(happy) Narcissistic Mother's Day

[Emi]

I have a narcissitic mother. Maybe it goes without saying, but I grew up in a emotionally abusive home. My father is her enabler, but this isn't about my dad.

For as long as my brother and I lived at home, we were always reminded to make Mother's Day really special for mom. (Mom didn't put the same pressure on us for Father's Day, consequently, but we did it anyway.) We had to buy her a card, WELL in advance of the actual day - and if we could do it even prior to the week before the actual day, that was even better! We were scolded for waiting too late (as in, a day or two before).

We were to buy her presents and either taker her out to eat or plan a meal at home which we then prepared and cleaned up. We did whatever mom wanted on her special day. It's every mother's dream, right?

Well, fast forward many years and my brother and I got married a year apart - me at age 24 in 2009, and him at age 22 in 2010. I became a stepmom when I got married, but since my stepson always spends Mother's Day with his mom (as he should) - I didn't have any kids to celebrate with on Mother's Day, and truthfully (hurtfully) was overlooked for the first couple of years. That aside, my brother and I continued to take mom out on Mother's Day and my husband and I also made time for his mom sometime over the weekend.

Last year, after struggling for 3 years to get pregnant, I had my daughter in February. That was a nightmare on the family front - my family of origin - but that's another story entirely. The point is, my daughter was very very young for my first Mother's Day and I was recovering from a C-section. I don't remember what we did, but I remember having bitter feelings towards my mom and having a hard time even picking out a card or wanting to!

Fast forward to this year. My daughter is 15 months old now. My husband and I had a talk the other day about how things have changed and this is as much my day as my mother's. So instead of splitting the day into thirds and not really getting to do anything I want to do - we decided we'd do our own family thing, and maybe stop by our parents' houses to drop of gifts and say hey.

My brother and my mom planned a lunch outing at noon at her favorite restaurant and told me the details, which doesn't work for me. It's my day too and I can't afford to go out to eat 3 times in one day or even one weekend. So I told mom with it being Mother's Day, we had plans for me too and wanted to stop by the house to visit for a bit sometime during the day.

Her reply after a LONG break in what had been a flowing texting conversation "Do what you need to do text me before you come to see if I'm home"

Do what you need to do is her go to phrase for - "I'm offended and don't like your decision, but whatever"

I'm just upset and irritated that unless it's HER way, it's no way at all. It's my day too - why does she have to treat me like I'm inferior or less entitled to a Mother's Day than she is?

My PTSD is highly triggered today and now I can't even stand to think about bringing her a gift and a lovey card. It's all a lie.

 

[scout86]

why does she have to treat me like I'm inferior

Because she's a narcissist?

 

[ihateusernames]

I can't even stand to think about bringing her a gift and a lovey card.

Maybe, don't. You're right, you are a mother now. Mother's Day is just as much about you as any other mother. (That is if you even want to place importance on Mother's Day. It isn't necessary to celebrate at all.)

I know it's very hard to break lifelong patterns and thought processes. But forgoing this with your mom might be an easy, somewhat passive place to start?

I'm sorry everything has to be about her, and I'm sorry that as much as you would like for it to, that will never change. :(

Either way, Happy Early Mother's Day to YOU @Emi !!

 

[Emi]

Oh God, I feel absolute panic at the thought of the apocalypse that would ensue if I didn't do ANYTHING for her on Mother's Day! I realize I jump through hoops to keep from getting the rage fallout, the guilt voicemails, the icy withdrawal, and the absolute despair and depression I feel over it all. IN THAT ORDER. Worse, if I ignore it all - it doesn't go away. It intensifies until I want to die.

@ihateusernames I actually gasped at the well wishes. Involuntary shock. Thank you! I don't NEED all the bells and whistles I was made to do for my mom. I just want to spend the day with my daughter and my husband and maybe just hear that I'm appreciated. That's all.

 

[Emi]

Because she's a narcissist?

Well, yeah. She is. But I don't GET IT. I can't fathom treating people like that.

