Vent - I Left My Husband & I'm Scared

[catjudo]

Annie--Thanks, I think that helps, a lot.

 

[Rivergirl]

Sure there are do-overs! No one is the perfect parent or says the perfect thing all the time. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, eh?
Remind your daughter that we can still love daddy, but we can't live with his hitting people any more. That's not okay when someone hits you.
As for your daughter's anger, you can tell her that you will always be there for her, and that you're not going to leave her. When she's angry you can talk to her, give her time-outs, talk afterwards about it (what made her angry, what else could she have done rather than act out) and remind her that it's okay to be angry but not okay to (hit, kick, pinch, scream, whatever she's doing). This is a time when you can encourage and teach her to talk about her needs and her opinions, and be there to listen and consider them, and negotiate her needs with her. If she's nervous you might leave because she hits, you can tell her this won't happen, that she is still a child and is still learning about anger, and that takes awhile and that you will help her learn not to hit.
And sure there are do-overs. You can say "Remember when I told you that [blah blah blah blah]? Well I've been thinking more about that, and now I think that.........etc." Include her in the discussion, saying things like "how would you like me to act when I'm angry at you?" and "How would you like to handle it when you're angry at me?" and talk about behaviours, how hard it is sometimes when you're going through big changes, and that you love her, daddy loves her, and that you and she will get through this and be okay. Ask her what she thinks of all this. She needs to know that her opinion is important to you and that you want to know what she's feeling and thinking, and that the two of you can discuss things.

Don't be too down on yourself.....you're doing great and handling a huge situation right now, maybe the toughest situation of your life. One day at a time, and don't forget to breathe!

Rivergirl

 

[catjudo]

annie & rivergirl--
really good advice, i'll do my best to try your suggestions. thanks.

 

[catjudo]

I've started talking to DD about the fact that her daddy is not going to be living with us anymore. I tried explaining to her that it's not okay for people to hit and that daddy hasn't learned not to hit. She thinks maybe he should go to school and then he'll learn not to hit. Ahh, the wisdom of kids (she's never been to daycare or preschool of any kind). If only it was that simple. Anyway, she says it will make her sad but seems to be handling it okay so far.

I'm really sad and having a tough time not just breaking down. All of this would be a lot easier if I hated my husband. I don't. He's not a monster. He has some monstrous behavior at times that I'm not willing to tolerate but that's not the sum total of who he is. I stand firm in my decision to end our marriage but it hurts so much. I just want to curl up in a ball and tune out the world. I feel so lost, empty and scared.

With everything inside feeling so empty yet raw and hurting, I've had some SI urges. Physical pain is so much easier than emotional pain. I want/need the distraction. So far I've been strong enough to resist SI. I'm trying really hard to not do SI but I really suck at handling emotional pain.

 

[pandora]

Catjudo...maybe time to call an outside angency to maybe give you a bit more support.....i did id and it has done wonders,, helps you feel so alone.

 

[Bettespaghetti]

I work at the social services office where I live. They have many programs that may be of some financial use to you. You specifically would want to go in and ask about food stamps, temporary assistance and medical coverage for your daughter and yourself. The case worker will also be able to refer you to other agencies that may be able to help you if you get in a bind.

Know that you did the right thing. Is there not a shelter maybe you could stay at rather than with your folks? Just a thought.

Big hugs!

 

[Nicolette]

I just wanted to let you know my thoughts are with you Catjudo. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.

 

[Bettespaghetti]

Almost 6 years ago, my then 9 year old son made the 911 call that saved my life. He saw his then step dad strangling me until I was unconscious and heard him hit me a number of time. Of course there were emotional repercussions not just from that, but from the whole world changing that day and the days that followed.

He started becoming violent himself and confrontational about everything. I tried to redirect and gave him "safe" things he could hit and abuse rather than me or his siblings or things belonging to us that mattered. I also put him and his siblings into counseling.

It's a tough road, but with lots of love and reassurance that he did what he could, and he saved my life, it wasn't his fault, positive reinforcements, love, love and love...add in the therapy he is now a different person.

Hang in there!

