What Is Recovery Anyway?

[RuthieJujube]

Hi everyone. This question may seem basic, but I am struggling to grasp what it actually means to "recover" from PTSD. I have read in many articles that recovery from PTSD is possible, but I've been in it for so long, I have to admit that I don't even know what that means or what that would feel like.

There are days when I feel good, even great, like I can do anything. On these days, I find myself thinking, "what was the big deal? PTSD isn't so bad!" When I think of my recovery, I think of myself as this women who can do it all. But even on these days, I can't shake the feeling that the next rough patch is lurking. Maybe the next day I won't wake up feeling so strong, or rather, maybe the PTSD will feel much stronger than I am.

How can we trust we are improving when the lows are so very low? Do any of you consider yourself "recovered"? Or are we all doing our best to hold on until the next storm hits?

 

[Friday]

For me, that meant I had ditched all the symptoms I didn't like, and the few that remained I had either put to work, or didn't bother me. I generally quantify it at roughly 92%. Which is like an orgasm of sanity ;)

For about 10 years after my first bad tailspin / trip through the PTSD badlands / rocking the highly symptomatic roller coaster? I had a little bit of insomnia in the fall. Always forgot it was coming. Few weeks into it, still sleeping nightly, just hard to get there... It was like. Oh. Right. This again. Okay. I had a few bad nightmares a year. That's normal, even for normal folk. I had a bad weekend a few times in 10 years. Panic attacks I can't even quantify, because for one they were rare as blazes, and for two, I could shut them down before they started 99:100. The 100th? Well, they were hardly new. Certainly knew how to handle them, no worries. In short? I was in control of my life & happy with it.

The thing that I didn't know, was that my entire life was set up to bleed off stress and manage symptoms... Usually before they started. I had layers and layers and layers of safety nets built into my daily living. Even if I started to slip? One of dozens of things would catch me and pop me right back up to doing just fine, thanks! I just didn't know it.

Even capital T Trauma, critA stressors didn't f*ck with me, most of the time. No need to avoid things that came along with that risk, cause mad coping skills.

Until one did. I couldn't protect someone I loved. And my past slammed into me like a damn freight train. And because my safety-nets weren't set up on purpose? They'd just been gradually built into my life? I crashed through them like a damn rock. I didn't know they were important, so I even helped, cutting them out of my life all ignorant of what they did for me.

So now I'm rebuilding my life on purpose.

Spent the better part of the last year parsing what worked, what didn't, why shit did work, how the hell I can implement that -and fail safes- into my life now.

I can't say for sure that doing this shit on purpose will prevent another trip into the badlands. But I can say, having been bad before and then better, that I know *that* can be done. And I suspect that by building these coping mechanisms in on purpose, instead of by accident, that next time -if there is a next time- I won't be cheerfully cutting away the very supports that keep me up and doing! :)

 

[shimmerz]

Until one did. I couldn't protect someone I loved. And my past slammed into me like a damn freight train.

Yep.

So now I'm rebuilding my life on purpose.

And with mindfulness that I have to watch out for stressors more than most do. I see the signs, I back off and don't torture myself by pushing through. Hard, hard lesson.

 

[Chava]

Do any of you consider yourself "recovered"? Or are we all doing our best to hold on until the next storm hits?

I do not consider myself "recovered". I see it as a process of just becoming "me" (or something wishy-washy like that...I do not have the words). It's a process of lessening the intensity of my life and relaxing and being more present. Also, I have largely lost the feeling of just hanging on. I easily get sucked into survival mode. That is my default. I feel "okay" if I am suffering. But slowly and gradually, I feel "okay" if I am taking care of myself. I'm not having "fun" or treating myself like a princess, of course, but I am taking care of myself...and it feels okay. And that helps ward of the major meltdowns. The meltdowns have decreased in intensity. I don't have to imaging setting myself on fire. I don't have to burn myself with cigarettes. I'm still pretty f*cked up though sometimes. But the self loathing and feeling like I don't belong here but am sneaking by has greatly diminished.

I don't think it's helpful to say we can't recover from PTSD. But I'm not sure it's helpful to say we fully recover either. The trauma changes us. That change, to some extent, can't be totally undone. But the intensity of the responses to triggers, the shame, and the immobilization...all of that can decrease in degrees so we more often feel like we are just participating in life. So "recovery" is possible. Is full recovery or un-doing the trauma possible? No. But "recovery" in terms of living a better life in spite of it....I think this is what we work towards. And for most of us, slow and gradual is better. Respecting the process. It is very hard to regain a sense of safety.

