who is date raped though there is no justice. My wife would be the one put on trial and I would never do that to her. Now she is concerned I will do something stupid. Although I have had no sleep to speak of for a week I am not stupid nor do I feel like letting this stand. I just don't know how to get any form of justice within a legal framework.
I really just don't know what to do. I spend my time reading about how to understand what she went through and what to expect. The truth be told she has forgiven him and has had over 20 years of time to move on. I on the other hand feel like this happened last week and can't let it go. I know the stats are 1 out of 5 women get raped and most never report it. I don't understand why as a society we let these animals walk around without paying for what they did. The most therapeutic thing for me would be to beat the hell out of him. It amazes me how she handles everything so much better than I do. I sit in on her biopsy, turn white and nearly puke. She goes through the horror of being raped by someone she cared about and is in a good place. I am on the sidelines watching and it is killing me. I don't see anything of use that will allow me to sleep that could come from this but am open to suggestions.
Thanks
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