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

I think once this situation calms down you will be able to deal with your daughter's behavior problems. It's just an overload of crap thrown at you all at once. The slightest things that normally doesn't upset you can make you feel your whole life is spinning out of control.

Remember you left your husband because you want your daughter safe. If you leave her with someone, you will never know the outcome. See if you can wait it out before you make a decision about your daughter.

If your able, take her to a child psychologist to see if they can help you cope with her outbursts.

Good luck!
Tammy

 

[catjudo]

Thanks. It really does help to hear from others who have been in a similar situation. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster but I am finding some strength in the words that all of you have posted.

I think once this situation calms down you will be able to deal with your daughter's behavior problems. It's just an overload of crap thrown at you all at once. The slightest things that normally doesn't upset you can make you feel your whole life is spinning out of control.

Remember you left your husband because you want your daughter safe. If you leave her with someone, you will never know the outcome. See if you can wait it out before you make a decision about your daughter.

If your able, take her to a child psychologist to see if they can help you cope with her outbursts.

Good luck!
Tammy

Tammy--
I know that once things begin to calm down I will be able to get a better handle on DD's problem behaviors. Overall, she is a really well behaved little girl. The problems started out, I believe, as age-typical behaviors. A couple of things then happened: 1. they were reinforced by witnessing the way her daddy handles his anger/emotion and 2. I was attempting to implement consequences for her negative behavior but wasn't able to be consistent because I was also having to protect her from my husband (ie instead of giving her consequences for bad behavior I would end up consoling her and making sure she was okay because my husband had gone overboard and hurt her). Inconsistency, IMHO, is the biggest downfall to even the best behavior plans. At this point, I definitely see some progress with her problem behaviors and know that with a little patience, improved consistency and time she and I will work them out.

I do plan on finding a child psychologist for her. I took her once almost a year ago (after the initial incident of my husband hitting her) because I wanted to make sure I was doing everything I could for her. She was still kind of young for a psychologist to feel very comfortable working with her but they thought she was processing everything fairly well at the time and gave me some tips for helping her along and warning signs to look for. After everything that she's gone through in the past year I think I will be taking her back. I always want to feel like I'm doing everything I can for her.

Remember you left your husband because you want your daughter safe. If you leave her with someone, you will never know the outcome. See if you can wait it out before you make a decision about your daughter.

I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding what you're saying or if you've misunderstood something that I've said BUT...I'm not considering leaving my daughter with ANYONE. I won't even send my daughter to daycare. She wants to start preschool and I can't bring myself to let her do even that (which brings on guilt feelings because I don't want to hold her back but that's a completely separate issue). If I have an appointment that I can't take her to (or just need a few hours away for myself...but rarely take advantage of this) she either stays with a close friend (very short list of only 3 possibilities) or I have one very trusted "nanny" who will come and stay with my daughter on an as-needed basis. Not really sure how much I'm going to be able to afford using our nanny in the near future until finances are figured out but the point is...I'm not even considering the possibility of leaving my daughter with someone else.


Anyway, I do want to thank everyone for their kind words and support. It means a lot. Like I said earlier, I very much feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I'm not very good at handling emotional pain but I still have avoided any SI...so I consider that a success. It's still a struggle but I'm trying to take it moment to moment so as not to get too overwhelmed by the feelings.

 

[lrs]

I do know how hard it is to do this. My mother picked me the last day of school my junior year in high school. We were fearfull he might try to kill us. He was more than capable of this, physically and psychologically. I lived with an Uncle that summer, the others in my family lived with my Grandmother.
This is the right thing to do, although it is so very difficult. Your daughter will be better for it, and this time of your life will pass.
Good luck, and be carefull.

 

[Annie]

catjudo

Your daughter will do just fine with constant affirmation, routine and consistancy. She is young enough and resilient enough that this should present itself as a blip on the radar in the grand scheme of things. Like I said before....if you remain consistant with your plans and with what you tell her, she will be fine. Mine are. I am proud of you for talking with her about her Daddy not learning...and so you know, my son had the same reaction, why not go to school? For them that is quite the logical response, and hell why not go to school? She will get used to it...and remember, ther are lots of things she will put you through that are age and gender appropriate.

Annie
:Hug_emoticon: