Bully At Work

[greenscousegal]

When you are not in direct confrontation with this bully, look at him and imagine he is just a turkey,plucked and ready to be roasted ! Try to practice
looking at him without engaging in his manipulation. It will take time but after
a while, you have released yourself from his power.
I got to tell you, I 'see' a lot of plucked turkeys and it means I win, not them.

 

[piri]

:smile: plucked turkey! I liked that one :wink:
It's been a while since I was deep into books and web sites about work bullies, but this thread made me trace back to where I was about 1 year ago. (and I'm sorry to say I had some days with increased PTSD symptoms because of this, but also happy to say that I manage :smile:).

Ladybug, I'm so happy to hear that you see how dangerous this person is. On the other hand, it's some truth in what greenscousegal says: these persons depend on the power that you give them, and I know, that because of your background, it's hard for you to be calm and relaxed about it. I've found some good advice for you, and take it from someone who's been through this hard process and lost against the bully!

This is from bullyeq.com:
BASIC ADVICE TO TACKLE WORKPLACE BULLIES

1. DOCUMENT AND DIARISE ALL SIGNIFICANT EVENTS RELATING TO YOUR BULLY. ACCUMULATE ALL EVIDENCE THAT WOULD SUPPORT YOUR CASE.

2. Decide if you want to make a complaint about your workplace bully to HR. This is risky as the person you complain to could side with your bully and it could get worse for you. It may be only worth doing this if you have good supportive evidence and/or the support of coworkers.

3. It may be possible to successfully coexist with your bully by "keeping your head down". It is a balancing act to be tactfully assertive to avoid your bully breaching your personal boundaries. For example, tactfully decline requests by your bully if you think that he is just attempting to manipulate you. You need to make it known to your bully that you are not a pushover and the bully may consequently find it easier to find another victim to manipulate. However, going too far and overtly criticising your bully can be dangerous. It can make him very angry (known as "narcissistic rage") and things could get a lot worse for you.

4. A variant of the previous strategy that may be worth trying, is to resist getting angry or respond to your bully when he taunts you. He may get off on making you angry so if you don't react or get angry he may get bored with you and go and bully someone else.

5. Once a bully has successfully breached your personal boundaries, he will just keep on doing it and successively try to breach forever deeper. He may intimidate you, yell at you, belittle you, make false accusations, try to get you to apologise for something that was not your fault. He may continually attempt to undermine your work, your self confidence and your self esteem. Once the bully manages to get you to play his game by manipulation and deceit, he is in control and recovering from the situation becomes increasingly difficult. He has sunk his claws into you. He may, for example, start smearing your name by spreading false rumours and get others to bully you on his behalf (known as mobbing).

6. It may be best just to cut your losses and run by getting another job.


You are unlikely to make a bully see the error of his ways as bullying is most likely second nature to him (called egosyntonic) - he is "in denial". It is usually a waste of time even trying. Chief bullies frequently have an incurable personality disorder. Bullies are commonly narcissistic and are often referred to as control freaks. They use a psychological defense mechanism called "projection" to offload their own failings and sense of shame onto the target. They claim that the target is to blame and he is the victim. They use scapegoating and even engineer failure by the target by setting them up to fail. Others may get taken in by the bully's manipulative charm and delusions - even some psychologists.

The only way you are likely to beat a bully is to get support from someone who has leverage and authority over the bully thus putting the bully back in his box.

Bullying can be overt and/or covert, where covert bullying is "passive-aggressive" behaviour.

there's also a site called bullyonline.org, worth visiting!

Wish you all good luck :thumbs-up

piri

 

[ladybug08]

:smile: plucked turkey! I liked that one :wink:
It's been a while since I was deep into books and web sites about work bullies, but this thread made me trace back to where I was about 1 year ago. (and I'm sorry to say I had some days with increased PTSD symptoms because of this, but also happy to say that I manage :smile:).

Ladybug, I'm so happy to hear that you see how dangerous this person is. On the other hand, it's some truth in what greenscousegal says: these persons depend on the power that you give them, and I know, that because of your background, it's hard for you to be calm and relaxed about it. I've found some good advice for you, and take it from someone who's been through this hard process and lost against the bully!

This is from bullyeq.com:
BASIC ADVICE TO TACKLE WORKPLACE BULLIES

1. DOCUMENT AND DIARISE ALL SIGNIFICANT EVENTS RELATING TO YOUR BULLY. ACCUMULATE ALL EVIDENCE THAT WOULD SUPPORT YOUR CASE.

2. Decide if you want to make a complaint about your workplace bully to HR. This is risky as the person you complain to could side with your bully and it could get worse for you. It may be only worth doing this if you have good supportive evidence and/or the support of coworkers.

3. It may be possible to successfully coexist with your bully by "keeping your head down". It is a balancing act to be tactfully assertive to avoid your bully breaching your personal boundaries. For example, tactfully decline requests by your bully if you think that he is just attempting to manipulate you. You need to make it known to your bully that you are not a pushover and the bully may consequently find it easier to find another victim to manipulate. However, going too far and overtly criticising your bully can be dangerous. It can make him very angry (known as "narcissistic rage") and things could get a lot worse for you.

4. A variant of the previous strategy that may be worth trying, is to resist getting angry or respond to your bully when he taunts you. He may get off on making you angry so if you don't react or get angry he may get bored with you and go and bully someone else.

