Relationship How To End Things With Him The Right Way

[Deleted member 27524]

Okay so things haven't been the greatest between D and I since the weekend before Memorial Day. I want to try and express myself without sounding selfish or like I don't care about what he goes through. I DO care! I care bigger than Texas as we say here in Kentucky. I worry for him, I hurt for him and I am so thankful for the love I found for him. It was something I'd never experienced my whole life was something that beautiful or so easy to self sacrifice for. His happiness was my happiness and his pain was mine. However we live 4 hours apart and this only getting 10 minutes of communication a day has taken it's toll on me. I guess I should be thankful he doesn't shut me out all together and I feel a bit selfish for wanting more. The logical part of my brain gets it. I GET IT....but my heart doesn't. I can't help but feel unwanted, uncared for, abandoned, forgotten, like nothing basically. Even though I know....I KNOW to my core that none of that is true.

I know how he feels towards me and it's beautiful, he's beautiful. He's the most unselfish man I've ever met. He told me I've been good for him and I make him so happy, fulfilled and I was a true blessing to his life. When he was used to the wolves circling him for either his looks or money yet I've proven my loyalty and he's finally seen that a while back. I earned his trust and I never wanted to betray that but as I said part of me keeps saying "you don't matter to him cause if you did he'd be more communicative." It's just become to much to deal with the "unwanted" feeling at 4 hours apart. He opened himself up to me and he said "I thought I was made of steel but I wasn't". He also said "I've realized I can't ever let you go." I was the first woman in 13 years he opened up to. He's expressed to me that he's only been this close to one other woman and that was his fiancé who passed away 13 years ago. I don't wanna let this go and I feel like I've fought hard for it the last 2 1/2 years and to be fair he hasn't stopped communication but it's just not enough for me anymore.

My questions are how do I proceed to end things with him the best way possible? What do I say, as well as I know he will continue to contact me as he feels we shared something "rare and special" as he says. I know he won't let it be done just that easy. How do I deal with it? How do I go about making my heart move on from someone I honestly thought someday I'd marry?

 

[catlover26]

Thunderstorm, It sounds like you have given so much of yourself and at your young age you shouldn't have to feel guilty for wanting more out of a relationship. There is always a 'line' you have to draw somewhere and realize no matter how much you love someone if your needs aren't being met then you have to decide when to move on.

I realize that after meeting someone I truly love after leaving what became a loveless 30 year marriage that some day it could come to this for me. Or we could end up being friends. I really don't know how I could do it. But I am so much older than you so I hesitate in ending it because I don't think I would find someone I could love and trust as much as my Vet.

As far as how to end it with him the best way possible, it is hard to say. With my marriage and the way my ex was I needed to write him a letter to explain in detail why I had to leave. I set in the other room while he read it. Then we were going to discuss anything that needed to be discussed although he didn't really care to. That also helped me think out and express my feelings in detail in written form to help during a very emotional time.

Making your heart move on? Such a tough one. Time, counseling and more time

I'm sorry that you are having to make this decision and wish you the best!

 

[Sighs]

If you're done - and it sounds like you are - then be done. Block all contact after you've told him that you are done.

You don't have kids together. You don't live together. You're 4 hours apart. You said

he won't let it be done just that easy

but it's not up to him. If you block him from your social media, block him from your phone etc then its done.

(I realise of course that your emotions will not be 'done' so neatly and easily - my point is that either party can make a unilateral decision to end a relationship - there's no need for the other person to consent.)

 

[Tinyflame]

Hello @Thunderstorm, I don't know what to say but perhaps this:

It's just become to much to deal with the "unwanted" feeling at 4 hours apart.

Are you sure he would still try to contact you? I don't think most men would (I wouldn't as a woman with ptsd). (Not because you are not wonderful, just the combination of rejection/ disinterest/ numbing of emotions.)

I am sorry it was so hard for you. :( :hug:

 

[Deleted member 27524]

@Junebug I KNOW 100% he will drive here to plead his case! That is what I want to avoid.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, I imagine you wouldn't have wanted a man who wouldn't? Especially if things have been ok. However, if he is not violent, I don't think it would be a problem, would it?

 

[Sighs]

Lock the door and stay inside. Call the police if he will not leave.

(Yes - I've done this. I had to get a restraining order. No, he didn't have PTSD.)

He could prove you wrong. I once agonised over breaking up with someone because I actually thought he might become suicidal (he was already depressed). All he said was "I want my stuff back." :eek:

 

[Justmehere]

@Junebug I KNOW 100% he will drive here to plead his case! That is what I want to avoid.

Tell him you are unwilling to meet in person to discuss it. Don't text or email news to break up with him. Give him the respect of a phone call or video call.

Tell him you need to end the relationship. Be kind but be clear about why.

Express what boundaries you need in a matter of fact way, for his sake and yours. Then keep those boundaries. If he shows up after you have made it very clear you don't want to meet in person again, call the police.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

He isn't violent at all. He's always had this calm voice even when he's upset it stays calm. It just hurts bad enough to lose him let alone having to face him. I'm not afraid of him in the physical aspect at all. I just think even if he comes here to say whatever he needs to say it will only make it harder.

@Justmehere He won't even talk to me on the phone right now, only text! It's sorta the only option I have.

 

[catlover26]

Do you have someone that could stay with you or someone you could stay with when or right after you tell him?

 

[Justmehere]

He won't even talk to me on the phone right now, only text! It's sorta the only option I have.

Argh. That is crappy. Ask him for a phone call by a certain day/time, and if you two don't talk by then, then yeah, tell him on text.

Even if he isn't violent, if you don't want to meet with him in person, and you tell him to not come and meet with you in person, and he still comes, it's actually a crime.

How do you let him go? It's going to hurt. This is a big loss. It seems like the relationship is already close to gone. You will grieve for a time, and then it will get better. Connect with friends and other supports as much as you can, before, during, and after the breakup. Know this forum is here for you too. Counseling is also an option. It's not because there is something wrong with you, but because this is a huge loss. You invested a lot of heart and time into him, and you have clearly loved him. It's ok to let go, and it's going to hurt. It is already hurting you a lot. Breaking up is painful, and it hurts for awhile. Try to remember that the pain will get better in time.

 

[Friday]

My biggest question is 'what if'?

What if he packs a bag and moves in? From a hotel or apartment in your town (semi-rational), to your doorstep until if/when you let him sleep inside?

I'd say its 50/50 with most vets I've dated whether they bail or barnacle when I break up with them. With one, he did indeed sleep on my porch until I got tired of tripping over him. Bastard did it on purpose. (Cocking a knee when I'd go to step over him... He was literally sleeping in my doorway :rolleyes: He's still a good friend.)

Since it sounds like you'd be okay with bailing... What if it goes the other way, and he's entirely willing to nix the distance issue? Still break-up, or no?