Continue Relationship With Parents?

[Mammo]

Hi,

According to my T, I and my siblings were physically and emotionally abused when we were kids. I thought last year I could separate all of this as "ancient history" and no longer relevant to my current relationship with my parents which improved substantially after I left for University at 18.

...But, last year I found out my Father still occasionally hits my mother.

I confronted him about it, and some of the things he said make me feel sick even now, such as:
- Saying that hitting my mother is not "abnormal", that actually it's cathartic.
- Saying "It's not like I'm a real wife-beater...if I really wanted to hurt your mother, I could."

When I tried to re-frame the issue, saying if a partner of mine had hit me, wouldn't they (my parents) be the first people to say something about it? "Not necessarily...it would depend on the circumstances."

In discussions with my T, he says things like, "your dad cared more about winning the argument about his behaviour, more than his own daughters' feelings." I contrast my dad's comments, to those of most normal fathers, who would likely completely lose it, if anyone hit their daughter.

This topic is just an example of many, where I am sat here thinking...why do I keep pretending that they and our family is ok? Do I want a relationship with a man who describes hitting his wife as "cathartic"? Do I want a relationship with a man who would say such a thing to his own daughter, even if she is now an adult?

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but it's incredibly difficult to reconcile the things being discussed with my T, and continuing to have a relationship. Are other people who've been through similar still in relationships with their parents? Or not? If I were to cut off contact, would that be wrong, or too-extreme/disproportionate?

What do you think?

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

If someone is emotionally venomous to you, they must be left behind, even if they are flesh and blood. You can love them, but you don't have to like them.

 

[Mammo]

If someone is emotionally venomous to you, they must be left behind, even if they are flesh and...

Yikes, "emotionally venomous"...that's a good one. Do you think that's really that bad? (genuine question - am not being facetious or flippant).

 

[Intrepid]

There is no winning an argument with someone who is abusive. I have had similar arguments with my mom, who says that she used to beat me because she had no other way to control me. At other times she will deny she did it at all. And at other times she blames my feelings about it on me wanting to look at things in the worst way possible.

So, I let her have her space to believe what she needs to believe. That means I don't see or talk to her very often.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

It is emotionally destructive for you to be exposed to such behavior. Leopards rarely change their spots. Your mother needs to get out of that situation, and if she won't leave him, the abuse will definitely continue. PTSD alone is hell within the mind, and you don't need any more emotional stressors, especially that type of dysfunctional, predatory stress. Hope that makes sense.

 

[CRPS]

Both of my parents were deceased since I was 15 and I often wonder what it would have been like to grow up with my parents and how my life might have turned out if I did? Would have my Dad realized the path he had chosen and not murdered both of his wives and destroyed his life and affected his children in the process. I'm so sorry to hear that your father is abusive towards your mother and justifies his behavior. Maybe eventually you can convince him to get help but for now please do what you can to help yourself while dealing with this situation. Thanks for sharing and I hope you are able to find some healthy solutions that help change your life in a positive manner.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

I know some of the things I say sound cold, but you must attempt to preserve your emotional integrity. You are already in a great amount of pain, or you wouldn't have chosen to seek the advice and support of others. People, even close kin, have to be left behind sometimes. They are emotional black holes, and will suck all of the life out of you if you let them.

 

[Mammo]

There is no winning an argument with someone who is abusive.

Hi intrepid...no winning an argument with him at all...made worse that he argues for a living (he's a judge). He refused to consider getting any help, as he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, in fact it was described as though it was a good thing...

 

[ReachingOutJ]

I know some of the things I say sound cold, but you must attempt to preserve your emotional int...

I want to leave my abusers, but I am partially financially dependent on them. Whispering_Truth, you are so right, but money problems and health insurance can get in the way of freedom.

 

[Mammo]

I know some of the things I say sound cold

Hi Whispering Truth, not "cold" at all, I appreciate the honesty and candour, even if it is a little confronting. But, thank you.

 

[CRPS]

Thats a very tough situation when you're financially dependent on them. I hope you find a healthy resolution at some point "ReachingOutj"

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Hi Whispering Truth, not "cold" at all, I appreciate the honesty and candour, even if it is a little confr...

I apologize if it sounded confronting. Wasn't meant to be. But, I have learned, one more than one occasion, that family can and will betray you and cause you emotional misery quicker than anyone else. You are living in an unnatural and emotionally destructive environment. I hope you are blessed with a way out in the near future. You deserve to be at peace.