Relationship Isolation And Giving Him His Space.

[Redwish.]

Hey Guys,
It's been about two weeks since things have been normal. My boyfriend with PTSD use to want to see me 2/3 days a week and now it's down to 1 day if I'm lucky, and won't text me. He's basically vanished off earth to me but continues to hangout with his friends. He also keeps trying to push me away saying that he's a waste of my time and broken, and that I need to save myself and leave him. And that's the last thing I want to do. Should I just wait it out and see if he comes around again?

 

[NaeNae75]

I'm going through something similar. I'm sorry I don't have the answer for you, but I don't have it for myself either. I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

 

[Beech]

Men tend to do that at times. They go away, have a think and if they want to they come back. Pestering them to spend more time with you doesn't work. But make it clear that you do want to see him. I reccomend cooking something nice and asking him if he wants to share it with you :)

 

[Redwish.]

@NaeNae75 that's good to know. How do you cope?

@Beech and I would try doing that if he ever contacted me or hungout with me /:

 

[Redwish.]

@NaeNae75 I'm just having a hard time staying, and staying positive that he still wants to be with me.

 

[NaeNae75]

@NaeNae75 I'm just having a hard time staying, and staying positive that he still wa...

I'm so sorry for that! I know exactly how that feels. I cycle back and forth with that in my head too. But we've been together 5.5 years, and this is the third time for him. It's somewhat "easy" for me because my father suffered terribly and I have PTSD too. I know that the way I cope is to have little ways to know set up with him ahead of time.
Like right now he doesn't feel up to talking (and he isn't talking to anyone....not even his mother) but he texts me every night to say goodnight. We came up with that plan when he was "good" so that I could know that things will be okay.

 

[Redwish.]

I'm so sorry for that! I know exactly how that feels. I cycle back and forth with that in my head too....

We've been together for 4 months and this is the first major one. And I'm new to all this, plus it came out of nowhere so I had no warning. And he won't talk to me at all.

Has yours ever told you to leave because he was a waste of your time or similar to that?

 

[NaeNae75]

One of the things that works for me is to make lists of things I'm wondering in between conversations. That way, I can organize my thoughts and not come off to him as needy or clingy. They are already under stress, so the less stressed I interact with him, the more positive he acts in return to me. The only way I know how to do that for myself is to be prepared so I don't unload and repeat myself.

You also have to find things for you to do for yourself in the meantime.

Give yourself a deadline to be "okay with it". When the deadline arrives, re-evaluate

 

[NaeNae75]

We've been together for 4 months and this is the first major one. And I'm new to all this, plus it came...

Oh yes...each of the three times. That's a pretty normal way to feel. It does come out of nowhere.
One thing you have to realize is that this isn't going to ever go away. Keep that in mind when you are deciding what you can handle for yourself. If you're having trouble now, imagine what it would be like in 5 or 10 years. I'm not saying it will never work, but it will never be "normal".

I often try to balance his selfishness with my own. I make decisions based on whether it seems equitable in the big picture or not. When he is bad, I'm usually okay...When I'm bad, he's usually supporting me. So you have to decide somewhat based on the "good" times. Be honest with yourself. If during the good part of the cycle, if he treats you exceptionally, than that may be enough to carry you over. Mine is excellent to me in the good times, so I accept it. But if he's okay or eh during the good times, well than it might not be worth the bad times.

Only you can decide what you can live with.

I'm fairly independent, so I have plenty of work to deal with when he's isolating...I don't like it, but I can manage and cope because we have things in place that allow me to know he's coming back to me. If you don't have that, you may want to keep your options open until you do. Work on yourself. You can only change and control you. The first time he did this, I worked on my own self esteem and health. I started going to the gym, I joined a church group, got involved in things that I enjoyed. I had to absolutely force myself at first. I didn't want to do anything, but than I feeling the stress release. By the time he came around to being more healthy for our relationship....so was I.

 

[Redwish.]

Oh yes...each of the three times. That's a pretty normal way to feel. It does come out of nowhere.
One...

That's really helpful, thank you. So I should stop stressing and just keep myself busy. And even though he completely shut me out and is telling me to leave there's still a possibility we will be okay?

 

[NaeNae75]

That's really helpful, thank you. So I should stop stressing and just keep myself busy. And even though...

If it is meant to be, it will be. The more you worry, the less "attractive" you look....to anyone. Letting go does not mean giving up. It means let go of the anxiety. (much easier said than done, but can happen with practice). You have to be strong for yourself first. Send the occasional message if you want to stay with him. Leave an occasional voice message....don't overwhelm him, though. It just makes you look desperate.

Let him know you're going to give him his space, but you're here for support. Tell him you still care, and you can decide to be there for him....that's your decision, not his. He will make his decision in time. But if you work on yourself, when what is meant to be happens, you will be healthy and ready for it.

 

[Redwish.]

If it is meant to be, it will be. The more you worry, the less "attractive" you look....to anyone. Lett...

That's all very true, thank you so much. I needed this support.