Not Sure Where I Stand

[GWhizz]

I've been seeing a new T for about 2 months. Last week I had called to cancel because I felt we're on different pages and that she wasn't taking my concerns about therapy seriously (I only got to leave a voicemail as she was unavailable). She left a return voicemail the next day telling me therapy was the place to discuss this and that she'd see me at our session unless she heard otherwise. I got another missed call from her after that message but couldn't return her calls as I was working 13 hour shifts both days before our scheduled session. I felt it unfair for her to just assume I'd attend unless she heard otherwise, when my initial call to cancel made it clear I wasn't coming back until she addressed specific issues, and that I wasn't wasting yet another session on matters that should be clear at this point. Anyway, I didn't attend last week, nor did I hear from her again. This week she is away and had cancelled this in advance already. I'm assuming we're done and that's that. But I kinda think I'll get a stupid text next week to confirm our appointment next Tuesday (they always send a reminder text the day before). Should I try to call to give it one last shot and see will she try to resolve things at all? Or just cut my losses and move on?

I feel like a quitter and a failure at therapy. And that I always look for excuses to back out or something. I'm so conflicted. I have no other options to see another T right now (due to financial issues), nor do I feel up to the stress of starting over again.

 

[watundah]

Tough question. Is mediocre help better than no help? Plus it sucks to feel you must defend your trauma! Well I would be tempted to advise you to walk away as it's important to click, however since you have no other options at this time perhaps you may want to stick it out and have a big heart to heart. You're right to voice your concerns, and maybe things can change. We are, after all, their customers and they owe us what we pay them for. One or two more visits to see if things can be worked out?

 

[Peach]

She left a return voicemail the next day telling me therapy was the place to discuss this and that she'd see me at our session unless she heard otherwise.

when my initial call to cancel made it clear I wasn't coming back until she addressed specific issues,

It sounds like she was listening to what you said and was going to discuss your concerns at the next appointment. Perhaps she thought talking over the phone would make things feel rushed and it would just be better in person? Plus, you were playing phone tag, which drives me nuts when it happens! :banghead: In any case, instead of hearing what she said, you latched onto her wording and took offence that she assumed you would be there unless you cancelled again.

You're not a quitter or a failure. I don't know if the 13 hour shifts are normal, but I'm sure you must have been exhausted and maybe that contributed to your reluctance to show up.

Go to one more appointment, air your concerns, and see if you two can come up with a resolution. If you can, great! Or, you may realize once and for all that she isn't the doc for you, but you would know for certain that you gave her your best shot and you needing to find someone new is on her and not your fault.:)

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I agree with both peach and watundah, I would go one more time and tell her my concerns. You are not a failure, I have felt the same way at times and I'm sure many others have too. I think it's probably best to go again and be up front about what you want. This is where I made mistakes in the past, I always avoided dealing with it and I only made myself worse.

 

[joeylittle]

But I kinda think I'll get a stupid text next week to confirm our appointment next Tuesday (they always send a reminder text the day before). Should I try to call to give it one last shot and see will she try to resolve things at all? Or just cut my losses and move on?

Keep the appointment. I've been in this place before, a few times (with my current therapist), and I've tried to drop over email and via phone message and in person at the end of a session. You and she may very well be able to come to an agreement; her stipulation is that you talk it over in person, which I think is the right call (even though it's annoying). If you can email her, send her the list of topics in an email, so she can give some thought to them beforehand. If you know you are ready to walk away if need be, it strikes me that you don't have anything to lose - you'll be putting yourself into what might be a stressful conversation, but you can survive that - and you might gain a better therapeutic alliance.

And, if nothing else, you won't be left with the hanging regret of thinking that you are a 'quitter'. That in and of itself is worth the time spent, I think,

 

[Chava]

I've only felt murkiness in therapy I was personally serious about. Otherwise I just showed up, didn't trust the therapist, and talked about work. Where I really want to get into meaningful stuff, it's easy to feel misunderstood or confused about the process. For me, the not quitting has been a big milestone. I wasn't left with the shame and frustration I felt, but worked through it.