 

[garden]

@Emi, I second what @ihateusernames said.

You're a mom now, and it's okay to put your needs and your family's needs before you mother's needs. In fact, it's healthier for you to do that. Hugs to you during this difficult time.

 

[garden]

@Emi, it's far easier said than done. I can't fathom it either. I hear how much this affects you. I pray you find a way to manage these feelings.

 

[scout86]

Oh God, I feel absolute panic at the thought of the apocalypse that would ensue if I didn't do ANYTHING for her on Mother's Day!

I can relate to the feeling. But ask yourself, what will actually happen NOW? Not what might have happened when you were a child and actually had to depend on you parents to live, what can she do to you NOW? She really doesn't have any power over you now that you don't give her. Foiling her wishes might be scary and unpleasant at first, but so is trying to meet her standards and knowing it's impossible.

You may as well forget really understanding her too. If she really DOES have narcissistic personality disorder, that's a mental illness. That way of thinking doesn't make sense to others because it doesn't. Hence the use of the word "disorder". Wishing it made sense, or was fair, or anything of the sort is a waste of time and energy.

 

[Emi]

I can relate to the feeling. But ask yourself, what will actually happen NOW? Not what might have happened when you were a child and actually had to depend on you parents to live, what can she do to you NOW?

She can turn my brother, whom I love dearly and have always been tight with, against me. She can twist words and paint a picture of me that isn't true. She can alienate me from my family. She can rob my child of knowing her aunts and uncles and cousins. She can put me in financial crisis because she regularly babysits so my husband and I can both work.

She can break my heart. She can and has always found a way to make my life miserable.

 

[Emi]

@Emi, I second what @ihateusernames said.

You're a mom now, and it's okay to put your needs and your family's needs before you mother's needs. In fact, it's healthier for you to do that. Hugs to you during this difficult time.

I need to hear this. Again and again and again. Because it's so deeply ingrained that my needs and my family's needs are NOT more important. That my family IS my mom and dad and brother...because they were family first. And because it's so regularly reinforced, as in this situation - so my mind is constantly telling me things that aren't true.

Putting myself and my family first is agonizingly guilt inducing. And that's just reinforced constantly.Because, obviously, I should be a good self sacrificing daughter, right? I am selfish if I do otherwise. (HA)

 

[garden]

Putting myself and my family first is agonizingly guilt inducing. And that's just reinforced constantly.Because, obviously, I should be a good self sacrificing daughter, right? I am selfish if I do otherwise. (HA)[/QUOTE]

Wow, I can't even imagine how that must feel. This is not healthy at all, and once we have a family of our own, our family of origin is supposed to understand that our responsibilities have changed. As a mother, she should understand that you have a family of your own now, and that you are a mother too now. Her expectations of you are extremely selfish, and it sounds like you and your needs, and your families needs are irrelevant to her.

Now that you're a mom you get to decide what kind of relationship you want to have with your own daughter, and through cultivating that relationship with your own daughter, you will heal and gain healthy perspective, and hopefully you can direct some of that healing energy into creating the right boundaries for yourself.

I'm having difficulties with my mom too right now. Mothers day is hard.

 

[Elin]

Hey
Congratulations of being a mum first of all :)
I read your post and I can TOTALLY relate to what you are going through. Iv had som real ups and downs with my mum to - however as Ive learned in a more mature age- is that you can very easily misunderstand other people.
Particularly if there has been communication issues in the past. I don't know you or your mum - but from where I'm sitting- the comment she texted could very well be just as practical as it sounds?

You do what you have to and when u r done, make sure she is home before you coming over .

I understand being triggered is really hard .... Furthermore being understanding to a person who caused the upset.
All I'm saying is -don't overanalyse the text- leave it for a bit and if it still upsets you after a few days gone passed.....the perhaps time to take a real in-depth talk . You two seem to have a bit of history so that comment isn't the problem , merely a symptom of a deeper issue .

Hope you have a lovely mothers day with your wee baby :)