Death Obsession

[CBLive]

For the last couple of years, thoughts of death (my own) have amplified significantly. I think about killing myself and also think about dying by other means. I then think about my funeral. I wonder who would attend. I wonder if my kids will cry. There are these terms like "suicidal ideation" etc. I know I've alwa had this. I Had a nightmare a couple months ago where I was in what had to be a c-5 Galaxy aurcraft (just by the way I was sitting) and we started to spin end over end down toward the ocean and death was imitate. I thought about my kids..I started to yell out loud "no no!" And my wife woke me up and my heart was pounding.. This nightmare has convinced me that deep down I don't want to die. I don't want to leave my children and wife. But I still have these thoughts of death & fleeting thoughts of suicide multiple times a day. I ask why this is?

 

[NaeNae75]

I wish I had an answer for you....but I will tell you I also have regular thoughts such as yourself, but no real desire to die. (more than a fleeting one) Sometimes I think for me, when I think these things, I'm really trying to get the pain and anxiety to die by thinking these things. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I have sole custody of my kids, so my desire to be here for them always wins. I think the other thing that happens too is that when I picture my funeral when I'm suicidal, I imagine all of my family there saying things in order of calling me selfish, and I refuse to prove them right. That may not be right, but if it keeps me from pulling the trigger....I guess it's better than nothing.

I'm sure I didn't help you, I'm sorry for that. But I hope things get better for you. I know that I used to be obsessed with these thoughts and now they don't occur nearly as often. Now they mostly happen when I'm under duress. They also don't last as long. But I'm glad your dream has convinced you that you don't want to die. Me either....

 

[Glara]

My ex is very suicidal. He listens to songs about suicide, always thinks he's dying when he has any kind of health problem and has had suicide plans. He told me that what stops him is he doesn't want to go to hell because he'll never see his mother again, and he's heard her voice telling him to go home.

He never said why he feels this way. I imagine it's the pain he feels. I don't think he really wants to die either, I think most people want to live but don't know how to deal with what they're feeling. I've been suicidal myself (I never told him). For me it's always been about pain and loneliness but it's also hormonal and seasonal, which I think change my perspective. I'm definately less depressed during spring a summer when the sun is shining. I'm definately more depressed with my cycle and less so when I'm on birth control pills.

I guess what I'm saying is it can be a combination of chemical events and life events. From what I've read, the physiology of the brain is permanently changed in those with PTSD. Anitdepressants can't help with that but they may help with any chemical imbalances that result.

That's all very clinical and doesn't help with the emotional side of it. Just like me reading all about PTSD but still having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I know this isn't exactly an answer, but it's what I think.

 

[missyfjr]

Dear CBLive,

Firstly, hi. I'm really new to forums and, an actual diagnosis of ptsd (although not to the symptoms) so I'm not right now in a place I am able to give you any advice. I can say I have felt like this from as far back as I can remember and this place has been a great relief in learning that your not alone in your way of thinking. That in itself can be a big weight of your shoulders esp. when it comes to having kids and the guilt that comes with these thoughts. I'm glad your family keeps you grounded. Mine are what keeps me grounded, too.
I'm sorry I can't be of any help but maybe if you check in the other forums I know there are some very brave, strong, kind people that could.
Kind thoughts for you and your family during your healing,

Missy

 

[Gadgie]

Glara, has your ex ever visited this site? As it might be of help to him, I know it has helped me a great deal. Maybe if he sent a while reading through the posts on here, he might make a connection to what he is feeling.

Sitting quietly reading through other peoples posts, might be better than having a session of therapy, it would also give him the chance to write down what he is feeling, as sometimes writing things down is easier than telling someone face to face.

Just an idea that came to me while reading your post, worth a try.....maybe.

 

[joeylittle]

But I still have these thoughts of death & fleeting thoughts of suicide multiple times a day. I ask why this is?

Some of us just do. I honestly think that's the answer. But what I also think is that at some point, these thoughts were a coping mechanism. Now that you can clearly recognize that you are just having painful thoughts of suicide, not actually compulsions - it's possible to try to train yourself away from them. A thing called 'Mindfulness' will help a great deal. For me, DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) has helped me learn to manage these thoughts.

The more you can learn to interrupt them right when they flare up, and do that consistently, the less you will have them - that much I know.