Strange Star

[Deleted member 12723]

I just enjoy reading what you share so much! You are a very gifted and talented writer. Just so you know.

 

[Hope4Now]

Thank you, @gizmo! (Blush blush). You are so kind and supportive. I really appreciate you.

 

[Hope4Now]

My husband is home. YAY!
More nightmares. BOO!
My daughter's knee seems better. YAY!
I got my bloodwork back. BOO! (nothing really bad that diet and exercise can't fix though).
It's a beautiful day. YAY!
I've gained more weight. BOO!
I had a great and deep conversation with my son. YAY!
I am having a lot of flashbacks of the car accident. BOO!
My mother thinks we had dinner together this week even though we didn't. YAY! (There are benefits to dementia.)
I have to weed the walkway this morning. BOO! (but I will do it as my mindfulness activity).
My finger is still swollen. BOO!
I am grumpy. BOO!
Uh, oh...I stopped alternating Yays and Boos. :(
My friend's crazy annual party is tonight. YAY! (He and his wife are storytellers and have no qualms about being silly...one year we had a kazoo parade around the neighborhood...50+ adults and kids playing tunes. I've no idea what's in store for tonight...)
I am working my way through some tasks I've been procrastinating about. YAY!
I cut my foot on a nail and it hurts. BOO! (Sometimes I hate old houses with old floors held together by old nails.)
There are kids selling lemonade across the street. So cute. YAY!
My new neighbor who walks down the street yelling swear words is out again. BOO! (I really don't know whether there is something wrong with him or if he is just a really angry person...seem to have a lot of the latter around here.)
Okay...must end on a Yay...My fish, Muse, is still alive even though I forgot to feed her for a week because I have been avoiding my studio space. YAY!

And &.

That was kind of fun. Reminds me to balance Yays with Boos so I don't slide down either side. Off to weed. 30 minutes only, whether it gets done or not. That is my new approach to dreaded tasks.

 

[Hope4Now]

Three things.

First...:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:.
I just noticed I have 27 pages in my diary. I remember looking at other diaries when I started on this site and thinking, "Oh, God. That's awful. That will not be me." :banghead::bag::arghh;:O_o::woot::wideeyed::roflmao:

Second...:woot::woot::woot::woot::woot:
Small pleasures. Today, I went down the stairs in normal-person fashion without holding on to the walls (there is no railing). Last night, I went UP the stairs (albeit slowly) "holding on" with only my index fingers lightly on each wall. I CAN DO THIS! I CAN heal this pain in me. (In the interest of full-disclosure: I said this to my husband: "And that's a full 12-hours after the neurontin!" His response: "Um, yes, and a healthy martini." :D)

Third...:):):):):)
Weirdest symptom of weird symptoms that has been with me since great meltdown of Fall 2013...I stopped being able to read novels. Not just serious fiction, but all fiction. In June, for the first time since Summer 2013, I finished a novel which now holds the #1 spot of my all-time favorite fiction. Today, my daughter wanted to go to the bookstore to spend the gift card she got (a year ago!) for being in a professional opera production as a volunteer. I was feeling a bit peckish for fiction, and took her with the intention of finding something that might speak to me. We spent almost 4 hours there (including a pit-stop at the coffee shop because we both had to sit down for a while...it is the limpy and the gimpy show). SO MUCH FUN! I realized I have been avoiding bookstores because I am so distressed by my inability to read fiction any more (and most bookstores have pathetic collections of poetry!).

We had a ball. I bought journals and a "How to Play the Piano" book from the remainder shelf, a very cool jigsaw puzzle (which is one of my new non-verbal activities), and a cheesy copy of Maguire's Wicked, which I started to read when it first came out 20 years ago and never finished...now I am interested. She bought a different very cool jigsaw, a sketchbook, a piano book of great pop tunes, and three novels (two of which I can't wait to read...very cool YA novels, which I like). I also wrote down the titles of three other novels I am really interested in. We'll see; perhaps the spark is rekindling. I truly hope so. I really miss reading fiction. But even if it doesn't happen and I am unable to wade through, I had a lot of fun both browsing the fiction shelves and just hanging out with my daughter. It was a good afternoon. I came home rather exhausted and sort of sick with a cold, but I am so glad we did this.

