Parental Neglect. "am I Good Enough Now?"

[Dana1010]

My T had me send my "inner critic" on extended vacation.

I think the "inner critic" is probably rooted in this abysmal lack, but the lack itself is experienced more as a pervasive, existential dread. Sometimes it doesn't criticize or say anything; it just sits there and makes you feel not good enough without saying why.

Yeah... self parenting with your adult or "wise" mind and unconditional self acceptance.

Do you have any tips on how to accomplish these things? I have typically found self acceptance so hard, I don't even try anymore. I just want to forget myself.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

For most of my life I felt and thought that i hated and loathed myself and was not good enough or fit to be a good parent. I struggled with this most of my life.

A very good online friend told me one day that I was continuing to abuse myself like my parents did and a light turned on inside of me and I began to change. I caught myself and learned how to thought stop and now I like myself and think I am enough and good enough. I have become a friend to me and meet my needs and wants better now. I reach out to safe others when i am feeling down. I have worked so hard on my recovery and still have bad days but they are nothing like the days when I first started therapy.

I hope the inner light turns on for you and you can begin to change and learn to like yourself and accept yourself as you are.

I still have a lifetime to learn and to grow and manage my symptoms better but I am really content with who I am now and my self esteem exists now when I had none before.

I wish you the best.

 

[The Albatross]

Here's an article for starters: Link Removed

Or a book: Self Parenting: The Complete Guide to Your Inner Conversations by John K. Pollard

 

[Dana1010]

Thanks for that, @The Albatross. I have all of the bad habits on that list. It will be interesting to see if I can break them just by deciding to try. I have an unfortuante way of becoming a philosopher about everything, so I can already anticipate myself asking, "Why should I treat myself this way? Why should I take my own side when it is, after all ,possible the bully had a valid point?" :unsure:

 

[The Albatross]

If that doesn't work there is always Albert Ellis's Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT)... Unconditional Self Acceptance: http://rebtnetwork.org/

 

[Chava]

Do you have any tips on how to accomplish these things? I have typically found self acceptance so hard, I don't even try anymore. I just want to forget myself.

Easy to start with things you like, or interests, etc. I like music. I accept all my awkwardness in music. for many years I ate well just to keep up with playing my instrument. For me, disappearing because too hard. So I'm trying to find myself, or be real...seems easiest to branch out in areas I enjoy. I like music, so I bought a new drum. I accept all my flaws as a beginner and just enjoy the process. It's not all about me, but it is a process of accepting myself just as I am, enjoying the moment with the things of the moment I chose...

 

[cupfish]

Running 2x as hard and as well as anyone else, and still not getting what you need. I know. Me too. I don't have relationships with my family, I have one friend who lives far away. The only path I can manage is to focus on what I can give through my work, and not what I need from others because it will never come. I work for a non-profit, raising money to support programs that genuinely help people, authentically. I am a fiend about devoting my time to efforts that are humane and fair. It's about the only thing left that motivates me, because it's not about perfection in my own performance, it's about reaching out and giving. Our decision paths and reactions to life are really hard compared to whole people, and we don't have a lot of consistent tools to make good choices and have a healthy outlook. Since I can't get what I need from people I have decided to give, to take the high road, to contribute to the world. In the absence of a personal support network it's all I can come up with as a life path given my sickness.

 

[SherriLynne]

@Dana1010 -
I can say that I totally understand what you are saying and feeling I never socialized with people because of me mother she abused me from day one no one stepped in I read books they were my friends but like you I would have to come back to the real world. No I don't know how to change anything. I wish I did.

 

[Born to Run]

What comes to my mind, as this is how I got rid of the 'no' answer, is to grieve over what you did not have or did not get. Only then can you let go of the hope that is still in you to get something to substitute. I had this moment in therapy and said, but I am such a stupid idiot I still have hope I will not be rejected by my mother, by doing such and such. It is such a mindf*ck, but as long as you don't let go of the hope, you are still basically held hostage in the child position, who thinks by doing such and such the outcome will be different. But darn the outcome will never be different from the child perspective. It is long gone history. I was so relieved to be able to give up this mindset by becoming aware there was no hope for the child, and that was quite painful. I also called it game over, as it was such a trap in the past I was in.

 

[Dana1010]

I was so relieved to be able to give up this mindset by becoming aware there was no hope for the child, and that was quite painful.

What was the process of giving that up like? Do you have any practical tips to share? I started a thread in discussion about imaginary parents. I'm thinking if I can switch out the hateful, narcissistic parents in my psyche for loving ones, I might be able to break the bond to people who mirror them in the present. I think it's extremely hard to face that you don't have parents and never did--kind of like facing a godless, chaotic universe. I think creating new parents in your imagination could be like training wheels easing the transition.

 

[Born to Run]

I think it's extremely hard to face that you don't have parents and never did--kind of like facing a godless, chaotic universe.

True, I went through a phase of existential fear because of this, as that is indeed what it comes down to. It is the imaginary illusion that connecting is still possible, which breaks down. There is nothing to connect to, that is what you have to face. With the help of my therapist this was feasible though, but it was a fearful period.

I am terrible with practical tips as this was part of the process of therapy. I wish I could share more.

I started a thread in discussion about imaginary parents.

I believe if you want to substitute you will still not become free, as you need to accept that you never could do anything to be good enough, and that is imo by grieving about the fact that there was no connection, and that it was not your fault, but theirs. I think through grieving and becoming aware of the illusion, I was able to give up that mindset.

You could be very right too with the imaginary parents; maybe that can work for you.

ETA: just read your other thread about the imaginary parents; that is a very interesting idea, as they say it does not matter to the brain if you imagine it or if it really takes place. If you have bodily reactions, then there is certainly a process going on. Good!

 

[Dana1010]

I think what I find challenging about simply breaking the bond is that I'm not really conscious of the bond. I've simply hated both of them for as far back as my memory goes. So the bond and the belief that I wasn't getting love because I wasn't good enough were formed way back before i can remember. How can I deal with something I can't remember?