Last week I had called to cancel because I felt we're on different pages and that she wasn't taking my concerns about therapy seriously

So you canceled but haven't allowed her any chance to talk with you about it yet. It's completely reasonable for her to want to do this in person. I respect that my therapist has boundaries, as much as I hate them sometimes...in a way she teaches me about boundaries. But also we can't do my preferred way of coming at difficult things indirectly or disappearing when it gets uncomfortable. She's willing to talk about it. So maybe try to meet her in the format that feels workable to her, a regular session, and specifically address your concerns. I like the idea of e-mailing her some short notes or bringing notes/questions with you and having a conversation. Hopefully she can address your concerns in a way that feels more workable and hopeful.

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks all for your input.

The problem is, I haven't not heard her out. I have wasted several sessions being told she'll discuss the matters further with a senior and then waiting until the next session for clarity, only for the issue to be ignored again. I feel like I'm totally fobbed off. And it's like I'm going around in circles while she delays and delays giving me any real solid answers. I know there'll always be grey areas on the table. But she can't even tell me whether this is the case or not about a specific issue. As a result, I don't feel like there's anyway to even begin to try building trust. She hasn't helped me at all so far as I never get to talk about anything important because there are so many silly therapy related issues popping up. It's like she's simply spinning my wheels.

I'm also pretty quiet and find it hard to open up at all in therapy. I'm not saying this is completely attributed to seeing her, but I only began self-harming again after I began seeing her for a few weeks.

She makes me feel hopeless. Like I'm forever a broken mess.

As she works for a public sector organisation, boundaries are pretty tightly regulated. Meaning no email or mobile contact. Only her office number which always goes to voicemail as she only works part-time.

I think I'll wait to see whether she's bothered continuing herself. If I get a text, maybe I'll go. Otherwise I'm not going to attempt to set up any more meetings.

 

[Chava]

And it's like I'm going around in circles while she delays and delays giving me any real solid answers. I know there'll always be grey areas on the table. But she can't even tell me whether this is the case or not about a specific issue. As a result, I don't feel like there's anyway to even begin to try building trust.

I felt a lot of unease when a new insurance company was going to cut me off (no choice of mine, our company switched). I felt like my therapist was supposed to advocate for me and she said she was taking care of things. She was. But it actually took months. Looking back, I was doing nothing...back in a sort of survival mode, unable to trust or move forward. I quit and unquit. Though I don't know, I felt likes she wasn't actually advocating or doing anything, but hoping this insurance issue would be the way for her to be done working with me. I just didn't know, didn't trust, couldn't feel okay with therapy or using it or trying to even have goals. Just a bad stuck situation for me. That's maybe similar to what you are feeling.

She makes me feel hopeless. Like I'm forever a broken mess.

That's not good. I know I distrust at the drop of a hair, but also know how important it is for real therapy...and it does come and go in the beginning. So I can't really know if this is how it will be for you, if there is any projection going on, or if she's failing to create a sense of hope because she's not being more direct with you (or all of the above). Does she know how hopeless you feel and that it's extremely hard to trust her and whatever process is going on right now? I do think a keen trauma therapist is careful with the trust stuff. But even then it's hard. I

I'd say get your notes, concerns, how you are feeling, and questions together and have a conversation. Tell her you want to quit and why and ask what she can do to help make this work...if it's possible. You aren't broken. I know it's hard when you don't know if therapy will even work out...certainly need the basis of okay trust in the therapist and the therapy in order to open up to any of it.

 

[Peach]

I have wasted several sessions being told she'll discuss the matters further with a senior and then waiting until the next session for clarity, only for the issue to be ignored again.

