Sufferer This Is Me... Fighting For Control

[Angelyss]

I don't even know where to start. I can't keep living like this. The panic, the hurt, the fear. I can try to describe what happened and how I am feeling, but what I can't explain is how it gets in my head when I'm like that. But here I am, getting ahead of myself.

I lived in a severely abusive environment with my ex-husband for four very long years. It finally ended with the murder of my 14 month old son and attempted murder of myself. I thought I would find peace once I got justice, but that didn't end up being the case. I relived those years and that night over and over and over in my head until it drove me to attempt suicide... not once or twice, but many times.

It's now been 3 1/2 years since that night. Most of the time I can control my symptoms, at least from the outside. But, I live with that fear every day. Sometimes in small ways, sometimes in big ways. I can't look anyone in the eye, can barely bring myself to speak at all. I seek counseling, but I can't even talk to my counselor, so what's even the point. I have tried medication, I have tried therapy, I have been hospitalized... nothing helps. Just typing this thread has taken every ounce of courage I have. I sat here over an hour staring at the blank screen and wondering what to call it, how to express my feelings, what others would think, and a hundred other questions most people wouldn't even consider. I don't know what to do.

Last night I had my first date since that night. It was going great until he reached out to touch me. Then, I completely freaked out. Truthfully, I am still in panic mode this morning. I can't do this, I can't form relationships with other people at all, much less healthy ones. I think I am destined to be alone forever, and maybe that's for the best. If I am alone, no one can hurt me.

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the forums :)

I can't do this, I can't form relationships with other people at all, much less healthy ones. I think I am destined to be alone forever,

As much as survival-mode demands that now-is-forever (the ultimate living in the moment... Hell, I quit planning 2 minutes ahead years ago)... Now isn't forever. Unless we get crushed by an asteroid or something, we might even see 4 minutes into the future. No guarantee, mind, but the possibility does exist.

Assuming the premise that you might not be able to form relationships with people right now? Doesn't mean that in a year, or 5 years, or 25 years... That will still be true. Forever is a very long time, barring asteroids.

Also, it may or may not be comforting to know that when I left my own husband I did a bit of research. Come to find the average length of time between a DV divorce & starting a healthy relationship for most women is 5 years. Assuming it took you the standard year to divorce? You've still 2.5 years of time to work on yourself before needing to worry about others. I know. That's a helluva lot of 2 minutes.

Again, welcome to the community! Sorry you're here, but glad you found us.

 

[intothelight]

@Angelyss Welcome to the forum!

I am sorry for your loss and one thing that we tend to forget about PTSD, it is a normal reaction to a very abnormal situation. No one should have to go through what you experienced, and then suffer the aftermath, but there is hope in that healing is possible.

The aftermath of domestic violence is there is a feeling that no where is safe, and the fear does cripple the recovery process. Have you worked with a therapist that focuses on domestic violence? I found that my own initial counseling sessions worked well in the locked down shelter where no one could enter. At least it felt "safer" and then later a therapist who would walk outside on nature trails as being in a room with only one exit didn't work for me.

There is also the issue of trust and it takes time to build trust with a person after being in a relationship where the person who you were most intimate with violates you in ways that are beyond horrible. Take the time to shop and find the therapist you can connect with and then let the trust build. Over time you will find yourself being able to open up and to process some of the things.

There is a great thread here on cognitive distortions and one of those is the "always" and "never" as life is really not made of absolutes. Focus on healing yourself before you try to enter a new relationship. As you heal, relationships will become easier and healthier. The road to recovery is a lot of baby steps, but as you find the fear lessening, then you will see the forward progress.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

It is a long road. And the disease is always in your face every single day of your life, 24/7. I feel the same way, that if I am alone, I cannot be hurt. But, isolation and the resulting loneliness is a pain all unto itself..

 

[Milo's papa]

Welcome aboard Angelyss, it sounds like you have a long road ahead of you. Just try to remember that the more people sharing a load along the way the easier it is for everyone. I'll be happy to share some of that load with you.