CandyBunny
New Here
I love him to pieces. But he's the tough love, "grow some balls and stop being a pansy" type of guy. It's not like he's going to tell a boy to stop crying or anything, but he'd be like, "this situation isn't that bad, here's why... if this happens, here's what you should do. Ok? Stop freaking out."
Today, an event happened that triggered my PTSD (un-diagnosed)... at first I avoided the angry neighbor trying to break my door to get at me (exaggerating here), then I told myself to grow a spine and take it head on. Once he saw me, he was all nice and polite, but you could see it in his eyes, he was trying SO hard not to blow up on me and being pissed at me... SO SO HARD NOT TO.
After the whole ordeal, where we compromised.... I went back inside the apartment and I cried for hours, I was too terrified to eat anything, I was shaking badly, I even kept a weapon close by in-cade he'd come back. I picked up my husband from work, told him what happened, and then to further prove that I was innocent, I told my husband to check on what the neighbor accused me of. He refused, I told husband that it'd take 10 seconds and to please alleviate my concerns that he might be right. He still refused, and then he got ANGRY AT ME, for not "dropping the subject" and for complaining about it. He got angry at me because he didn't understand why it was a big deal and that I was being a crybaby.
It wasn't the annoyed anger I am used to though, it was the really pissed off "I'm gonna punch you if you don't shut up" anger (for what it's worth, my husband never hits me... but that rage on his face says it all). THAT made me lose it. I started crying, shaking, panic attacks, etc. He half-assed hugged me to cheer me up, and I kept closing my eyes wishing I never met my husband, wishing I was dead.
When he left the living room to cool off, I was hit with a sense of dread. That there was no way I'd be able to move on from this, that there's no future for us, that he'd leave me, that I won't be able to escape the pain.... I was overcome with so much despair that I spent the last 3 hours eyeing the big giant pair of scissors and talking myself into and out of committing suicide....
That's when I stumbled on this site and I signed up.
Posting all of this out in the open made me feel better.
It's a distraction and I need a distraction. Knowing myself, I'd probably go to sleep and wake up in the morning as if nothing happened.
I'm an expert at pushing traumatic experiences and emotions down and forgetting it ever happened, or rather... pretending it never existed. It's my way of coping.... I guess.
I just wish my husband understood.... ... that you CANNOT criticize me or be angry with me and expect me to take it like a normal person.....
Today, an event happened that triggered my PTSD (un-diagnosed)... at first I avoided the angry neighbor trying to break my door to get at me (exaggerating here), then I told myself to grow a spine and take it head on. Once he saw me, he was all nice and polite, but you could see it in his eyes, he was trying SO hard not to blow up on me and being pissed at me... SO SO HARD NOT TO.
After the whole ordeal, where we compromised.... I went back inside the apartment and I cried for hours, I was too terrified to eat anything, I was shaking badly, I even kept a weapon close by in-cade he'd come back. I picked up my husband from work, told him what happened, and then to further prove that I was innocent, I told my husband to check on what the neighbor accused me of. He refused, I told husband that it'd take 10 seconds and to please alleviate my concerns that he might be right. He still refused, and then he got ANGRY AT ME, for not "dropping the subject" and for complaining about it. He got angry at me because he didn't understand why it was a big deal and that I was being a crybaby.
It wasn't the annoyed anger I am used to though, it was the really pissed off "I'm gonna punch you if you don't shut up" anger (for what it's worth, my husband never hits me... but that rage on his face says it all). THAT made me lose it. I started crying, shaking, panic attacks, etc. He half-assed hugged me to cheer me up, and I kept closing my eyes wishing I never met my husband, wishing I was dead.
When he left the living room to cool off, I was hit with a sense of dread. That there was no way I'd be able to move on from this, that there's no future for us, that he'd leave me, that I won't be able to escape the pain.... I was overcome with so much despair that I spent the last 3 hours eyeing the big giant pair of scissors and talking myself into and out of committing suicide....
That's when I stumbled on this site and I signed up.
Posting all of this out in the open made me feel better.
It's a distraction and I need a distraction. Knowing myself, I'd probably go to sleep and wake up in the morning as if nothing happened.
I'm an expert at pushing traumatic experiences and emotions down and forgetting it ever happened, or rather... pretending it never existed. It's my way of coping.... I guess.
I just wish my husband understood.... ... that you CANNOT criticize me or be angry with me and expect me to take it like a normal person.....