Oh, hmm. Well that changes things. I don't suppose it's possible to go over her head and speak to her superior yourself, is it? Doing that could bring its own problems if she decides to be petty about you doing that. However, like Joey said before, doesn't seem like you have anything to lose.

I'm out of my depth here. Hopefully someone else will have some ideas. Sorry. :poop:

 

[Kefira]

It's unfortunate you don't have an alternate contact method. I know it's really difficult for me sometimes to discuss something like potentially breaking off with a provider, and I find email helpful just so I know all the issues are clearly laid out and can be read over as many times as needed. I agree with @Peach - maybe you could see her supervisor or request a mediated meeting with him/her since this has been going on for a while without resolution.

I hope you're able to work it out. I'm currently trying to determine whether some issues with my T are resolvable or not, so I hope some other people have some advice.

 

[GWhizz]

The main issue is of confidentiality. I had to confirm that I had a history or csa. And as soon as I did this, she said she would have to report this (see my previous thread on this). Anyway, after much haggling about it and me saying week after week that I'm quitting if that's the case, she tells me she's now doubting herself but waiting on my psychiatrist to return from leave as he's the team leader so makes ultimate decisions on this kinda stuff. The thing is, he assessed me before I began seeing her (she's a senior clinical psychologist), my gp also knows about the csa, as does my old T. It's the whole reason I was referred to them. Now she's saying that I either have to watch what I say and make sure I don't blurt out a name etc or just talk about other less important stuff. Even at that, she said she has a duty to report retrospective abuse and that I'll have to take a call off social services asking me about it and whether I wish to progress an investigation, confirm whether anyone else could be a present risk etc...

Another issue is me having no clear direction on what the hell we're even doing there seeing as I can't talk about anything relevant now. I had asked her to liaise with my old T to get a basic run down of my issues as it took over a year to get to telling my last T what I disclosed and finally get referred onto this team now. She initially actually wanted to contact her anyway. But now keeps saying she thinks it'd be best if I try to tell her myself. But I can't - my last T was different. I told her through writing, text, email and drawing. This T won't allow me to write. That's just not her style. And given that I was literally mute for years as a teen during some trauma, this T seems to think that writing etc is only enabling that mute child to act out again (and she's probably right but that means I'll never be ready or able to do this). This in itself makes me feel like I'm copping out and avoiding the hard and impossible act of actually talking about things.

Honestly, I would love to quit right now. The only thing holding me back is that I'm not dealing with the flashbacks etc well. That and I have been unfortunate enough to encounter 2 of my abusers at work very recently (hence the increased self-harm again). How can you talk to someone about a flashback or dissociative event or bumping into an abuser, if doing so threatens everything you've worked hard to build and protect? I told her I can't risk anyone knowing I'm talking to professionals about this. If it were to get back to an abuser, I would be a dead woman. She seemed to think this was an irrational fear as she totally downplayed it when I said this was my ultimate worry. She downplayed the risk of it getting back to an abuser (yet they have the resources to track my history if they wished to), or the fact that my life could be at risk again. This is why I need her to speak with my old T before I go any further. She needs to know how afraid I really am. I told her in my last voicemail that she has to talk to my previous T to get a basic insight into tho depth of my past/issues (without giving details of who did what etc), and then we can both decide from there if we can move forward together or not. If she decided based on this that she is obligated to report, then I wouldn't go back to her and I could refuse any further input from them altogether.

 

[Chava]

Okay, this says a lot. I'm sorry she's not moving faster to reassure you. I have talked (very little) about sexual assault and did not name anyone and did not have any shred of fear of reporting. So, this is a layer I don't know anything about. But I can imagine your fear. You're afraid if she reports that they will somehow find out and come after you? Part of me says trust their process, but the fear and tendency to not trust any of them would be huge if I were in this situation.

I still hope you can talk to her, for your sake, and not leave this so unresolved.

Did your old therapist not have to report? I hope others with similar experience around reporting/confidentiality can chime in...