Feel Rabid When Married Men Come Onto Me...

[Deleted member 29899]

I need to talk about this...
Do other women feel LIVID and outraged and so offended when a married man comes onto them, knowing that they want sex?
I had a verbal exchange with a man the other day. He has a wife and children. A brief conversation and from what he said it was clear he wanted to cheat on his wife with me. The pig. Kids at home too.
I didn't say much because I didn't feel safe... But over the years whenever a married man tries to hit on me I am RAGEFUL inside, while others will LAUGH when I tell them that this has just happened to me, or they say take it as a compliment and I should be flattered.
I think I've just figured out why. I take marriage very seriously. If you need to cheat, why stay married? That's my point of view.
But I think I've just figured out why I get enraged. It's because I don't want to be mistaken with my mother who was basically a whore more or less, had no morals. To be even remotely be compared to her makes me rage. For anyone to think that I'm 'that kind of woman' enrages me because I equate it with 'her' and I am BEYOND insulted. Plus I think of the wife sitting at home with his kids being betrayed by the pig which enrages me.... And I think of the kids with a pig for a father...
It's been over a week since this excuse of a husband came onto me and I'm still so angry... What's my deal? Religion, sanctity of marriage and mommy-dearest... but I'm still so angry a week later...
I guess too, that I'm afraid he'll come back and try again.
Livid for being disrespected?
Maybe I'm livid as well because I didn't say how I felt because I didn't feel safe enough to tell him off...

 

[Fadeaway]

Yes, and then I feel guilty because I didn't tell him what a POS he was. In the moment, I internationalist the anger and do exactly what you did. then I spend the next week..month...years thinking of things I WISH I had told him.

I say years because there is still one that bothers me to this day. His wife was about ready to give birth any day. He asked me if i could watch the older kids for a little bit so that she could get some rest. Well yes, of course. Well when he showed up with his kids in tow, it was clear that letting his pregnant wife get some rest was not his priority. After declining and even apologizing (massive guilt moment, still want to kick myself) for it, I watch the kids for a few hours and even accepted money for watching them.

What I should have done was told him to get off my property and be a real dad and take his kids to the park. I seriously will wake up in the middle of the night every once in a while thinking, "OMG I can't believe I apologized to him!" On top of it I took his money which felt like blood money. I felt in my heart that taking money from a guy so he screw off or whatever was wrong, and I did anyways against my own sensibilities.

Sorry, I did not mean for this to turn into a guilty confession. So long story short? Hell yes. Why? I think it has a lot to do with the jerk reinforcing trust issues. It also raises the question of how others view you. Do they think I am the type of person they can use to hurt someone else?"

 

[Friday]

I take other people's vows only slightly less seriously than I take my own. Shrug. Which means there's no way in hell I'm going to -knowingly- sleep with a married man. Unless his wife (or husband) has assured me they have an open relationship.

Do I get offended by advances, though? Not really. Not unless I know them, and know that if I shout out "Hey Anne! Your husband is trying to talk me into bed, again!" won't be met with a laugh or repartee right back. Because that's something I'll totally shout down the hallway.

I don't find it disrespectful to be asked. My bailiwick is all about consent. Between all parties. Any wronged party, whether rape or betrayal, is unsat.

 

[Kintsugi]

I definitely feel disgust when a married man comes on to me. There as one customer at the restaurant I worked for who hit on me several times in the most obvious way possible, then one night he showed up with his wife and baby. WTF?

I'll take a different angle on your post, though. You keep bringing up the kids. I know that's an extra sting, but I feel your post is underlining them. If he were divoriced, of course, he would still be a father, but coming on to you wouldn't have that adulterous BS attached. I'm just wondering if the kid thing is striking a particular nerve with you because of what you said about your mother. Just food for thought. Chew it or spit it out as it befits you. ;)

 

[ihateusernames]

I get kind of grossed out, but it has only ever made me angry when it was somebody I knew. A friend from high school, one I went out with once long ago tried for years to "convince" me that his wife was okay with him messing around. I don't know why I kept giving him the opportunity. I should have cut off contact altogether. I never believed him and surprise, surprise, she left him. It pissed me off because it was so insulting coming from somebody who was supposed to be a friend. Similarly, an ex boyfriend still comes sniffing around sometimes. He's engaged to a woman with children of her own. Pisses me off. I want to forward his texts to her.

Random guys, on the other hand? Whatever.

 

[Deleted member 29899]

Simply Simon, no, no underlining the kids. When there are kids involved it's just more people that the guy is disrespecting. A husband without integrity. A father without integrity. An overall well rounded *ssh*le.
I gues I'm just real big on respect and integrity, even more so I think because there wasn't any at home. I think I have high expectations of people in general and get disappointed far too often but don't know how to lower expectAtions. No clue.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I want to forward his texts to her.

Well that could go one of two ways.

She believes you and gets mad at him.

~or~

She gets mad at you, puts 110% of the blame on you, and brings a shit-ton of drama into your life.

Yeah, its generally a good idea to help people out and tell them the truth, especially when it comes to such serious matters. But, on the other hand, if you can't handle the drama or backlash (which could be severe, her trashing you online, to everyone she knows, harassment, etc....) then it isn't even worth it. Sometimes you've just gotta walk away.

 

[Deleted member 29899]

I was so tempted to put this recent *ssh*les info on FB but had to resist. Thank goodness I didn't. But that's how angry it makes me.

 

[ihateusernames]

I know, people are weird. There's no telling how they'll react. I don't actually know the girl. I've only ever seen her in passing. So there's no way I actually would tell her anything, @itsKismet . If she was a friend, maybe. I might have an obligation to her then. It's just- the nerve. I could so easily rat him out and he's trusting me not to, while simultaneously being a disrespectful ass and completely disregarding my requests to stop that shit.

 

[Powder]

It's retraumatizing because it's evidence of the world not being safe.

Rather than a safe place where all the bad boys are in a biker gang and all the good boys are married with kids, there is no telling who will do what with no remorse. Feelings of others be damned.

More scary is that we, who were so traumatized by such lack of clear boundaries between good/bad, could also be living forever in this dangerous no man's land. What will happen to me next? Who can I trust? Or worse, can I trust myself to navigate life without ever hurting anyone, myself, or making mistakes that will cost someone their happiness in life?

This last one is a particularly hard question for me with my PTSD when in flashback. I've done some things I still can't believe. I'm afraid I am, deep down, not "better enough" to be on the other side of the line I've drawn between the good guys and bad guys.

For damn sure, my father killed my inner "Wonder Woman" and I have no more heroes or role models to hang on to. I hope beyond hope I become my own heroine, but I'm constantly afraid I'm not.

In my opinion, it's a basic need to have a role model who doesn't prove to be a mirage, or die, or f*** up during the critical morality forming years prior to age 8, when basic identity is being formed, and then find either another or sustain one through adolescence, when identity gets experimented with more into core adult roles.

My only hero was my grandpa, who was taken by cancer when I was 9. I'm still looking for him everywhere, most especially in myself. And when I don't see the goodness of him in me, I look around for it and feel disappointed. It's my inner child looking. I gotta find a way to convince her I'm her hero now. This is the only insulation from such despair at what I see around me in other people.

 

[Kintsugi]

@Muse that was amazing. You really hit on something above with me and my own feelings. It definitely seems the wolves in sheeps clothing show their teeth when this sort of thing transpires. So right. Thank you for sharing that.

 

[Powder]

Thanks, @Simply Simon. I'm glad my being uber vulnerable is helpful and not annoying a bit. :woot: