Trans*?

[Upod]

I think it is better to work through some of your issues before making any drastic changes or "discoveries". Counseling is a good start. Just because you are a girl doesn't mean you are or have to be physically weak. My niece is a woman fighter and very physically fit. I'm pretty sure she could kick some major butts, male or female, if she had to. She is not a girly girl, nor has she ever really been one. She still has girl parts, she gets along better with guys, but likes them(though, sometimes they really seem to get on her nerves, though that is another subject). No one is stopping you from being strong.

There are definitely lesbian relationships where one is deemed the more manly of the two. It doesn't have to, nor does it always, have to be two really feminine types to have that type of relationship.

That being said, if, after going through all the counseling and such, you still feel the same way then I support you in your decision to change, if it is feasible. Just one thing to think of, becoming a man is not going to make you stronger per se then what you already are.

 

[Hozezu]

Okay this thread is really really old, but it's the OP here. I've pretty much completely tried to ignore this gnawing feeling inside me for what...8, 9 months. But it won't go away. In reply to the last poster- I'm sorry if I came across as sounding like this is purely a 'fitness' thing. It's not, I'm in pretty good shape, do a lot of cycling and yeah, I could probably kick someone's ass if I had to as well. But it's the sinking feeling when you put a bra on in the morning, not getting undressed to shower until the steam has clouded up the mirror because my initial reaction is 'eww, what are those things doing on my chest?!'

I've been in therapy consistently for a fairly long time and have got to the point where most of my traumas have been at the very least acknowledged, even if I've been too scared so far to 'process' fully. Yet this feeling perseveres. I know that if I had been born a little boy, I would still have been helpless against the abuse of adults around me. I know that I would still be equally 'messed up', perhaps even more so if I had still been sexually abused even as a male. I have no way of knowing the answer to that, I just know that my biological parents and the other person(s) involved are cruel and malicious enough to have hurt me regardless of what's between my legs.

I thought for a long while that this drive within me was a reaction to the abuse; 'if I'd been stronger', 'if I'd been one of the lads', 'I could've fought back', 'maybe I wouldn't have been wrong all the time or need punishing so much' etc. I know damn well it wouldn't have made much, if any difference. They were bigger than me, in a position of power and control over me and I was just a child.

The feeling of not being strong enough I've come to feel as a nagging frustration that I can't do what I think I should be able to do. That I don't 'fit' anywhere, including into clothes. The funny thing is I don't come across as being 'butch', it's different, beyond that. I've always cringed at the thought of people thinking I'm 'butch'!

*sigh* I don't know what to do, what to think. Whether to just bury the feelings again as best as I can because it seems impossible to do anything about. Especially when I've only just gained a family that really loves me and respects me, I have a girlfriend and basically, I don't want to rock the boat. I've got enough baggage from my past for everyone to deal with- I can't lose another family because I'm some sort of alien. :(

 

[Lutij]

hi -

I feel like I could have written all of your entries (including being fit and cycling a lot, lol!). And ESPECIALLY the thoughts about attributing the "cause" of my abuse to my femaleness.

I've found a lot of comfort in identifying as genderqueer (to CLOSE friends who can handle that), and asking people who know me well to use neutral pronouns. I've dated and been close to people who have transitioned all the way, but I don't feel the draw strongly enough to want to make that decision right now.

I just want to hang out with you and talk talk talk because I really, really deeply get what you are talking about.

I would like to assure you that you aren't an alien. And you may not lose family just from talking about your feelings. Burying them is maybe a bit unsustainable in the long term, but acknowledging them and letting them be real for you, in any place in your life you can let that be, is would I would encourage you to consider. That doesn't mean sharing them with everyone, but just letting them be real for you wherever you can, even if that is just a therapist's office. Or even just here.

Please write back any time. I would love to keep talking with you about this if you want.

 

[Cebi]

OP here again. It's been such a long time since I have posted on this because well, I have been trying my hardest to ignore it and I have failed. I talked about it for the first (maybe second?) time with my therapist today. In the meantime from this last post it has become clear I have DID and that has 'explained' it for me. But I don't think it does, not fully. Not even close to fully.