So. Good day. Generally. Despite the hangover from nightmares and a brandy-new flashback that is tormenting me. Ahh, all a balance I suppose. Hoping it will stay in balance. Also found an awesome new website for healthy eating...it is so cool. I remember the days of counting calories and/or carbs. Wow, technology has "brung" us far. Yay.

Signing off in high hope of losing my stupid, medication-induced, disgusting weight gain, and in hope of rediscovering my healthy obsessive/compulsive fiction reading. :cool:.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Like you I also gave up on reading books of any kind for a few years. Now other interests I gave up have a spark in them and I am back doing some of the things I used to love so much so I am so very happy for you.

 

[Hope4Now]

Have begun reading Wicked. It's fun. Am also reading Animal Speaks by Ted Andrews (about animal spirit guides/animal medicine). It is an oldish book, but I really like it. I think he is a pretty wise person. Some people would think he is pretty woo-woo. I don't think that at all.

I had a double-whammy appointment day yesterday...both good but exhausting. I called out Mr. Famous Psychiatrist on one of the things he said that bothered me. We had a decent talk about it. He also said some things to me that helped heal the rift I was feeling. I have to remember that these helping people I'm dealing with are just plain old human beings with their own parts that get in the way sometimes; but still I find him to be one of the most profoundly confusing people with whom I interact. I suppose I need to clarify better for myself what I am looking for in meeting with him. Because it is something beyond just meds. Hmmm. Will need to reflect on that. I did tell him my nickname for him, and he laughed. Genuinely. I left out the "stupid" part that I added a few days ago, though. :)

I am glad Yoda is back. I missed him. Yesterday's appointment was a sort of reporting out of stuff that's happened over past few weeks. He asked me a question about my birth mother that took me by surprise and gave me some insight. That's part of the Yoda wisdom, I suppose.

I've upped my dose of neurontin. It is amazing. And totally weird...I can still feel the oddness in my body...it just isn't excruciating pain any more. The trick now is to remember that I still need to listen...take care of myself, stay in my body, rest, etc. Have to practice doing this without the pain to remind me all the time. I asked if I could stop taking the Prozac. Of course, it is my choice, but MFP recommended not changing off of that now, just as I am starting to get more stability. I suppose he is right.

I've been approved for my disability insurance. What a relief. Up to two years if it is necessary (which hopefully it will not be).

It is raining today. I am feeling pretty fragmented this morning. Trying to pull it together with coffee, food, writing, and a shower. But I probably need some non-verbal activity before I do much more writing. Stuff like that really helps me--knitting, beading, making bracelets, coloring mandalas.

At the bookstore, I have discovered that coloring is a new big thing for adults. There are zillions of coloring books available for adults. Who knew???!!! Really? It's okay to color? I have HUGE issues with coloring from my past, so I have to navigate this very carefully (I loved to color but it was a complicated activity in my house). Coloring mandalas while listening to quiet music, or even just the rain, is incredibly soothing. My parts tend to talk to me a bit when I do this...and it's good because it also keeps me grounded in the present.

Today's intention: listen to my parts. As many of them as I can hear through the noise.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I so needed to read what you said today. I think you are amazing and inspiring. You are good people Hope. Cyber hugs.

 

[Hope4Now]

You are good people Hope. Cyber hugs.

Right back at you, @gizmo. Thanks for all your encouragement. I can't imagine what it was that I wrote and you needed to read; but I'm glad I did something that caused a positive ripple. :)

 

[Hope4Now]

1:17 AM. Should be asleep. Am not. My new fitbit will show wild discrepancies in sleep. Last night I did sleep, but it said I awakened 24 times. Hmm. No wonder I am tired in the morning. Too bad it can't interpret dreams for me too. If I stay in bed, I will just torture myself until I crash from exhaustion so...

I have ruined the diet for the day at 1 AM by eating bread and drinking chocolate almond milk. It is impossible to do high protein/low carb as a mostly vegetarian. Blech. Need to figure out something else. Something that accommodates my need for occasional sugar binges (Mike & Ikes and Good & Plenty of all things the other night), and for salty icky junk food like chex mix. EWWW. I don't eat this stuff. Who does? :wideeyed: Hmm. I guess I do.