5. Once a bully has successfully breached your personal boundaries, he will just keep on doing it and successively try to breach forever deeper. He may intimidate you, yell at you, belittle you, make false accusations, try to get you to apologise for something that was not your fault. He may continually attempt to undermine your work, your self confidence and your self esteem. Once the bully manages to get you to play his game by manipulation and deceit, he is in control and recovering from the situation becomes increasingly difficult. He has sunk his claws into you. He may, for example, start smearing your name by spreading false rumours and get others to bully you on his behalf (known as mobbing).

6. It may be best just to cut your losses and run by getting another job.


You are unlikely to make a bully see the error of his ways as bullying is most likely second nature to him (called egosyntonic) - he is "in denial". It is usually a waste of time even trying. Chief bullies frequently have an incurable personality disorder. Bullies are commonly narcissistic and are often referred to as control freaks. They use a psychological defense mechanism called "projection" to offload their own failings and sense of shame onto the target. They claim that the target is to blame and he is the victim. They use scapegoating and even engineer failure by the target by setting them up to fail. Others may get taken in by the bully's manipulative charm and delusions - even some psychologists.

The only way you are likely to beat a bully is to get support from someone who has leverage and authority over the bully thus putting the bully back in his box.

Bullying can be overt and/or covert, where covert bullying is "passive-aggressive" behaviour.

there's also a site called bullyonline.org, worth visiting!

Wish you all good luck :thumbs-up

piri

Thanks for the advice. There is one good thing, I only work three days a week, 12 hour shifts, and he works across the hall. So my contact is limited.
I will check out the web site.

 

[Irton Pike]

the person who, until very recently, bullied me regarded himself as a freind. They are strange people. Very difficult to pull the hooks out.

 

[Marlene]

I have a bully at work. I stood up to him because he was rude, obnoxious and arrogant to me. I'm fortunate that I have a boss who knows this and backs me up. Since I've drawn my 'line in the sand' with him, he's no less rude, obnoxious and arrogant...but he keeps his distance more from me.

Agreeing with all that's said above especially document, document, document! Write notes with your own short hand or code on them, slip them into your pocket and write it out long hand at home where people aren't apt to find what you've written. Keep your supervisor in tune with what's going on and try to get help with him/her first. Stay in your chain of command and do it the way it's supposed to be done. If you go over your bosses head it will usually backfire on you. Check your company handbook to let you know what the company policy is on bullying/harrassment. In many states it's illegal and it costs companies money to have to deal with it.

The best advice would be, if possible, to just ignore this person and act like they don't exist. It takes a lot of the power away from a bully when you don't give them the attention they crave. It takes a lot to be able to just ignore...but the results are worth it.

Another point, especially since this person is triggering you like your mother (my bully at work reminded me way too much of my father!) is that when you finally do stand up...whichever way you choose...you're going to deal with the fall out of a lot of stress in a short time. Yeah, you'll feel great for what you did, but you'll also have to deal with the big trigger of standing up to your mother in the guise of this bully. Short term rise in your symptoms will probably happen. And whenever we deal with our triggers, don't we increase our stress and symptoms?

Good luck to you.

Lisa

 

[Irton Pike]

wise words lisa.

My stress levels go haywire dealing with my bully. I have detonated at work on several occasions and made some mighty expansive use of the anglo saxon words we aren't supposed to use in a professional environment. Needless to say, my bully used these as evidence that i was not fit to do my job, that i was unproffessional and was destroying the project! Nice guy!

 

[Irton Pike]

Dunno if this is any help to anyone but, in my situation I was being bullied by my boss who was retired but worked on a voluntary basis. My immediate line manager was completely hands off and big mates with the retired guy.

My problems started when i disagreed on a method of working with the retired guy. Because i wouldn't do as i was told, he started micromanaging everything i did, coming in every day to give me instructions then nitpicking my efforts the next day and leaving more instructions.

When I went to my offical line management he backed the other guy up completely and threatened my me with the sack if i couldn't work with him.

sometimes it is very difficult to deal with a situation when you are painted into a corner.

I don't like civil war, who does? So rather than get union help i just worked harder and harder. Eventually, after a year of this i developed chronic IBS and my PTSD symptoms were haywire. I didn't recognise my symptoms and eventually i went into councilling. I told my two bosses about what was happening, PTSD. I am pretty honest like that and i believe in confronting problems head on. Unfortunately, the retired jonny used my symptoms against me and was backed all the way by my line manager.

IT was very difficult. What i should have done was to go above my mangaer and/or go to the union.

I probably would have done but i got a job with another gaffer in the same place. When my old retired boss eventually started physically shoving me about, my new line manager banned him from contact with me. Things are much better now!

I found it very difficult to see who could help me because my symptoms were wild and i couldn't see the wood for the trees. Its at times like these you really need someone who is objective and familiar with the parties involved who can give you impartial advice.

 

[lrs]

Your location is not stated on your site. If you are in the U.S., there are laws against harassment in the workplace. Sexual harassment gets the most publicity, but there are other types of harassment. If you work for a corporation, this gets serious. Harassment is defined by our company as behaviour that creates a hostile work environment.
Our company has mandatory harassment in the workplace seminars annually. Harassment can be overt, but it can be subtle. My company has a zero tolerance policy. They will fire your ass in regard to this issue.
You do not have to tolerate this, nor should you.
If you work for a company large enough that you could be transferred somewhere, surely they have a human resources department.
I want to be very clear. There is no gray, this is black and white.
If you are in the U.S., you need to go file a formal complaint with human resources.

 

[lrs]

Ladybug how is it going? Is this person still giving you a rought time?

 

[ladybug08]

Ladybug how is it going? Is this person still giving you a rought time?

Thank goodness this person works across the hall from me, so contact is minimum. That's how I like it.:thumbs-up