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Relationship Still Happy/still Frustrated.

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Becksknox

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So I posted the other day that my guy said I love you to me and I was ecstatic because I am seeing pieces of the old him coming back, some slowly, some a little quicker now. On Wednesday, he got really sick at work and texted me that he was going home and would I come over. Of course I ran to the store to get all he needed and met him at his place. Within an hour I was feeling pretty bad myself so I know we had a virus. He was much sicker than me but do to his auto immune disease, that is usually the case. So he had asked me to text his mom. After a couple hours, when she hadn't responded I called her. She comes over and tells me I can go home, while he and I are laying in bed (in between puke runs to the bathroom). He was holding me and told his mom I wasn't leaving. Granted this man will be 47 next month. I told her what had been done for him and his what his dr had advised for me to do.

I was a little happy that he told me to stay even though she wanted me to leave. She's a little overbearing.
So later that day he and I were talking and he called me his girlfriend. I was screaming with joy inside, but didn't say much to him about because at that moment it wasn't really the ideal time to discuss what that meant.

I posted the other day that my feelings were hurt about not going to his family's 4th of July BBQ. So then he tells me his niece is having a birthday party for his dad this Sunday. I said nothing because if he wants me there, he will ask. I'm not adding stress to ask him if I can go. So this morning we got up and he had to take his son to work, I went home to walk our dog and he was bring breakfast and Starbucks over so we could hang out some before his son gets off. He was going to leave and the dog and I were at the front door to say good bye and he says "maybe you can come tomorrow, I'll text my niece about it". I was so happy and said "did you really just say that to me?" Because to me this would be a big deal. Especially since everyone in his family knows we are together in some capacity at this point. He then says he was talking to the dog. Of course my eyes filled with tears as much as I tried to hold them back. He said I will be around his family soon but not now. To an extent I get it, it's a family function for his dad's birthday. Nonetheless, it cut like a knife.

@itsKismet, you had perfectly explained this to me the other day and I know I should think of it in those term, but it hurts like hell. His family knows and likes me and wants him happy which I know they know I make him very happy. At this point, why would he still be uncomfortable with keeping me away?

As much as we have moved forward, I feel like this sets us so far back. I know it's him and not me and he needs to be ready, but at this point, I don't even want to hear from him for a few days. I've told him it hurts my feelings and I feel as if he's hiding me from his family, though thankfully, no longer from his friends.

I've got plans the rest of the day and I have put him on do not disturb on my phone so I'm not constantly jumping every time I hear a text come in.

Is this normal? I know I should think it is, but it still hurts. It's the constant push/pull but this time I want to push so far until my arms ache from pushing so hard. As he was driving home, just across the street in another neighborhood, I texted him to say it hurts my feelings, even though I do my best not to care.
 
He then says he was talking to the dog.
ouch.
I texted him to say it hurts my feelings, even though I do my best not to care.
Stop doing this. Just make a rule for yourself, for the relationship - no conversations by text for important relationship/personal/emotional issues. I do think it's important for you to express that you really were hurt when you misunderstood; that you are still on board to let him have the time he needs, but you'd like him to be aware of your sensitivity to the subject.

I think texting is possibly the worst thing to happen to interpersonal communication in the last 20 years, so that's a bias I have. But it's too impersonal for personal content.
 
He then says he was talking to the dog

Double ouch. That is pretty sucky.

I agree with @joeylittle about the texting thing though... my Vet and I have had many a blow up over innocent texts, just because you cannot read emotion or inflection into them. It is really easy for somebody to imagine snark or aggressiveness into something when it just isn't there.
 
he says "maybe you can come tomorrow, I'll text my niece about it". I was so happy and said "did you really just say that to me?" ... He then says he was talking to the dog.

That was a dick thing to say and he did it on purpose to either tease or get a rise out of you! He knows this particular subject is a biggie to you, yet he jokes about it? I'm pissed off for you. I wouldn't go on the attack, wait until you've calmed down, but he would damn sure know not to do it again.
 
@joeylittle @Sweetpea76 @Peach We did talk about it last night. He's a big "how do you think I would feel" so I gave that back to him. He realized it.