I am pretty mixed up/blended up in parts tonight (argh, this morning) but I am writing anyway. Don't know what else to do. Everyone else is asleep and I don't feel like writing in my journal. Too messy. So here I type. Fended off icky self-destructive impulses tonight. Yay for me. A bit rather too close for comfort though. Would rather it had not happened. Not sure why it did. Perfectly pleasant evening except my husband made me cry without intending to.

This is weird. I rarely, rarely cry. And when I do, it is mostly explosive and purgative and leaves me feeling ashamed. Happens around 1x or 2x per year. Tonight it was just tears. Tonight, he asked me, "So do you think this is your new normal?" Said very supportively and kindly and genuinely. And I reacted. "NO NO NO...I HATE THIS!!!" and went on from there. It has been three years with the pain, almost two with everything else. NO! I want to walk on the beach. Hike the white mountains and the green mountains. Ride my brand f-ing new bike I won in an essay contest 3 years ago because I planned to train to do a 150 mile fundraiser ride. Play with the dog. Go shopping with my kids without collapsing at the register after 2 hours of walking 'round. I want to be able to visit my dying mother without it feeling like an episode of Survivor. Or talk to my uncle without feeling like I'm navigating a minefield in no-man's land in Korea. I want to stop feeling so exhausted every minute of the day. I want to enjoy at least some of this life I have left.

He says it's fine if this is the new normal. He loves me. For that, I am grateful. I wish I could love me too. Normal or not. I am working on this. So hard. Working to convince all my parts that--for better or worse--we share this one stupid fat old body and that's all we've got. Working to get consensus on some sort of diet and exercise and rest and self-care plan that will help me/us feel better. Thought I had it today--but after this late night "snack" and a few others this week, I'm not so sure.

Mr. FP asks if I can tolerate "differences of opinion." Yes. Of course I can. Just not when they are inside of me and I am trying to act like a consistent human being :arghh;:banghead::banghead::banghead:. There appears to be neither democracy nor consensus within my system. Self is just not quite strong enough to be running the show. Somebody needs to step in and help. Yoda, where are you? I wish I could download Yoda's brain into my own. I suspect he is not quite as patient or compassionate with himself as he is with me, though, so maybe not. Maybe I could just get the part of him that deals with the likes of me. Because when I hear his voice inside me, I just can't believe it. I suppose I will never be a Jedi. Oh, well.

I think maybe I am a decent human being. That's really all I want. I want to be a good person. I want to do right in my life and right on behalf of other people. But my definition of what constitutes a "good person" seems so far out of reach. I suppose this comes as a legacy of my past, but I am still having a hard time accepting that. Accepting that my definitions of what I am supposed to be as a human being are really, really whacked as a result. I am struggling to accept that mediocre/good enough is actually pretty decent in the grand scheme of things. That I can make mistakes and I don't have to torture myself. That I can have needs and I don't have to pretend I don't. Etc. That I am not, nor will I ever be "enough" to make other people happy, much less to save the world from despair. Although I wish this were not the case. I wish I could. I would happily sacrifice myself if I thought it would make a difference, but I've learned after a lifetime of trying to save my mother that it will never ever be good enough. Because everyone is on their own life's path, and I cannot fix their issues. I can only have compassion. This is a hard lesson to learn.

Yoda tells me that if I can manage to be in self for any period of time, I will be able to accept myself and the world as it is. I know he's right, because I have had tiny little glorious moments of this. I want more of these. I've had a nibble of nirvana and I want more. But the only way to get more is to stop trying so goddamned hard to be something I am not. This is very, very hard for my brain and heart to do.

Still working on first step. Accepting my body. Working toward experiencing the world from inside my body. Bizarre and roller-coastery feeling. I cannot do it for very long. Yoda says with practice it will get easier as parts begin to see that it is safe to do this now. But 51 years of neuronal training is hard to rewire. Yet I am trying. Day in and day out. I think maybe the trend is toward better. I'm not sure.

