People Asking Me About Triggers

[Smile]

I'm living with family now and am trying to be more communicative about my triggers.

But when I ask someone to stop talking about whatever the topic may be they always seem to ask me why it bothers me. I don't usually know why and it usually raises my anxiety when I try explaining.

Looking for opinions as to whether I should push myself to explain, if this Isna healthy thing or whether I should listen to my body and just not answer.

Hope I was clear enough...
Thanks :) and hope your all doing well

 

[Friday]

I don't ask people to stop talking about something* ... I either change the subject, step out for a cigarette/ bathroom break/ phone thing, or push past the anxiety to talk about what they're talking about. For direct queries? I simply say that's not something I can talk about right now.

It's on me to manage my own triggers.

I also don't want people walking on eggshells around me. So just as I expect the kindness of being respected when I don't want to talk about something (whether it's by removing myself from the convo for a spell, or not participating in other ways), I like to show them the same respect by not attempting to censor what they say. Give-give.

In general, any topic is fair game / ask me anything, I simply reserve the right not to answer. Mutual respect.

* The extremely few exceptions to this rule are über blatant -to me, my friends/family don't know about my PTSD- as to why I not only don't want to talk about it, but will raise my voice if that's not heeded, right before I take somewhat more direct measures.

 

[Chava]

I come from the super-avoidant perspective, which has it's benefits but not always helpful. Anyway, I have no problem sneaking away from a conversation in a way that is barely noticeable. Once in a while I have to fake go get something or do something I forgot about. But usually I can tune out a bit and if it the conversation doesn't change course, I can leave. I don't explain myself well even to my therapist, so family? No.

 

[ghotiff]

Is your family comfortable with this boundary. I think everyone has topics that upset them, not in terms of triggers, but things we don't want mentioned and everyone in my family (husband and kids) respects this.

If topics have themes that can be explained, I would explain but not during the trigger.

 

[Smile]

Thanks guys. I guess my question is more about what's the healthier approach? Avoidance or answer. But I guess that's a personal decision I have to make?

 

[Kefira]

I have laid out broad topics that aren't acceptable to me as guidelines in the past for my friend group. The difference for me was within my home, what I say goes. In my home there are certain things like rape jokes, disparagement of other groups, particularly mean spirited gossip, etc that will get you a warning and then you will be asked to leave. In other places? I just tell people that certain things upset me and it would be kind of them if they would make an effort to consider that.

I do it mostly because I wouldn't want to make those I'm close to uncomfortable unknowingly if there was something simple I could change to prevent it. But I figure if they don't know my history then while they may be close enough to warrant the helpful hint about being around me, maybe they aren't close enough yet to really have an answer. Partly because the answers are sometimes their own can of worms.

Ultimately if it's not in my home and it's upsetting me enough it's my responsibility to temporarily excuse myself. Sometimes that fixes it anyway over time. I take it on a case by case, but perhaps if you can just have a talk with them knowing exactly how far across that line you want to go. Past that questions are honestly fairly rude and I treat them as such. And "it just upsets me and so I'd rather not explain" is always a valid answer in my book.

 

[Ronin]

People without PTSD / similar conditions that have triggers, assume things are about being 'bothered'.

No, they're not, they're about lot more goddamn awful complex reactions.

They get the basic premise wrong; explaining things and triggering yourself in the process may not be worth it.

In every case, nobody's entitled to an answer, as your history & reactions are personal.

As to what's better for you? Depends. I don't think there's a rule of thumb for this.

 

[Ocean5]

I should listen to my body and just not answer.

In my opinion unless it will help you, or helps them to help you. Listen to your body. Also depends if you can handle at the time. I've told relatives I can't handle talking about "subject x" right now. Please don't bring up.

I agree case by case...situation by situation. Family...I've simply said there are some things I can't talk about for now. Please respect that.

The other day I was trying to explain something to my younger brother to make him understand a trigger he keeps bringing up (a parent.) Something I didn't want to talk about, but he needed to understand how if affected me. I ended up telling him there are things you don't know, and you don't want to know, about our youth. He agreed he didn't want to know, and respected my wishes.

 

[Smile]

People without PTSD / similar conditions that have triggers, assume things are about being 'bothered'.

No...

You hit the crux of it all! They just can't grasp what a "trigger" really is and the domino effect that occurs after. Thank you for that.

I'm living with my mom now (hope to god for short term) and she just keeps telling over these horrifying stories and in her mind it's ok because "it's the news".

It's gotten to the point where she literally ignores my request to stop (she's a natural storyteller and needs to get the whole story out) even when I say it's upsetting me.

So yeh, Im going to have to revert to my childhood escape routes... Running into a different room, closing ears, whatever works

 

[Ocean5]

They just can't grasp what a "trigger" really is and the domino effect...

Domino effect! Great way to describe it! Thanks

keeps telling over these horrifying stories

@Smile I feel for you. If ok accept a *hug*

I live far from a parent (thank god), and tried to give another chance. He would tell me stories, and such horrible things on phone. Left me in "shock" - right before bed. I could just listen...couldn't speak. Like a deer in headlights. This was all during family crisis (one after another.)

He called next morning, I flipped - told him off in a store parking lot. I'm a quiet person so this is very unlike me. But he wasn't going to re-subject me to my youth.

I hope your living situation is very temporary! I know what it's like to go through hard times, then having to deal with such a parent....

News..I use to be an International News & Relations junkie. Past year it makes ptsd so much worse. I won't mention any of the stories here (that could trigger some)...but past year I've had to jump for remote to turn the TV off so quickly to cut out some news stories, and images.... I work online - "use" to be background noise. Now even business channels show & report such disturbing things.

Some other escapes...soft foam ear plugs, or earbuds for music/podcast (noise canceling or isolation type - how I wish I had those as a youth!)

 

[Smile]

@Ocean5 , thank you for your empathy & I'm so sorry you had to go through that :(

 

[Ronin]

@Smile, re: Mom - well, you could pick things that make her feel awful, and tell her about those.

And ignore requests to stop, with 'but that was a long time ago, Mom'. Not guaranteeing the point would be delivered, and not knowing you two's relationship, I can't also recommend it as an approach... but just saying, it's something that could be done. You can change the conversation topic, and who says the one who has to listen is just you? :sneaky: