I Need To Chart The Course Of My Life

[MT Johnny]

I wish there was a "life advice and goals" board. Since there isn't I just put it here to clog up general Discussion.

Been discussing "what being crazy means for me" a lot with T lately. Against tne backdrop of some life upheavals - terminal illness of someone I love deeply, trying to deal with a health crisis of my elderly mother (separate from the terminally ill person), some serious depression issues, a lot of slipping backwards in my own recovery. Had a massive triggering experience in Jan/Feb timeframe. Job stress. Financial stress. Stress in general, too much to do in too few hours each day.

It all feels so overwhelming.

So, I've been really trying to work through my paranoia over having a mental illness/psychiatric injury and/or being mentally ill and/or being crazy ... Whatever you wanna call it.

When I felll into a crisis state summer 2012, my diagnosis and how what passed for treatment played out in about the worst possible way it could have. I was misdiagnosed as bipolar II, I was strong-armed intimidated against my will and despite desperate pleading not to into a psych day hospital program for a few weeks.

Now, I have posted recently and discussed with T that I feel I may fall some where on the less severe end of the bipolar spectrum. I'm not sure - a case can be made both for and against. I'm going to do some psychological testing per T's recommendation to try to unravel the knots and get a clearer picture.

But even if I were bipolar my 2012 diagnosis was a misdiagnosis and the wrong treatment because - it was classic PTSD - a literally potentially life threatening situation involving a gun threw me into full blown flashback mode to childhood domestic violence memories which involved guns and knives. My symptoms were misinterpreted - fear/hypervigilance was labeled mania, acute anxiety was labeled depression.

So it was definitely the wrong treatment of tne acute symptoms / I needed anxiety meds, an ssri and was given, almost a month later, a mood stabilizer that took at least a couple of months to work - except it never did work - nada psychologically, but it did cause some bad side effects.

Bottom line is - the way that all played out was about tne most traumatizing way it could have - way to go MH system and quack doctor - a guy presents in an acute PTSD crisis and you completely miss that in a 5 minute diagnosis and then proceed to do things to him that he tells you are the wrong approach and that massively retraumatize him.

 

[Friday]

I wish there was a "life advice and goals" board. Since there isn't I just put it here to clog up general Discussion.

Have you checked out the Trauma Diaries section?

 

[MT Johnny]

Part 2:

So, my reaction to all of that was - "I'm a dead man, I can't survive this". I had an extreme fear based reaction and now feel like I can finally start dealing with my mental health with thoughts and behaviors based in reality and logic.

I believed that mental illness was profoundly shameful and that society wanted me gone,out of stigma and prejudice.

I believed EVERY worst case scenario from "if they find out they will cancel my American Bar Association membership" to "if I get pulled over for a traffic violation and the cop sees I am mentally ill he will shoot me just because" to "my family is going to strip me of my freedom, civil rights, and assets and lock me away forever in some psych ward"

All of that gets me to "What now"???

Because if the reality is none of that cray-cray shite is true, it means I'm still the same guy I always was, just with a name to my struggles and dark thoughts ... But that I am still in the driver's seat of my own life.

If THAT is the actual reality, and I believe it is, then I still have options and doors will still open for me.

So now what - if life is still possible, where do I go?

For example, I loved school, loved academia, always wanted to go back to grad school. In my 2012 full paranoia mode thinking was "if I went to grad school and they somehow found out I was mentally ill they would expel me on the spot".

The reality is that would be completely illegal, and the opposite is probably true, they would probably have to give special accommodation for my condition(s).

If it ain't a death sentence ... Now what?

 

[Changing4Best]

I was just wondering today if my bi-polar type 1 diagnosis was incorrect. I have been waking up only a few hours after going to sleep again. This happens in cycles, usually about 4 months apart. I did have an anxiety attack yesterday, but I took steps to avert the crux of the problem in the present and it went away.

I know a lot of folks here have sleep problems, so I know I am not alone. I was helped by Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in the past and I am glad of that, but I notice that it is a valid treatment for PTSD too. Hence I wonder if my Bi-polar diagnosis was dropped in favor of my PTSD diagnosis. I was never told.

My current therapist has even suggested that I fit the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) diagnosis, but again, I wonder if that fits into PTSD too. I just don't have any answers, except that when I looked up the symptoms for the BPD, they did fit.

I guess that as long as one is getting better from one's treatment (like I am), that is a good sign. On the other hand, you feel that your treatments have hindered you, so maybe it might be time to seriously think of changing mental health practitioners. I had a problem with my physical MD's treatment of me and I changed Drs. and did not bring any data from my old Dr. to the new one. The new one is treating me just fine. So I am in good shape in that arena now too.

 

[Changing4Best]

PS. I looked up an online University yesterday too. I was seriously thinking of studying Psychology, so I could get some answers to all this!

 

[anonymous]

Not probably, they definitely have to LEGALLY give you disability accommodations in school as long as a psychiatrist has confirmed your diagnosis and why you need specific accommodations.