I can do the no-self thing pretty easily. It is the SELF thing that's hard. Backwards, as always. I think I was an adult as a child and am becoming more of a child in my late-stage adulthood. I.am.coloring. :ninja::wideeyed::woot:. And it is an interesting experience. Very triggery. I need to find more kid-things to do that are not triggery for me.

Okay am babbling now. Time to stop and attempt sleep again. My fitbit will be happy.

 

[Pietro]

I think maybe I am a decent human being.

Nope -- you ARE a decent human being. Much more than that. :)

Yoda tells me that if I can manage to be in self for any period of time, I will be able to accept myself and the world as it is.

This is important. As I currently struggle with the end of a relationship, my parts are all over the place, desperately looking for why, how to possibly salvage things, how this simply reinforces all of the trauma-derived beliefs, etc. But, for the first time, I have been able to counter them, to keep hammering away at them as they are hammering me, with compassion and reason, trying to help them understand that, while grief is natural, self-attacks are not, nor is accepting a relationship that is unhealthy. This has been at least a little helpful. I still feel terrible -- the trauma makes any relationship breakup 100 times worse than it should be -- but I've been able to manage the worst thoughts and been at least mildly capable of managing the days. I am self-aware, an adult managing a lot of scared, grieving, angry children. Damned noisy, that. :/

I wish I could tell you how to get to this point. In some ways, I think you do better at this than I do. This is only a very recent thing I've started to be able to do. And it's still not perfected yet, as indicated by the continued emotional misery. :meh:

I think I was an adult as a child and am becoming more of a child in my late-stage adulthood.

Did you ever watch "Mork from Ork"? If so, remember "Mearth"? ;)

I am struggling to accept that mediocre/good enough is actually pretty decent in the grand scheme of things. That I can make mistakes and I don't have to torture myself. That I can have needs and I don't have to pretend I don't. Etc. That I am not, nor will I ever be "enough" to make other people happy, much less to save the world from despair. Although I wish this were not the case. I wish I could.

I am not cool with mediocrity. But what you're describing is not mediocrity -- it's the essence of being human. Part of being human is that we have needs, which is why it's so important that we connect with others. It's also knowing that, while we can't save the whole world and everyone in it (no one can), we can damn well improve our little piece of it, if we want -- but not at the expense of also taking care of ourselves. There must be balance. Still working on that, myself. :confused:

I need to find more kid-things to do that are not triggery for me.

You and me both. I could especially use that, right now.

 

[Hope4Now]

Thank you @Pietro! I owe you a nice long response. It's coming. Family have departed for VT.

I need to find more kid-things to do that are not triggery for me.

This is nearly impossible. Every time I come up with something, parts of me freak because they're remembering bad stuff. Neither of my parents liked the way I played or used my leisure time. So bad stuff means either a) I remember getting punished or undermined or criticized...etc. Made to feel like what I was doing was wrong. (Yes, this included coloring, playing with cars, climbing trees, building things, etc.) OR b) I feel a sense of guilt and doom because the things I liked were not allowed but I did them secretly anyway.

It is a yucky mix and making it very difficult to find fun things to do during which I do not have to be processing a lot of ugly memories.

I've found a couple of things that seem to be okay sometimes...coloring mandalas, beading, knitting, making friendship bracelets--I am working with the parts to remind them that this is perfectly fine now and they do not have to feel frightened or guilty or bad for doing them. But it continues to be difficult to get by the protectors who would have me doing only practical, work-ish things, or things for other people.

I need more play in my life. Task: brainstorm 25 fun things (to me) and assess.

