Husband Doesn't Understand The Pain Of Intercourse

[Fadeaway]

I would be reevaluated by a different Dr. You may need to see several until you find one that is truly compassionate and understanding. That is critical. A good Dr. will look beyond what is visible.

This situation isn't fair to either one of you. Please don't get me wrong, I am not defending him. He is handling the situation terribly, but I do have to question where he is coming from.

Is it possible that he is blaming himself and taking it personally? Could he see it as rejection? I know that some people place a heavy importance on the expression of romantic love through sex.

Perhaps you can explain it to him by comparing it to physical disorders and illness such as cancer and autoimmune disorder. Those can go into remission and people often think the problem no longer exists. PTSD is very similar to autoimmune in my personal opinion as symptoms and severity can fluctuate without predictability.

There are a few things that do trigger a ...feeling of fear of him. I hear stories about his past. I know that he is stronger then me. One of the simpler things that I wish he would do is to lower his voice. I keep asking him and he doesn't.

I do have to say this part unnerved me quite a bit.

Update: I hope you don't mind but I told my husband about this to get a male perspective. He passionately proclaimed your husband to be an asshole. He told me I was way too generous.

He also suggested 2 things.

1.You may have serious damage beneath the surface that can only be viewed with an ultrasound.
2. Contact your local rape crisis center and asked them if they have a list of OBGYNs that would be more knowledgeable about resulting sexual issues.

 

[The Albatross]

Vaginismus does have a psychological component. I have it and I have both physical and psychological.

Yeah there isn't much here on the forum for this type of sexual issue. Sex wasn't really though an issue til after a surgery at 40 combined with some marital issues. Apparently I scar badly. I am glad though that you are writing about it. If you have access to a sexual dysfunction clinic and/or therapist I'd advise it. I don't.

 

[Powder]

I'm sorry Katz,

He simply can't understand and you can't make him.
Also, were you completely honest with him from the beginning? Did he know you had this?

 

[EveHarrington]

Do you realize that your husband flat out lied in the for better or worse part?

Sorry. Selfish people really piss me off.

 

[Friday]

I have often asked him if he would stay with me if I became wheel chair bound. (then I couldn't either). He evades the question. Says that it does not apply.

Any time something foundational in a marriage changes? A lot of people divorce over it. Not because they're bad people. The marriage worked for both people before, but works for only one or neither, after. Whether that's the death of a child, a serious & debilitating illness, sex, changing political parties, moving city >< country, taking in an elderly parent, not having children, etc. What makes of the foundation of a marriage is different in every marriage. Things that are high value to one couple are not high value to another. And things which are high value to one person may be low value to another.

Case in point:
I keep asking and asking and asking for them to do _____ and they won't.

- Lower their voice
- Have sex
- Watch the children
- Get a job
- et cetera

When one person wants something from the other person, and it's hugely important to them... And the other person won't do it? We start running into divorce territory // irreconcilable differences.

IME explaining how much you reeeeeeeeally don't want to do what they want (and here's why, and why, and why) doesn't help. If anything? Tends to make things worse. Guilting and shaming them for wanting the thing you don't want? Tends to go even worse. Meanwhile just giving them what they want, when it's not what you want? Goes equally badly. All those situations = 1 persons needs & wants are totally invalidated, ignored, belittled, and left gaping. So, no matter what, it goes badly, if only 1 person can be happy in a marriage. The way to avoid that, in my observation? win/win is the only solution that doesn't end in divorce or half the marriage being miserable. Finding a way that both people get what they need and want, instead of only 1 person getting what they need and want.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

make him understand

I'm sorry but I don't think he will, I agree with others who have said he's a pig and an asshole.

I don't think he deserves any woman!

 

[Deleted member 29920]

...feeling of fear of him

Ok, this. Shouldn't be happening, at all. I think you would be much better off without him.

 

[Powder]

Marriage is entirely voluntary and in many ways obsolete as an institution. Cultures have all kinds of marriage arrangements. None is perfect. Then, people don't define it the same way, even the two (or so) in the marriage.

However, relationships and mating are basic human needs. How to reconcile these differences?

Don't use black/white absolutism thinking to solve more complex problems. The husband did not "flat out lie" when he got married. We all have assumptions and expectations. There is more going on in a complex problem like this. It is unclear if the wife lied about her ability to keep up her end of the marriage. Whether or not it is written, de facto, it is commonly regarded as an "de jure" or more real vow to offer sex within marriage.

This is a complex problem and only the people in it can sort it out for themselves.

 

[katz]

I'm sorry Katz,

He simply can't understand and you can't make him.
Also, were you completely honest with...

Yes, he knew that I had been abused. The emotions were not coming back as strong. Then when I realized that it was going to be a problem, it was too late.

I have even offered him out if it would make him happy.

 

[EveHarrington]

Marriage is entirely voluntary and in many ways obsolete as an institution. Cultures have all kinds of marr...

Your views seem to me to be along the lines of a woman owes her husband sex, follow that on down, marital rape does not exist, etc. If you owe someone something----> they have a right to it---> they have a right to simply TAKE it.

Maybe this sounds harsh but as someone who only has ever had value to men if I could please them sexually, this kind of stuff makes me cringe.

If the presiding view is that sex is the most important thing and a woman is worthless if she can't have sex, then finding a male partner is just one big exercise in trauma re-creation. For me.

I need one of those gay camps. You know, instead of "fixing" you and making you straight, they make you gay. I mean I've never had a woman treat me like my primary value is in sex. <said tongue in cheek>


OP is this one big exercise in trauma re-creation for you? Did your abuser treat you like a sex object who had no value otherwise?

 

[Deleted member 29920]

100% agree with Eve ^

 

[Deleted member 29920]

He got very angry at me and has expressed to me that he won't go the rest of his life withou

That part, actually, means, he doesn't love and honour you, so actually, yes he kinda sorta DID lie when taking his vows, actually!

Maybe he used to love you, but by getting very angry that you can't have sex, telling you he refuses to go without sex and your admitting you fear him, I think this isn't love any more. I hope you have the ability to see this.

I hope you can be free from him because he sounds like such a loser and I doubt he'll change. I'm sorry you are stuck with him. I know it's difficult but I think staying will just be a waste of time.