Person With Complex Ptsd In Need Of Advice....

[alienamongus]

Hi there, I was wondering if there is anyone out there who can help me with some advice...but sorry in advance for the long message....

I am a 32 yo male. I have been diagnosed with CPTSD which I have been struggling with since my early childhood. Although I consider myself caring, compassionate, successful academically and professionally, I consider myself a complete failure in interacting with people...especially girls.

This is what it is like to live: It is like living in "replay" mode over and over again. I have extreme difficulty handling emotions or feelings. I despise crowded social settings and loud noises. I struggle with extreme depressive episodes that are often unpredictable. Sleeping is always difficult. I can't seem to turn off my brain and if I sleep I dream. Handling of triggers is also very difficult. It could be anything from being threatened or being demeaned or talked down to, even if it was just by a joke. I almost lost two jobs because of my triggers. My tongue gets tied, hands shaking, heart racing, I am hyperventilating and unable to speak. The person in front of me looks at me like I am a weird crazy person. I have NEVER EVER taken out my anger on anyone. In fact I always take it out on myself. I feel I am dirt, worthless and unworthy. I punish myself by cutting, self mutilation, self starvation, self rape and drinking my own urine. I have found that the only way to avoid triggers is to avoid people completely. I never get too close with people. They often judge because they don't understand what it's like. This has left me rather completely alone.

Relationships have been a constant struggle of mine for as long as I can remember. I only started pursuing a girl when I was 24. Just the thought of being loved or someone being interested in me was unimaginable. At 25 I had my first girlfriend but that only lasted 3 months. She dumped me because she thought I was too distant. Fast forward a coupled of years, at 27 I had my second girlfriend but that also only lasted 3 months. She was extremely controlling and self-centered. Fast forward again, about two years ago, I met a girl who claimed she loved me. I didn't tell her about my CPTSD since she had her own issues to deal with (she had an eating disorder). I was extremely supportive of her despite all her issues and used to go with her to group therapy every week. I loved her dearly and treated her very well. For a short while, I was surprised that a piece of dirt like myself can be loved by someone. A thought unimaginable at the time. I was planning to buy a house she chose and making marriage plans. Unfortunately I found out she's been cheating on me with her ex who was an alcoholic abusive person who treated her like garbage. This sent me many steps backwards. It was a HUGE trigger for me. It re-affirmed my thoughts of worthlessness. How could I be so naive to think that a worm deserves to be loved. After that, I stopped all my attempts to date or meet people.

The problem now is that I am in constant internal struggle between needing to be alone to avoid triggers and the need to hug, touch and be close to someone. This brings me to my question. Is it possible for someone like me to be in a long term relationship? Is it possible to be loved by someone? And if I started dating should I tell the person about my CPTSD? If so, when should I say that ? I can't imagine anyone wanting to see me after telling them and can't even comprehend why would any girl in the world would want to take on someone like me...

Any advise would be greatly appreciated and thank you for reading my lengthy post...

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hi there -

I have complex PTSD as well (self diagnosed) I have been diagnosed with regular (if there is such a word) PTSD.

I totally understand how the abuse in our past can make us feel unworthy - For the longest time, I had the intense desire to have the word MISFIT tattooed on my fingers.

What has helped me is realizing that misfit, alien, unloved, a piece of dirt are all labels I am giving myself. I label myself those things and then immediately begin to believe they are true - that I am inherently a misfit or alien or unlovable -

But when I actually look for those things within me (where my heart is) I can not inherently find any of those negative labels. I am not inherently bad or worthless or unlovable.

Because if I was inherently bad or unlovable then it would be impossible for a person to even love me for a minute - but you know that is not true - people have loved you.

What has happened is that I have had situations in my life that have caused me to feel certain ways about myself - but those situations of hurt and abuse - they are not inherently existent either -

Because if they were there would not be one second where I could be happy or consider that I might be a good person - but I have had seconds of happiness and feeling like I have the potential not to be worthless.

Yes, they happened and they hurt - no doubt - but they are in the past - why am I now hanging onto them is if they are inherently real?

Labels are not inherently real - we can see past them and realize that moment to moment we can create a better me - and yes, things will go up and down - nothing is ever going to be perfect but nothing has the power to keep us locked in a cell of suffering except our own decision to be locked in that cell.

