I Am A Perpetrator.

[Capej]

I am a complete failure as a human being. I think a lot about death. There is no one nothing nowhere that will fix me.

 

[Ajim]

Thats fairly recent loss... can you give yourself some time to get used to it first, think up where you're moving from it now?
You're having difficulties, that doesn't mean you're a failure. You don't need fixing just because some relationships in your life didn't quite work, certainly not by death.

 

[Capej]

99 percent of my family had been gone for years. The only one not yet gone was a distant cousin. I emailed him last week and he emailed back to say he was not willing to be in my life like everyone else.

I have no relationships. The local mental health center who treats violent schizophrenics said I'm too verbally abusive and they have rejected me. I have called every licensed professional within 200 miles. I have been turned down again and again. I'm out of money. I will be homeless at the end of the month.

I'm not trying to argue but this is exactly what everyone hates. What I'm doing now.

I see people with jobs and families and therapists and help and I envy them and then I want to break me.

 

[Capej]

The local crisis line transfers me to voicemail because I get so angry on the phone. It's really bleak. I don't know why I'm posting here. I think I'm trying to find any way to make it through the next hour.

I wanted to have a family.

 

[Vizub]

I'm not trying to argue but this is exactly what everyone hates. What I'm doing now.

What you are doing now is reaching out. That is not a mortal sin. I admire your tenacity with attempting to get help and am so very sorry that the system is failing you, that your family is failing you. The triggers that you speak about seem pretty normal to me. And it sounds like you are so frustrated with not being heard. That is a huge trigger in and of itself and I would imagine it has been ingrained in you that you will face rejection based on your past experiences.

Have you posted on this board before? If so, is there someone that you can trust enough to PM with you? Do you think you can look through postings here to see if there is someone else who has had similar experiences? Everyone needs connection. I am so glad you posted.

 

[Ewako]

I have had several psych evaluation and full psych and neuropsych testing done. Again and again, I'm told it's PTSD.

Has anyone suggested Tourette's Syndrome?

Assuming that was ruled out as well - but if it wasn't, you might want to look into it - from what you are describing, you could be dealing with undiagnosed borderline personality disorder along with PTSD. People with borderline who manifest primarily through rage have a really, really hard time and need someone to work with them who can be supportive, consistent, and really able to keep calm in the outbursts.

have you ever looked for DBT therapy, inpatient, for borderlines?

 

[Capej]

They said I'm not borderline because I don't manipulate people and various other reasons. "You are too direct." I'm not sure they are right. I have wondered if I was borderline for awhile.

Tourette's is an interesting idea. I will look into it more. My abusive father thought I was autistic.

I have done DBT. I don't know why it didn't help more. I have piles of DBT and anger worksheets. They have helped in other ways, but not much with this anger and the yelling.

I was doing better for awhile, until I was attacked again. Going through another traumatic event seemed to obliterate the small progress I had before.

But you did remind me that things were better than they are now. They were not good enough, but they were better. Improvement is possible. I have to believe that, or else I would be dead.

All of you are being so kind to me. I don't deserve it at all. Thank you for being kind anyhow.

I want to be kind and not so afraid and angry.

 

[Edi]

I'm the one who was asking about Tourette's.

You should also learn about Intermittent Explosive DIsorder:
http://www.uptodate.com/contents/intermittent-explosive-disorder-in-adults-treatment-and-prognosis

That article is really dense, but very thorough.

I asked if I had explosive impulse disorder or bipolar. The doctor said it's not bipolar and it's not any other disorder.

Talk to another doctor, get a second opinion. If you have intermittent explosive, and PTSD is co-morbid - that could also look a lot like you. Tourettes is one of the tic disorders, and more complicated to diagnose than one might think - intermittent explosive, for a diagnosis someone really has to be working with you for a bit and get a ton of detail.

It's really clear you want help, and that you need some pretty focused treatment. Don't be afraid to keep asking questions, keep looking.

 

[Josi]

Oh, there's most definitely a perpetrator here on the forum! She posts quite often and I laugh in my head thinking she's getting what is coming to her. Karma is a biotch, right? She was welcomed with open arms, most likely because she is female and females can do no wrong, females don't abuse others, females are always the motherly, nurturing type. I hate to say it, but I'm glad to see at least one perpetrator suffering.

 

[Ikika]

because she is female and females can do no wrong, females don't abuse others, females are always the motherly, nurturing type.

I would think here of all places no one is that naive. Perhaps if another member bothers you that much, you should use the block button. It's there for a reason.

But isn't it just lovely how the claws come out as soon as one can't be identified.

 

[Gimamo]

@Josi Delighting in someone else's suffering? Be careful of that road you're walking down. Getting off on other people's pain has some pretty predictable consequences.

 

[Cibovut]

Tough topic but I think I'd go/roll with:
"I'm a trauma survivor." (k, who you are)

"I have PTSD, I work my ass off in therapy and I have sold most everything I own to pay for treatment." (I am invested and care about my prognosis and condition so much so that I have actively pursued responsible treatment options)

"In spite of it all, I think I may be even more of a perpetrator than ever." (I am fearful of my potential and capacity for harming others.)

"I have never physically or sexually harmed anyone." (hang on to that one, it's significant and a fact provided you are being entirely honest here which I can presume but not know for certain)

"I have scared and frightened people - a lot." (I am reactive to a degree that frightens and scares people in spite of my own best efforts and treatments. - I lack perhaps emotional regulation, or have low frustration tolerance, or????) Examine this, it is assistive.

"I scream at people when I get triggered. I slam things. I sat horrible frightening things when triggered." (I act out when I'm reactive and am aware of my behaviors and the impact it has on other people... heck it even scares me/myself.)

"Being triggered is NOT an excuse and I have never claimed it as an excuse. I never mean to scare anyone, but I do." (I know/understand right and wrong behavior and do not excuse myself... this behavior is unacceptable to me and I don't like it. I want it to go away.)

"I don't think I should be alive. I keep telling myself I don't deserve the death penalty, but I am running out of ability to believe it anymore. I can not let myself victimize anyone else ever again." ( I feel helpless, hopeless and have exhausted my resources and effort trying to correct/resolve this problem. I am afraid of myself and do not want to live as I have before. I want to change and I want to live my live without causing harm to anyone ever again. - Desperation, ambition, aspiration, want/need and desire)

Haven't read any of the above responses however take heart opening poster.... if you pause and read carefully... there is cause for optimism. Just my take and I'm just another member... no shrink or person of any authority. But I'd say if you've invested and applied yourself to recovery to the degree you profess.... you may be acute aware of the impact you have on other people... and still have the fear that you may re-offend?