Do You Think People Believe Self Harmers Without Big Scars?

[Cool Cat]

I nearly posted this in the anonymous thread and decided not to. I'm sorry if this post offends people. Anyways, anyone who has seen my posts when I was more active may know that I am a young ctrauma sufferer. I started self harming when I was about 13 but for the most part, it wasn't cutting. A lot of the time when I was younger it was small stuff but on a regular basis.

I haven't self harmed in several months now which I am really proud of. But when I tell people I self harmed for about seven years they expect me to have heaps of scars and so on. I don't. It was only in the last year or two when I did it that I started to do it to a level that needed medical attention. And when I was doing it badly, I always went to the health centre - even though they were very hurtful at times. As a result, I thankfully have barely any scars. The ones I have are faded.

But I'm very insecure about telling people about my self harm. I think I'd be lying if I said I didn't do it for almost half my life but I'm afraid they'd think I'm some sort of faker since I don't have lots of scars.

 

[joeylittle]

But I'm very insecure about telling people about my self harm.

I'm curious - why do you want to tell them, at all?

 

[Cool Cat]

@joeylittle good question, I've lived in secrecy my whole life and I am tired of it

 

[iwannadeletethis]

I nearly posted this in the anonymous thread and decided not to. I'm sorry if this post offends people....

@Cool Cat hey!! I hear ya. I tell people about my PTSD and they get freaked out or don't believe me. The thing is, people aren't going to believe you if they've been stuck inside their bubble their whole lives. They should get to know you before they decide you're lying. I find it as a part of opening up to people when I get close. I want them to know so they can love me well. Is that so wrong? I totally understand if that's what's going on. I know how awkward it can be. ((((Hugs))))

 

[joeylittle]

OK. Well, I'd say that the people that you'd really want to share this with will not be the kind of people who would bother to think that you are lying. But there's a fine line between wanting to share it and wanting people to notice, to give a shit. I think if you are looking for people to notice, the way they didn't notice back when you hid everything - that's going to lead to telling people who really might be more like the people who were causing you distress in the first place, back when you did the harm. Those people aren't going to give a shit about you, really. And yeah, they might do stupid things like asking for 'proof'.

I think it's enough to know that it's not a secret anymore, without having to make it an immediate topic. There will be a time, a place, a person, where you will want to share it. And that will be (by default) the right time and place. Otherwise, if you just want to be able to talk about it, that might be better in a support group of others with shared experience - OR, if you haven't told your therapist yet, tell them - OR, if you have a friend you know to the depths of your toes that you can trust, tell them....

Just my two cents, take it or leave it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I see this as a theme in your threads, that is, seeking out the approval of everyone else. Why are you seeking this approval?

 

[ghotiff]

But there's a fine line between wanting to share it and wanting people to notice, to give a shit.

I have been caught in this loop a lot. I assumed that when I told people of my abuse while I was still "in" it that if people believed me, then they would care and do "something" or "anything" ..... They didn't.

If you can dissect and know what you perfect response would be to you telling, you can then decide if you think the person you are wanting to tell can give it to you. For me, the anwser is ususlly that they can't, but sometimes in working out what I want, I can give it to myself.

 

[joeylittle]

If you can dissect and know what you perfect response would be to you telling, you can then decide if you think the person you are wanting to tell can give it to you. For me, the anwser is ususlly that they can't, but sometimes in working out what I want, I can give it to myself.

This is so true, absolutely right, yes, yes, yes.

 

[Changing4Best]

I self harmed by pulling my cuticles off, and then I would bleed. I have no scars, thankfully, but I can relate. I don't mention that I did that. Some folks maybe would believe it, others probably would not. I did bleed a lot, usually sucking on my fingers until it stopped. I don't recall anyone ever noticing.

I don't do it anymore. I use a cuticle trimmer now. And I rarely cut myself with it. Certainly I don't cut myself on purpose anyway. I never spoke to anyone about it. Not even my therapist knows. I think I shall leave it that way, especially since I don't do it anymore. I stopped doing it once I'd been in therapy for several years. We handled the root causes, thankfully.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks @joeylittle

I should clarify...working out what you are wanting is very difficult (at least for me). I think if what I was looking for was obvious to me, I wouldnt get caught in that loop.

 

[Friday]

Cutting is only one form of self harm

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Cool Cat,
I can empathize with your looking for some validation for what you've felt.

However, unless Irish culture has significantly changed in the few years since I left, I don't think most will be capable of giving you any validation.

Arguably, Irish culture is one of inter generational trauma, but it is characterized by invalidating denial:

• It's still not at all difficult to find people who will openly tell you that the child victims of abuse at the hands of priests, must have lead those poor holy men on and corrupted them...
• It was only about the time I was leaving that one of the GAA stars came out as gay. Absolutely unheard of!

and self medication

• a drink, or ten, after watching those youngsters in the GAA match

and more denial:

• "Sure, with a climate like Ireland has, what else can you do but drink" (even on a gorgeous summer Sunday afternoon - yeah, sure it's the climate).

And a pile of guilt trips and co dependance from the stereotypical Irish mammy.

The culture I grew up in is not much different. even in middle age I regret telling my mother about PTSD, she'd probably try to have me hospitalized if I mentioned self harm (I'm not joking - she only wants what's best for me - and her wish to suck up and seek approval from people that she sees as authority figures decides what that "best" might be).

There are people who will offer you validation, though working out who they are might be difficult.