How Do You Cope With Missing Your Therapist?

[falling_wave]

Weather it's waiting longer than usual for a session or a particularly tough week its natural to miss the person who you share such intimate life details with and who consistently helps you grow. How do you best cope with missing your T when you cannot have contact?

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I just try to find things to do that Distract me, I like writing and drawing. Sometimes I would write what I would say to her and imagine showing her it and imagine what she would say, like I would imagine her talking to me in a kind voice and reassuring me. Sometimes I just write other things unrelated to therapy. Sometimes I just have a good long cry! :oops:

 

[Changing4Best]

There was a time, after I moved to this new location several states away from my previous place of residence, that I did not know of a therapist here. I was busy unpacking, trying to replace objects that I had not been able to bring with me due to space in a van which would be carrying my stuff during the move, etc.

I crashed really bad some time afterwards, due to not having a therapist yet. I ended up in the mental ward. I also was on several meds that were not the right ones for me. So, when my case was reviewed by the hospital psychiatrist and new and better meds were prescribed for me (which I am still on now) I am doing much better and functioning well. I am still taking them many years from then.

I have stabilized and am doing quite well now. I only need to see my therapist once a month.

 

[mrsps]

I see my T once a week. I miss her so much between sessions as I am not close to many people but my T is someone I feel close to and she is so gentle and caring, like the mother I never had.
What I have found helps when I miss her is that I write stuff down and write it to her. I write stuff I want to tell her whether it be that I miss her or that I am struggling with something or just stuff from my past I want her to know. It helps me connect with her when I do this, and I take in some writing most weeks but I go through what I have written and delete a lot of stuff out so its only the important stuff she reads.
My T knows I miss her and she says that's ok. She really is a fab T I am very lucky :)

 

[barefoot]

Without wanting to sound like a stalker, I go to her website and just look at her photo. For some reason, I find that quite calming and reassuring. Which is strange in a way because I always think the couple of pictures she has of herself on her site don't really look how she looks in real life. But there you go....something about it seems to work for me.

I also tend to imagine our next session and play out what we'll say to each otherother. Sometimes this is helpful/reassuring. But I have to admit that other times it just makes me feel a bit obsessive as I can spend ages doing this and it can keep me a bit stuck in my longing to see her. So then I try to go for distraction - keeping very busy to occupy my mind so that my thoughts don't keep drifting to her/sessions.

 

[shimmerz]

It isn't hard for me to understand this at all. You have been finally able to tell your secrets, there is someone who actually has your best interests at heart, most likely you have some pretty good attachment disorder issues, and with her you most likely feel safe.

Why wouldn't you yearn for more of that? You have a whole lifetime perhaps to make up for. Have you spoken to her about it? Can you write her emails or letters? Ask if you can send to her? Or even if you can't, write to her as if you will be sending them to her. Nothing wrong with wanting to keep a healthy connection imho.

 

[falling_wave]

Why wouldn't you yearn for more of that?

I do feel safer with the attachment but I don't yearn for more of it because missing her is painful. I would never avoid therapy because of this but between sessions especially when it is unexpectedly canceled I feel a sort of grief that I can't connect and practice self control to avoid calling. I don't like to contact between sessions unless it really is an emergency so as not to get overly dependent and not to wear her out before we actually have session.

 

[shimmerz]

I don't like to contact between sessions unless it really is an emergency so as not to get overly dependent and not to wear her out before we actually have session.

Smart. So it sounds like you have a fair bit of executive control over it. That is really good!

 

[Deleted member 29899]

I see this both through the eyes of us, and a therapist. Missing or needing an appointment to share stuff that has come up and actually missing your therapist are two different things and some of these posts (not all) are crossing the line into dependency and friendship. Which is exactly what a therapist doesn't want (if they know how to do their job). Which is not what's best for us. They would like us to form these relationships in our personal lives with other people not with them.
You can't view your relationship with a therapist as a friendship or as a parental relationship because you're only going to end up getting hurt. Sometimes they as well cross the line and start to act like friends, which is wrong.
It is a paid working relationship. They can't and shouldn't get 'too close' to clients either. What if they moved or changed jobs? People crash.
I can remember one therapist in particular that I had paid a bajillion dollars to over time, I eventually realized that I was paying for a friendship. $100 a week to laugh so hard all the time we'd almost be peeing our pants. But literally I was paying for his friendship which wasn't right.
Anyways my point is we shouldn't become dependant on them for survival or needing to view pictures of them til our next appt. it isn't healthy, this isn't what they want, it's overboard. I've been there too, and it's not best in my or your best interest. This is understandable when this happens with young needy clients who need parenting or as adults who've never been to a counsellor before and don't understand boundaries but as adults we need to know the boundaries and where the line is.
A shrink here just died. Ones who had gotten too close didn't fare well.
Am I getting my point across? I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself properly or not.
I 'miss' my therapist as well, haven't seen him because I don't have the money right now but even if they do 'care' about us, it's in everyone's best interest to be conscious of that line. I know I could get 'attached' and dependant, especially because he's very good at what he does but It's a working relationship and should be considered as such for our best interest.

 

[falling_wave]

@imok I think most of us know we shouldn't be so attached and maybe even feel shame on some level for it but we work with what we feel. There is a difference too between yearning for that connection and say driving by places where a T might be. It's in the self control and the way we channel the feelings that we have. I created this thread in hopes that we can give each other ideas about how to chanel the feelings in a healthy way.

I talked to my T last week about concerns I had with missing important people so strongly. She pointed out the root of it with wanting a mother figure and how that was a very healthy coping skill to find that to fill the need. I asked if there was a way I could avoid becoming so attached and she said no and that it's natural even healthy. She then talked about some cbt stuff to help with obsessing over what I feel. Eg. Giving myself one hour to focus on it and then forcing myself to focus on something else because the hour is done. I hope that we can support each other because the feelings are natural.

 

[Deleted member 29899]

I get that @falling_wave , others get that, some do not. And you did not convey in your post that you got that. Some simply do not understand that. Thanks for clarifying.

 

[barefoot]

@imok - I understand where you're coming from but I don't think those of us who've said we in some way miss our therapist necessarily have major attachment issues and are hurtling over boundaries in a desperate attempt to be best friends with our therapist. I know I'm not!

For me I think it's more about having that safe space - it's the therapeutic space and the opportunity to say things I wouldn't say to anyone else and really be seen and heard and validated when I do so. And, of course, if I didn't like my therapist or if we didn't get along very well, I'm sure I wouldn't feel the need to look at her website photo sometimes because it probably wouldn't have any impact (not a positive one anyway!) But if that's how I felt about her/our relationship I wouldn't still be working with her anyway. I'm not saying she's irrelevant and that it's 'all about the space'. But it's about her and her ability and compassion and skills when she's holding that sacred space, which is the thing I sometimes miss when I have to wait a while before I see her next. And if occasionally looking at her photo feels reassuring to me when I'm having a hard time, I'm going to just crack on and do that - I don't think it's 'overboard'.

We share lots of laughs in therapy too. Humour is really important to me and my quickest way of getting into relationship with people in any situation. It's how I make connection with people, how I see what I think about someone, how I build rapport, how I put myself at ease and help make others feel at ease... Yes, if you find that you're not ever 'doing the work' or if you're feeling frustrated because your therapist just wants to have light chat with you and entertain you/be entertained by you and you don't feel you're getting your needs met in the sessions, something's probably not working. But liking your therapist, missing them when you can't see them and enjoying the relationship/session time you have with them while you're working in your stuff doesn't mean you don't have boundaries and that you and you're therapist have crossed a professional line.