He always promised I'm going to the next family function. He said today was his dad's birthday and his dad is medically fragile and still upset about he treated me thru the beginning of this and he doesn't want to face the discussions or nosy about it. So next Saturday supposedly by his word I'll be included.

I'm making notes of all of it for my therapist for Tuesday. I have days where I want to say eff you and walk away and never look back. But my heart, stupid thing that it is, can't seem to follow along. I have offers for dates and I've gone on a few, but he flips, even though he said months ago that's what he wanted and I don't even enjoy my dates bc I'm not vested in them. He is my heart and I don't know when or if I'll get over him. But I don't want to be alone forever. I just want him to love me the way he did when he said a hundred times it was forever.

Fir my own sanity this week, I will be distancing myself from him. He's at his dad's now and I just told him his dog is ill and to come get her. I've bent over backwards to help her and him and he needs realize I'm stretched too thin and he needs to step up. Maybe if I pull myself out of the equation and he realizes all I do, he will miss me and realize he's very close to losing me. It may hurt like hell but I've recovered from worse. This is just hard bc of the extreme love I have for him.
 
That all sounds very good. I hope you get the results you want. Make sure you let us know what happens Saturday.:)

I've always wondered if absence still makes the heart grow fonder even when we're dealing with PTSD. Kinda seems like they'd take the feelings that come up from the absence and sweep them all under the rug and never acknowlegde the sadness. I feel like if I tried it, it would just backfire.:confused:
 
@Peach I know with my guy, it does work. But everyone is different. In this case it wouldn't be to trick him into wanting me, it's for clearing my thoughts, having a chance to write them out so I can see them clearly and also go to my therapist with them, to further understand them. I am learning to put me first and it has made it easier to remove myself from a situation.

I know it wasn't done intentionally to hurt me and after I texted, we did speak about it face to face calmly and he does understand my feelings. He does all the right actions and mostly all the right words so I try to cut slack on him not being ready to use labels a lot.

It's my mind that analyzes too much and I should just learn by now to take his things at face value. It's a personality fault of my own. I'm very sensitive and little things can set me off when most may let them roll off their backs. I'm the first relationship he's been in where he's had someone like me. I'm fairly certain his ex wife has a cold black hole where her heart used to be. That's not from him, that's me knowing her years before u ever met her. I didn't know him but always felt bad for him bc of her.
 
I've always wondered if absence still makes the heart grow fonder even when we're dealing with PTSD.
I was going to comment on this one. And Becksknox said it.
But everyone is different.
Agree with this.

Someone long ago, told me this "absences makes the heart grow fonder" and guess what? I am not talking with them right now. It is like they are completely absent and I don't expect them to be present. Heaven knows if I will ever get to talk with them again or not. lol.

I think it depends how it is, if the connection is meant to be, it will happen.

@Becksknox You have very good understanding and it is nice to learn from you how you work out this tough things. :tup:
 
@Tanishq I feel the same. I'd never try taking a risk like that. It would most likely turn into a case of out of sight, out of mind. LOL For every pearl of wisdom, there is another pearl stating the exact opposite.;)
 
@Peach I think, that means you don't give anyone false hope. Something rare to see in today's world. Mostly people take risk, say that and one of them ends up getting hurt. Thank you. :)
 
@Tanishq you're sweet. :hug:

Desparation causes people make bad decisions most of the time. I'm sure that's where that comes from, to want something so badly they decide it is worth the risk of losing everything than to stay in a position of wanting, though they may suffer for it later if/when things don't work out.
 
@Peach @Tanishq Trust me, it's not easy to try it at all for fear of losing, but if you lose that person or they come back, you are better either way. When mine says he needs space it doesn't last long but I will be short and a little distant myself. One to show I'm doing as he asked and 2 to safeguard me. It's not always easy and I go bat .... Crazy at times for it. But he always has come back.

I went against my own rules today and snooped after I dropped him off at work and found my engagement ring. He's had hard financial times and sending it back could greatly help him but he hasn't so that brings me a little bit of peace. It's in his mind that we have a fighting chance and I will hold tight to that reality for now.
 
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