I feel bad for the last poster for not replying but it hurt too much to even think about it. But here I am, feeling extremely dysphoric again and wanting to self harm against my sex-defining parts. But maybe it's the dissociation? Maybe it's the trauma? And if it isn't, well, that is just as frightening because I don't know how to come out to people (I'm out as non-binary to university friends). I am trying to have this conversation with my family but I may as well be talking to a wall and I don't want to be blunt about talking about my genitals and wanting rid of them and my perceived gender role but I am so frustrated and trapped.

 

[Zakis]

Cebi, have you talked with a therapist, about this? They might have suggestions, for possible ways to break the news, to your family. One way, you might want to explore, is to write a letter expressing your need to be "non-binary", to family. I know, from first hand experience, how hard it can be.

 

[Gojol]

Hi, op here again. I have talked about it twice with my therapist, the second time being yesterday. She's a trauma therapist not a gender one and well, it could have gone better. She didn't dismiss it, she just wondered if I will assimilate into my female body as I heal mentally from the abuse. I said how I think it's more than that, how the better I've got the more strongly I feel like this. Which I guess is due to having more space and less trauma stuff clouding my mind all the time.

Then, she rather bluntly said "do you want a sex change then?" Erm...well, I don't know. The wording of it made me uncomfortable but I'm unsure if that's the negative connotations of the term or not. Do I want top surgery? Yes. Do I want bottom surgery (as it's known in the trans community)? I am less certain.

I don't know, people I have discussed this briefly with, including my therapist seem to think that it will go away when I have dealt with the ptsd more. But I think it's a separate issue.

I'm not binding today because my ribs and sternum were a bit sore and I feel disgusting. I don't think I 'pass' today.

I'm terrified of trying to explain this to close family, I've tried to a little bit but only to one family member and I don't think she really understands. As for other people, I'm terrified of the reaction.

I was talking to a trans guy friend of mine who said "do the whole career-choice question but relating to yourself and your body: how do you see yourself 5 years from now?" And I thought 'without these boobs, feeling confident and more like myself.' And then he said "and if you don't have top surgery by then or on the cards at that point?" Honestly, my first thought was 'God no, I think I'd die...I couldn't cope...'

 

[Adal]

Op, you can have top surgery and not have bottom surgery, at all. No one can decide, what feels right to you, body-wise.

For me, healing from PTSD and transitioning, are interlinked. So by dealing with one, I am working on myself, in other areas that I need to heal.

 

[Cevod]

OP here. I still haven't come out, but I still feel the same. This is killing me. I need to do something about it.

 

[Uvewu]

@ OP...DID here ( plural inside ) and...what the kiddos call " genderqueer". Or...I identify as androgynous. Third gender? Or maybe I just have beard and bicep envy.
Don't think I'm going to do testosterone...I don't think. Though we're...still trying to sort ourselves out in our head here.

Hating the chest growths with a passion seems to be a constant for you. Just observing. Better work on a way to finance top surgery.

My ex had her bottom surgery via credit card...eventually had to declare bankruptcy. But she said it was worth it. I totally believe it.

 

[Vebo]

DID here ( plural inside )

OP here. Yes I am DID too and that is what has been putting me off seeking gender therapy etc. Fear that it was/is just a dissociation thing or whatever. IT isn't going away though.

Where I am, you can't just go and get surgery without being seen by a gender therapist and having your gender identity "diagnosed".

 

[Ulifar]

May I ask why you hate your breasts? Personally I hated mine for many years growing up, I still did until last year. I was reading women's bodies women's wisdom and there is a section about breasts and how to learn to love them. I tried what it said (it suggested massaging them, I had never done that before) and actually began to really like having them, purely because of the lovely sensations. The same goes for "down there", I always hated it but have started to learn to like it for the same reasons as the breasts. I know this probably isn't helpful. I just wondered if maybe in time (many years? Of D.I.D therapy?) you might be able to like what you have? When I read one of your earlier posts you said you'd rather be able to protect a girlfriend /wife, have you thought about, is that in any way a sort of transference to deal with the traumas you experienced (i.e. A way of feeling like you're taking back the control from your abuser)? I don't want in any way to hurt or offend you, so I am sorry if I have. It's a difficult topic to discuss and I have no intentions of upsetting you.