 

[Changing4Best]

Most of the time these days I am symptom free, but I still do have my occasional days in which symptoms do hit me. I am not sure what happened to me these past few days, but "something" hit me broadside and my mind was just not working. I could read, but that was about it. I could comprehend what I read, but it was a rough book to read. None the less, the book had a happy ending for all concerned and so it was worth the read. (THE SAME SKY by Amanda Eyre Ward). There are some very upsetting scenes in the book, but it was worth it to read it anyway. However, I would not recommend it to rape victims. On the other hand, I would recommend it on other fronts, like for immigrants, for instance. The book was written with some knowledge about what it is like to be living in the USA illegally. That is all I can say on this book, without giving away the whole 9 yards of it.

 

[The Albatross]

The Five Stages of Recovery
Recovery doesn’t come easy. Rather, it comes with time and experience, and treatment can provide a person with the tools necessary to finally overcome PTSD. The recovery journey consists of the following five stages:

• Emergency and outcry stage: During this first stage, individuals are likely to feel trapped, helpless and confused. They can quickly become fearful of reliving their traumatic experiences, even if doing so provides them with the opportunity to work through the experience and get better.
• Emotional numbing and denial stage: Individuals are asked to begin processing their trauma, but this stage can serve as a place for avoidance of the problem, as well as dismissive behavior. This stage can become so intense that many people never work through it, often leading to the continuation of their symptoms.
• Intrusive-repetitive stage: During this stage, individuals are likely to experience flashbacks and episodes of intense mood swings, as well as develop uncontrollable and socially unacceptable behavior. The effects of the negative experience that caused the PTSD usually become disruptive enough to impact the person’s everyday life.
  
• Reflective-transition stage: During this stage, individuals are finally able to work through the dark side of their trauma and begin to obtain a solid grasp on what happened to them. They become more closely linked to society, rather than maintaining an oppositional standpoint, develop a more positive attitude and begin to identify with things other than their trauma.
• Integration stage: The integration stage serves as a bookend to full recovery as individuals are not only able to accept what has happened in their past, but also cope with it in a healthy manner. They also experience a major reduction in anxiety and overall fear, as well as find themselves functioning at a normal level in society once again.

During these five stages, individuals suffering from PTSD can go from complete avoidance of the problem to a total recognition of the issues at hand. They can develop the coping skills necessary to aid in their recovery, as well as process their experience in ways that help them understand, handle and work through what has caused their PTSD.

 

[laurainalameda]

I don't know where I am in the stages but my story was more like Friday Jones. I worked a job where being a hypervigilant, over reactive, detail crazed nutcase earned me excellent reviews and saved a few lives. Then my son got sick. He got depressed and tried to die. My whole past came crashing in, memories came out of nowhere, and all the coping skills that I had unknowingly put in place got pulled into the storm of having a sick kid. He needed me home, so there went my outlet for all my ptsd quirks. He got better...and I fell apart. I'm still putting the pieces back together two years later. Now I'm deliberately building my safety nets and coping skills and I hope some day I will go back to work. But one thing at a time.

 

[RuthieJujube]

• Intrusive-repetitive stage: During this stage, individuals are likely to experience flashbacks and episodes of intense mood swings, as well as develop uncontrollable and socially unacceptable behavior. The effects of the negative experience that caused the PTSD usually become disruptive enough to impact the person’s everyday life.

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Thank you for posting this @The Albatross. It makes sense, but it didn't occur to me that there are natural stages to pass through.

It's strange to observe how I have unconsiously followed this patter this year - from outbursts of anger (maybe something like, "please listen to me! i'm not ok!") to fear ("is this me?" "what else is there lurking beneath the surface?") to denial ("PTSD isn't real. I'm better now.")

I highlighted the Intrusive-repetitive stage because I have been feeling this strongly the past month. It's a relief to know this is part of the process, because it has had me so scared. I had a very powerful flashback about a month ago and it's like I'm there all over again. I've been catching myself doing things and wanting to do things that happened after the attack. There is this nagging feeling telling me to self-destruct, but I know that's not an option.

I am working to build coping mechanisms (meditation, yoga, art), but there's that nasty side that feels so comfortable with chaos.

 

[Changing4Best]

When my mind starts to be overpowering with some kind of weirdness, I go and get a book (usually a biography) and read. I find this kind of reading to be so engrossing that I can ignore all the strange things my mind is doing and then I can get on with my life from there. I'm a :bookworm: and so reading is for me like TV or a movie is for others. I get into it so deeply that I can ignore what my mind throws at me. Thank God for books!

 

[RuthieJujube]

When my mind starts to be overpowering with some kind of weirdness, I go and get a book (usually a b...

I love when I can absord my mind in a book. It's so nice to immerse yourself in someone else's story and remind yourself that there is so much going on beyond you and your story. In that sense I find PTSD so egotistical, like "Listen to ME! I'm all that matters!"

My concentration hasn't been so great for books lately, but I'm am making myself focus on one main book at a time and holding myself to actually finishing it. (I have a big library full of partially read books!)

This week I have made myself wake up a little bit earlier before work to do a short meditation. I am really hoping to make this a habit because I think it can help build up my concentration again. Right now there's a lot of noise, so it's nice to recognize it and push it out!