Anthony I Am Reading Your Posts Wrong....

[shimmerz]

I am not certain if anyone else does this but I am catching myself. A lot. I want to publicly apologize to @anthony because I am clearly skewed. I am not certain why. Does anyone else do this and if so, do you know why?

It normally takes me about a half day (or for someone else to point out) that I am somehow completely screwing up what Anthony (I don't think other people but perhaps???) says in his postings when he responds to me. Half.a.day.

I get defensive or something and I really don't know why Anthony. Maybe someone could give me some ideas. You have done absolutely nothing wrong, you are patient beyond words with me. I don't get it. I thought maybe if I threw it out there it would help me sort it out.

My apologies Anthony. Truly. I am working on it. It does matter to me.

 

[WillyKat]

Well, I know that with PTSD we tend to perceive things within the distorted framework of the original trauma(s). Maybe it has something to do with that, but then again, is it just Anthony? It is just men?

If there are others (on or off the forum), then look for some kind of common thread.

Wish I could be of more help.

 

[shimmerz]

Thanks @WillyKat , I appreciate your help (and it is help :hug:)

It is just men?

This is a good question. No, it's not just men. I am wondering if it is about being admin. That whole, 'if I make one wrong move!' or something along those lines. Maybe a thing to do with his 'power' on the board, idk. I do know something has me though that has nothing to do with Anthony at all. I will mull it over.

 

[Sammyiam]

I always worry that I'm getting told off and that he hates me, but then again I think most people are telling me off and hate me :(
Sorry you feel this way, I think this is a very well run site and most scary people get takien off and banned. I feel the admin and staff etc do an amazing job of trying to keep everyone as safe as they can. As we are all aware it is the internet, and their are lots of mean nasty people out there

 

[WillyKat]

Yeah, I have a bit of an issue with anyone in a position of authority and I'm dead certain it has everything to do with the original trauma. It just raises my anxiety level a little or a lot, depending who it is and the context.

 

[Ronin]

I don't know if it can help any, but if Anthony had to hate every member of this site for something, he'd have no time for his life left, and last I noticed he's got Nicolette and Lily to take care of, so things probably won't be that personal, and that hot, for him.

Besides, if he didn't have a lot of compassion and understanding for hurt people, many of us messed exactly by authority of this flavor or another, he wouldn't be running a support site for so many years.

'Go home losers' would simply look different, than replies perhaps perceived as harsh for the moment's sake.

 

[ihateusernames]

I don't have this problem with anybody here specifically, but it comes up a lot and it especially comes up with employers and other authority figures. I feel like I'm always getting in trouble and I always take things wrong. The only thing I know to do is to always keep in mind that my perception is probably wrong (and that even if it isn't, one annoyed person or one negative opinion isn't a big deal- and that part is surprisingly hard) and to hold my tongue and step back from it. Usually after the initial assumption I can look back and make better sense of it. I'm sorry. I don't know how to stop it from happening to begin with. :(

 

[illusionist]

I know I had problems when I joined as seeing Anthony as an authoritative figure..my eyes would blur at the site of him and his postings even on other threads would make me panic initially and I would have to read them a few times to understand them. It wasn't that Anthony was not clear in his postings, but my brain was misting over, and not proccessing properly what I was reading.

Thankfully I don't react in that way anymore....he's still the owner of the site but have seen how much help he gives so I've changed how I see him. I'm hoping I can take this with me to my new job, as the 'boss' always brings out fear in me....maybe if I start seeing the boss as someone who helps and encourages, I can minimise that fear.

 

[Kintsugi]

I think this is very common (particularly in regard to Anthony). Anthony's communication style is straightforward, crisp, assertive, and unapologetic. Sometimes it comes off as stern, lacking in compassion, or curt, but it's not.

Anthony has taught me that there is a difference between an absence of sugar coating and the presence of harshness.

Anthony used to terrify me. I think his communication style paired with his position frightened me. Moreover, he tends to see straight through bullshit, and he cannot be charmed. His even-handedness, his fairness, is a boon to this site, and I'm not sure we would be operating without that (I really doubt it), but I am not used to fairness. I am used to brazen favoritism and whim, and I have an arsenal of talents based on that model that I quickly realized would never "work" on him.

All in all, I think learning to read Anthony's words, rather than trying to infer tone and mood, is a milestone for a lot of members in developing healthier, stronger communication skills, both in reception and response.

 

[Recovery4Me]

It normally takes me about a half day (or for someone else to point out) that I am somehow completely screwing up what Anthony (I don't think other people but perhaps???) says in his postings when he responds to me. Half.a.day.

I dunno but that sounds kind of positive to me. First you care what others say to you and consider alternatives to the content. You are honest and try not to brood ill will, & apologize if you feel it is necessary. Sounds cool.

Anthony to me is a strong presence or personality. He has power and to me a John Wayne attitude. No one messed with the Duke for long, you know? But I have seen him, allow us to grumble a bit and catch onto the main game plan.

When I am stressing (or even when I am not):clown:, I do not always get my signals straight neither. So I can understand your reevaluation until the dust settles. Sounds reasonable. Sometimes, we build trust in this manner that the OP has our back. I guess that is what I am saying...Anthony has our back.
My part of the dance, is not to be a back-side too often.;)

 

[BlueOrange]

I think that Anthony is actually pretty harsh at times. But there's a very important difference between 'harsh' and 'abusive' - a difference that I found very difficult to perceive for quite some time. There are plenty of abusers who are perfectly polite and smooth, and when they get a little harsh (which many people do here), that's a sign of imminent violence. Whereas if you have a military background, being a little harsh is a way of signalling respect and honesty.

Same signal, vastly different meaning. It took me some time to adjust.

 

[anthony]

I think that Anthony is actually pretty harsh at times. But there's a very important difference between 'harsh' and 'abusive' - a difference that I found very difficult to perceive for quite some time.

Yup... that is close, but Simon pretty much picked it best with:

Moreover, he tends to see straight through bullshit, and he cannot be charmed.

Those who have intricate knowledge of me, my life, more of my thoughts, who I am, know that I am honest, assertive, and I simply cannot be BS'd... regardless of the persons good or bad intent.

I try and balance when and where things are needed -- compassion, empathy, support, information -- when to call bullshit and stop living in the land of fantasy and get back to the real world.

@shimmerz, honestly, don't panic or feel any need to apologise to me for things here. I'm very used to everything that occurs here in relation to myself. It comes with the role of being the admin of a mental health community. I knew it going in, I accepted it, and at times I struggle with it, but I am quite conditioned.

The best thank you any user of this site can ever give me, is to get stuck into their healing, work through the pain of it all, and recover to live a better life.