1. Kite-flying? Nope. Not yet.
2. Playing in creeks and rivers? Not easy to do where I live.
3. Building sand castles? I can't get over feeling silly. I can work on that, though.
4. Playing cars? Nope. Brings up way too much stuff.
5. Blocks? Maybe. I have a cool set of more grown-up building blocks my kids never use. I bought them because I liked them.
6. Clay? Too connected to my artistic blocks. Same with drawing and painting.
7. Sculpture? I'm just beginning to experiment but it brings up all the same blocked-artist issues.
8. Dancing? Hurts too much still.
9. Roller-skating? Same thing. Plus brings back yucky memories of bad accident when I was 4.
10. Bicycling? Maybe. It's packed with icky stuff, but maybe I can do that.
11. Singing? Sometimes.
12. Bowling? Nope. Way too many dad memories.
13. Skee ball? YES! No memories at all and very easy access. 25 cents gets you 10 balls. :) ****
14. Origami? Sometimes. Easily frustrated by need for perfection though.
15. Puddle Jumping? YES! But need puddles which are not always available. Could do at the beach though. Hmmm. *****
16. Lego? No, I find lego annoying to my aesthetics. Always have.
17. Building stuff? No. Too involved, space-hogging, and expensive.
18. Horseriding? YES! Brings up icky stuff like bicycling, but maybe I could do it. Too expensive though. Sigh. ****
19. kayaking? YES! But I can't get the stupid thing on and off the car by myself these days. Argh.
20. Paddleboarding? YES! But expensive to rent.
21. Swimming? Maybe. Not laps. Too caught up with my former status as a competitor and all sorts of other things. But maybe water aerobics. Will look into this.*****
22. Jacks? Maybe. Some icky stuff but maybe I could handle it.****
23. Juggling? YES. Memories, but mostly good ones from when I was a clown.*****
24. Marbles? No. No fun unless you have a bunch of people.
25. Archery? YES! Must find a place.****
26. Rifle Range? YES! Same as above.**** WOW...I'm on a roll...
27. Video Games? Maybe. But verge on the addictive for me.
28. Wii Fit Games? YES. ****
29. Puzzles? YES. Sometimes. When I feel patient.*** I just bought a new easier one...500 pieces instead of 1000.
    
30. Playing music. I wish I could. I have always wanted to learn how to play the piano.****
31. Drumming. I LOVE IT but it brings up icky stuff too.

Okay. I'm out of ideas. But I got some new ones! I love challenge brainstorming! Skee Ball, puddle-jumping, horseriding, paddle-boarding, water-aerobics, jacks, juggling, archery, riflery, Wii Fit, puzzles.

I need to make a poster to look at so I don't forget these things. I always forget what I like to do and default to what I should do.

I have eaten 66 grams of protein today and 16 carbs. There is no way I can be a vegetarian and do this low-carb thing. I will have to go back to eating meat for a while I suppose. There is only so much tuna and salmon one can ingest on a weekly basis, I'm told. I have to lose this friggin' weight fast because I hate myself more and more every day. It is hard to inhabit your body when you hate your body.

I spent an hour this morning...in SELF!!!...listening to parts weigh in (pun intended) on this diet thing. I learned a LOT! I think maybe I can make this work.

Tonight my "friend" (actually strong acquaintance but in the running for a new friend...)is coming over and we are going to the pub to listen to...NO, not Irish Music as usual. Bluegrass. I think she thinks the banjo guy who was at the Irish gig on Sunday is cute. So I'm going as her sidekick. So now I need to take a nap so I can have the wherewithal to survive 3 hours of socializing.

It has been a productive day, and I feel pretty damned good about it. I stayed in heart-coherence for almost 20 minutes on my em-wave thingy. And cleaned and stowed all camping gear. Finally. Dumped a ton of stuff for trash. Cleared off stationary bike so my daughter can use it for her PT (and maybe me for exercise). Cleaned my desk. Paid most of my mother's bills, except the one I got locked out of (argh. still have to deal with that). Wrote two thank-you notes. Sent several pressing emails. Drank seven glasses of water. Took my meds and my vitamins. It didn't put too much of a dent in the monster list, but it was extraordinarily satisfying to check off a few things. And its only 4 PM.

Now a nap so I don't crash. Even though I really, really want to do something fun or productive or both. I have energy right now. But I am practicing self-care. And I know what happens when my energy starts to zoom up...sure to crash hard. Yuck. Everything would be great if I could stay in that manic mode for longer periods (except sleep).

 

[Hope4Now]

I forgot to put down mudlarking!!! I can do this. I love mudlarking. And there is the most exquisitely perfect place to do it right here where I live. I can't believe I forgot about this! The last time I went (around 6 years ago), I found totally cool stuff. But I tried to carry too much of it and I dropped it and most of it shattered. But I still have a really cool 18th century bottle.