What worked for me also was to make a list of the potential good parts of me - even if I could not fully recognize them every moment - and then I would work on those and own them - these are my good parts - and no one can take them away by any negative action they do or any label they or I put on myself.

I allowed myself to recognize my potential for being a good person who can beloved and I believed it to be true and eventually it became so - Am I inherently a good person - no - I will still make mistakes and do stupid things, but I can learn to let go of the things holding me back

I think perhaps we don't want to tell others that we have PTSD because we don't know how we feel about it or we think it is bad or something to be ashamed of - and once we can start looking at that label "PTSD sufferer" as just that - a label - we can get out from under the negative things that hold us back and have no problem telling people that we have this condition and what it means - and if they can accept us, fine - if not, fine.

Sorry for the long response - Blessings on you

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the forums :)

Are you in treatment for PTSD? Have gone through treatment &/or have symptoms down to manageable levels?

 

[alienamongus]

Hi there -

I have complex PTSD as well (self diagnosed) I have been diagnosed with regular (i...

Thank you kindly for your reply. I can see you are much further ahead in recovery than I am.

I find what you said to be truely inspiring !!!

You said that what worked for you was to make a list of the potential parts of yourself. The problem is that I am not sure what good is that if people often perceive me negatively because they don't understand. For example, when I ask people I worked with in the past what was their impression of me, some say they thought I was very shy and quiet. While others said (behind my back of course) that I was a angry miserable bastard. I had to work with people who were sadistic and I swear they enjoyed pushing my buttons intentionally to get a rise out of me. People with CPTSD especially males are often viewed as people with bad temper, angry, unpredictable and flip in almost an instant. I try my absolute best to avoid conflict and put on a fake smile but then I take it out on myself later on...

I am not sure being good/bad is related to being loved/unloved. Just ask my ex who was cheating on me with an alcoholic. Or the millions of people who love someone who hurts them on a daily basis. In fact, I think the opposite, the abuser tends to have it all...power, love, success, money, career. While the abused is cursed to live the rest of his/her life trying to cope and lick his wounds. I personally don't view myself as bad but rather as filth, dirt, a worm.

The problem with telling others about my CPTSD regardless if they accept us or not is that the rejection in itself is a trigger as it reaffirms my feelings of worthlessness. I am unable to deal with rejection, or negative feelings and emotions caused by people without resorting to self-punishment.

 

[alienamongus]

Welcome to the forums :)

Are you in treatment for PTSD? Have gone through treatment &/or have sympt...

Hi there, yes I have seen a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with CPTSD but wasn't accepting any patients. She prescribed some medication which I have been taking for about a year now. It does help somewhat. Unfortunately, the city I live in doesn't have much resources for CPTSD especially for males.... I tried to go to other psychiatrists and psychologists but none was accepting male patients with CPTSD and just referred me to a couple of websites. I stumbled upon this forum today and very glad to know I am not alone :-)

 

[Glara]

I'm in love with someone who suffers from cptsd. He's said things like that to me about himself. He said he fails at everything and that he knows I wouldnt want to be with a basket case. I told him that's not how I see him. He was very suicidal and I know he wasn't taking care of himself for a while. He signed himself out of a psych hospital after a week, he was supposed stay for 6. I don't know if he harms himself. I haven't seen any evidence, but I'm long distance. He broke it off back in March but he still keeps in touch. He had a biopsy almost 4 weeks ago and was supposed to let me know the results, but he hasn't. I haven't texted him because I feel that he shut me out for whatever his reasons are. I'm also having health problems and he is aware. Maybe he's just overwhelmed.

At some point I have to let go. I can't have a relationship with someone he broke up with me and doesn't keep in touch. But I can assure you I found him lovable. He's very overweight and thought I wouldn't find him attractive, but I do. His problems aren't what's making me leave, he is.

 

[tinylove]

Hi! :) of course it's possible for someone to fall in love with you. I'm in love with someone who suffers from PTSD.... This is new for me... I love him, but I don't know to do.

I didn't understand why he changed his behavior about me. Until one day he told me he has PTSD. Since then I'm learning about this. I want to help him because I love him sincerely . You can find just someone who really loves you and help you. I think it is important to talk about it, because a good partner, with a lot of understanding and love , you can make your life more bearable .