 

[Cucele]

Hmm, OP here. I don't feel offended as such, I just don't think you've understood what I'm saying. I don't hate my breasts as such, I just don't feel like they should be there, on me, on a guy. I've er, had enjoyable sex and foreplay with them has happened. Which has been very odd to say the least but yes there were physical sensations that were good, just...wrong somehow and it's not something you can describe easily. Erm, maybe that's too much info but I'm trying to be honest and open. Personally I think they are lovely boobs, they are aesthetically rather nice. On a woman. Do you see what I'm saying? I can't learn to love them, because they are not supposed to be there. I get up and shower and look down and go "oh..well shit...why are these things still here?!" It's not learning to like what you have, it isn't learning to like a pc when you wanted a mac...it's like running mac software, ios whatever on a pc. It's incompatible.

I am less dysphoric about downstairs and it's not a sexual dysphoria. I have freak-outs that are trauma related during sex (which is getting better), need to stop or whatever, like many here who's ptsd trauma has a sexual cause, whether fully or partly. But I can still enjoy it and er...yeah I can get myself off. (I was about to say "have a w*nk" but that's well...yeah what people with a penis call it so maybe that would be weird but that's how I think of it in my own head). Mainly I just get frustrated that I need to use something to be able to p*ss. Or I have to consciously think to myself "oh right yeah, gotta go sit down on that loo". Like, even before I was abused I didn't really understand why I couldn't just find a tree and discretely go, why did I have to go squat somewhere or run home and then come back to continue playing with my friends? It struck me as strange and not right, whereas I think the other girls were more just...right I'm off to the toilet, brb. And they thought that the boys just 'going' anywhere was rather gross. It didn't make them confused or jealous or frustrated with themselves like it did/does with me.

The protection thing. I'm not sure I made how I feel about that clear, given your post. I do not need to protect her from danger in a I must keep her away from bad people sense (although, everyone feels that about loved ones, don't they?)...rather it is I want to protect her from all the difficulties in the world. I want to make sure she feels safe and secure and happy. And I want to be the person she turns to when she's feeling upset. ALL of these things are possible and happen in healthy same-sex relationships, just as much as they happen in straight ones. The gender roles thing is outdated anyway, but it's more this sort of...it's deeper than words can say really. I said before and I'm not sure how else to say it...all of those things are possible right now, but not for me. Not like this. I am a future hubby to someone and I want to be a father. I can't explain it any further than that.

The abuser thing...I can see your point on that one and I have spent months and months trying to figure this out. Truthfully, yes there is an element of that, as I said in earlier posts. I put this stuff down to wanting to be stronger, wanting to be able to fight back, wanting to be able to prevent harm. But it's not 'only' that. My mother was my abuser, and she abused my father so I know how strong women can be, I know how strong, physically I can be without testosterone. Taking T won't make me more able to protect anyone, including myself from an abuser, unless I have the mental strength to do so. And by that I mean, the ability to put in boundaries with people, knowing when to walk away and not get emotionally hurt. But it also means physical defence. I am a blue belt in karate but had to give it up due to injury. I would do more physical damage after taking testosterone, but I am just as capable now to control a situation as I would be on testosterone. Ability to protect and be protective is a state of mind, it's not just from a stance of "how physically imposing can I be", thats not it at all. However, what I mean by being able to protect, is, basically, the gender role and expectation. Not cis white male privilege,(as in, I'm not saying I "can't" as a female), rather the ability to be the person that others turn to and for my outward gender to reflect that inside attitude.

I don't want to cause offence, it is hard not to sound like I just want the cis white male strength in society free pass. I don't. Or at least, I don't think any straight white man should have priviledge like that within society at all. But I want to be the husband, the father, the older brother and all of the things that those words mean to people.

Anyway, thank you for making me think and explain. It's solidified what I thought actually.