In Case I Lose It..

[Emmie420]

I've decided I'm going to start documenting the days when things are really bad, just in case I lose my mind completely...

Saturday 19th September
Things are bothering me today. I keep having intrusive thoughts. I was watching Bad Girls Club, thats what triggered me. Watching bullying really bothers me. I thought of them bullying me again. Laughing at me and making me feel like nothing. I often think about killing them. Its always with a knife or brick. It frustrates me that I don’t stick up for myself, I guess i see hurting them as a way of sticking up for myself.

 

[N1982]

I've decided I'm going to start documenting the days when things are really bad, just in case I lose my...

i cant help myself but im sending you hugs hang in there plz

 

[Changing4Best]

When I was in 6th grade all the boys in my class bullied me mercilessly. It was awful and as the year progressed, it only got worse. Finally when the year was over and summer had started, one of the boys laced into me with insults and the usual, we were off of school property. I beat the living daylights out of him. He went around telling everyone that he had fallen off a roof or some such BS. However, I am quite certain that one of the other boys must have seen it all, because they all stopped bothering me after that. No matter what was said, the worst was over then. None of them ever bothered me again after that.

 

[Emmie420]

i cant help myself but im sending you hugs hang in there plz

*Hugs back* I will dont worry its just been one of those days..

 

[Emmie420]

When I was in 6th grade all the boys in my class bullied me mercilessly. It was awful and as the yea...

Good on you! Thats one of my biggest regrets, not fighting back.

 

[N1982]

*Hugs back* I will dont worry its just been one of those days..

i get it

 

[Emmie420]

Yesterday was a really difficult day. I have recently finished my course and I've been job searching and going to interviews and I keep getting regected which a normal part of life and everyone needs to be able to handle it. I'm usually someone who likes to stay positive and upbeat but Yesterday was the day where everything hit me at once. The constant regections, the fact that I have been going to the gym regularly and still putting on weight and the fact that I may have to even consider being a prostitute again made me have a massive panic attack. I have not had one of those for a while. I had urges to harm myself again and I just sat there staring at my wrist wondering if I should slice it open and In my head I was screaming "don't you dare, you have come this far and now your giving up!?". I had a flashing thought of my boyfriend coming home and seeing me dead on the floor and I just lost it. I couldn't breathe no matter how much I tried, uncontrollable crying, shaking and a tingling sensation. I managed to calm myself down eventually but It was not a nice experience.

Today I got a message from an employer that I had an interview with after I asked for feedback on why I was unsuccessful. He said this: "However it was clear that you were very nervous and quite shy. Our developers spend much if their time moving between different onsite clients. We had other candidates who we felt may perform better in this environment." This has made me feel a bit down, I really messed up my chances, not only did my social anxiety show but I was also late for the interveiw. I really f*cked up. As a graduate I feel lost. I don't know whats going to happen in the future. I feel like I'm in Limbo. I also feel like I'm unemployable. Who wants to hire someone with social anxiety? Nobody.