Now , he doesn't want me to be close, just through messages. I am very worried about him. I want to help him, give him my love ... but it is very difficult. :(

 

[Yunie]

Hi there, I was wondering if there is anyone out there who can help me with some advice...but sorry...

I'm 29 years old and fell madly in love with a man 15 years older than I am (who suffers from PTSD). He has, just recently isolated himself from me. I'm not sure if he'll be able to love anyone completely because he is in denial of his problem...you, however, know that you have this going on in your life. You can tell someone you love, that you need space...what's going on in your head etc. I've had my fair share of terrible relationships/one divorce but none of them were honest about their problems. I can't relate to your PTSD, but I do have insanely low self esteem (where I don't think I deserve/will ever find love again). There is like little spark of hope, however, and I think you have it too, you just have to let it grow. You seem like a genuinely nice person. I hope the best for you.

 

[Milo's papa]

Hey man, I'm coming at this from the other side. When my wife first broke, (that's what we call her C-PTSD) there was no way I could convince her that I still loved her as much as before. She could not/would not except that anyone could love someone as damaged as her. She never knew love growing up, and was always told how horrible a person she was. She felt unworthy of love, unworthy of respect, unworthy of life itself.
Over the next 4 years therapy she finally started to except the fact that she isn't a horrible person and that she could indeed be loved. Now after 7 years of intensive therapy she knows that she is a person well worth loving, and loving others in return.
I think the first thing you need to do is learn to wake up every day and say that today I am worthy of loving myself. Once you learn that, I think you will have far fewer problems with the rest of your negative self image.
Remember, the face we put on for ourselves, is the face the rest of the sees.

 

[Changing4Best]

I have CPTSD also but I was not diagnosed until I was in my late 40s. I met my husband when I was in my early 20s. He was a short man, 5 foot 2 inches in height. I did not feel threatened by him and maybe his short height helped me in that area. Anyway, we were married for 23 years until his death. By that time I had been diagnosed and was being treated. About a year after his death, I met another man who just happened to be 5 foot 2 inches in height! I fell in love with him slowly, and he kept smiling at me. Finally he invited me out to a movie. We had a nice relationship and were talking about marriage when he died of a heart attack. I have not gone out with anyone since, although a man recently made a pass at me and I was thinking of dating him. However, I have not seen him in awhile, so I don't know what will happen.

My advice to you is to let your value and or lovableness be determined by the woman you date. I would divulge the fact of your CPTSD after you have been with the woman for awhile, but before you discuss marriage with her. Explain in detail what happens to you when you get triggered if it has not yet already happened to you while you have been in her presence. If she has gotten as far as loving you, she should understand. Give her some time after you explain this, before you discuss marriage with her. If she remains in a good relationship with you, at that point it could be that the two of you will be Okay together. So at that point, you could discuss marriage.

My husband treated me with a lot of tenderness and he was gentle with me. I believe he may have had some idea about my being a little unstable or mentally unsound. Nevertheless, he stayed with me and was good to me.

 

[Emmie420]

Hi there, I was wondering if there is anyone out there who can help me with some advice...but sorry...

Hey Alien, I just want to say how much my heart goes out to you. I really relate to your post. It is totally possible to be in a long term relationship but it has to be the right person, someone who is patient and understanding and that isn't always easy to find. I have PTSD and I'm on a waiting list for treatment for it, I find it helps to be open and honest with my partner about it which isn't easy because it leaves you feeling vulnerable and afraid they'll just think your crazy and be put off but he is very understanding. I feel like he deserves way better. PTSD makes dating really difficult at times, sometimes its best to focus on healing.

 

[Footsie1980]

Hi, I was diagnosed with PTSD and my ex husband had CPTSD, as you can imagine, that was pretty hard at times. I initiated the divorce from him and it was because after 5 years, he still wouldnt tell me he had ANY issues, but his doctors told me and I could tell. Because he never opened up and was honest with me, he never had the help, support or love that he needed.

The only advice I can give you is, be upfront and honest and let your next girlfriend support you. Without doing that, you are setting yourself up for failure.

The worthless feeling, I struggle with that myself, so I dont have much advice there. Good luck, I really do hope that you give it another shot.