Relationship Riddle Me This - Interaction While Triggered/isolated?

[LoveHimThroughIt]

OK, this is something that I'm trying to come to terms with. I learned in IRL PTSD Support Meetings that the Vet will distance himself the furthest from someone they have intense feelings for because the emotionality stresses them out (on top of the PTSD). I'm visiting my Vet where he lives and he is full on triggered and in isolation/communication blackout (timing sucks).

I am exploring this town on my own and trying to keep the feelings not so intense and I've been asking for help with things like what are the good radio stations to listen to? Any good sports bars where I could watch a game with other human beings (my hotel is BORING and I'm too chicken to go into a strange place by myself without a nudge or a recommendation)?

The support group said it is common for them to be able to interact socially in ways that are not emotionally intense, such as social media (posting, liking posts, etc) or interacting with friends/acquaintances.

I'm wondering what would prevent them from interacting with us (the partner) on non-emotional things? I don't think it should be too hard to email me a list of radio stations, but maybe it is because he is worried that I'll take his reply as "he wants to interact" when he really doesn't? I'm just looking to understand this behavior.

 

[Yunie]

My vet ( during his period of isolation) has only been responding to things that truly have no emotional response and are important (like me asking about the kitten I saved) If I ask something like which video game is the best for rpg. He won't respond. I wish I could help. I am just scared to push anything. My actual text was "I know you don't like this sort of game,but it's been fantastic." I've been trained for something like at least "cool" but I get nothing.

 

[Sighs]

I'm a supporter, not a sufferer, but my take on this is that its not what the interaction is about - its who the interaction is with.

Eg: If I am upset about something and a work colleague asks "How are you?" I'm going to say "fine thanks, how are you?" and they will accept that answer. If my partner (vet with PTSD) says "How are you?" and I say "fine thanks, how are you?" chances are very good that something in my tone will make him go "No, you're not. What's up?" Because he is close enough to me that I can't maintain the facade. I'm guessing it works in a similar way for PTSD sufferers. So ANY interaction with someone who knows their situation is fraught with danger. While interaction with those who really don't know the dark is okay.

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

@Sighs And its all about control and if there is uncertainty about the situation it is a no-go... I'm gathering?

 

[Sighs]

I don't think its about control in the usual sense. It's about fear. A fear that we, who have never actually been "in fear of our lives", can only imagine. Remember that a sufferer of PTSD has suffered at least one event so traumatic that it has changed the way their physical brain works. Have you ever had a near miss car accident and felt that wave of adrenalin wash over you immediately afterwards? Many people with PTSD feel like that ALL THE TIME. So a situation that might make me slightly uncomfortable feels to my vet like he is literally actually going to die. No wonder he avoids situations that make him feel that way!

 

[Sweetpea76]

The support group said it is common for them to be able to interact socially in ways that are not emotionally intense, such as social media (posting, liking posts, etc) or interacting with friends/acquaintances.

I'm going to call BS on this as a "general" statement. Social media... sure, as long as it isn't an actual conversation. Non-romantic relationships, family... they may get a peep out of them... However, a lot of times isolation mode is ISOLATION mode. They don't want to talk to anybody about anything. It is a coping mechanism. Full Stop. I don't think they put much thought into it... I think they are in pure shut down survival mode. It's not that they chose not to talk to somebody, it's that they just plain cannot.

I'm wondering what would prevent them from interacting with us (the partner) on non-emotional things? I don't think it should be too hard to email me a list of radio stations, but maybe it is because he is worried that I'll take his reply as "he wants to interact" when he really doesn't? I'm just looking to understand this behavior.

Isolating is a coping mechanism. They are maxxed out on stressors. Communication is a stressor. Emailing is a lot of work for somebody in this kind of overwhelmed state. The more texts and emails that come, the more stress that he gets.

 

[Justmehere]

I have PTSD and I shut people out from time to time. I do all I can to not do that, and when I do, I try to tell the person, I need a x amount of time of space, and I will contact you by xyz date and time. I try to tell them it's the PTSD, not them...

When I shut people out, it is literally because i have nothing left inside of me to try and connect.

Humans were involved in the trauma. Connecting to humans is now scary. The closer the person is to me, the harder it is to connect. The more they have the ability to hurt me, and the more emotionally intense it is.

The closest analogy that I can think of is when I was going through chemo. There were days when I was surviving through the side effects of the chemo where I had nothing left to reach out and connect with others, or even respond to people reaching out to me. I was hanging on to get through the pain and nausea with all I had, and there was just nothing left.

PTSD is very different than getting through chemo, but it's maybe something that is easier to explain. When PTSD symptoms are high, it's just not possible to have anything left to connect. Some of it is attachment based, and some of it is my stress cup being full and any additional stress just shuts me down further.

Yes, texting a human can be stressful, especially if it is someone I care about. It can be even more stressful if I feel bad about not being able to be there for them. Even if the subject that is being texted is a non-emotional subject, it's not so much about the subject. It's about the emotional connection and closes of the relationship all together.

It's very sweet of you to be reaching out to him and trying to connect in the least hard way possible. I also think it's so wise of you to be making the best of your trip in other ways. It's also ok to tell him you miss him.

When I have shut someone out and they text me, I feel like shit to not be there with them or to not be able to respond more. Even if they don't pressure me to respond, I still feel pressured because I care about them and I feel bad to leave them high and try. It does help when they say, "hey, no pressure, I know you are overwhelmed, just curious if you know of a good ice cream shop. If not, that's ok too" kind of texts. Or inviting me along, and adding that it's "just to have fun, come if you want." They are little phrases that can reduce the emotional intensity for me, and make me less overwhelmed by connecting with someone.

If I don't respond at all, sometimes people will continue to reach out and text me. If that is really spaced out, like by days, then it's not so bad. If it is one text after another, in the same day, it makes me more stressed out. Hard to explain it. It's like I feel so bad for not responding about the previous email or text, and the next one reminds me all the more that I'm not there for them. It increases my being shut down. It's overwhelming. It's not fair or right, and I don't condone abandoning people, and it's not a sign of how I feel about the other person.

Sometimes, there is nothing someone else can do to help me stop shutting down. It's always up to me to work on reducing my symptoms and riding them out as best I can and then trying to connect as soon as I can.

I hope he is able to start responding soon and connect up with you soon, and I hope you enjoy exploring the town either way. It's so good you have been connected with support and I'm glad you are reaching out here too. All very good things to be doing.

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

I have PTSD and I shut people out from time to time. I do all I can to not do that, and when I do, I...

I got a couple texts this morning and a couple on Tuesday. I feel like I've been sending status updates rather than conversation requests because I worry that when I ask a question, he feels pressured to respond. I should also note that I drove to another state to visit a friend (my battle buddy) and so some of the texts were things like "I'm leaving now" and "I arrived safely" because I didn't want him worrying about my driving 5 hours each way. Do you think it is ok if I send him this "It's ok if you don't want to reply. I'm just texting you because I had something I wanted to share."

 

[scout86]

I feel like shit to not be there with them or to not be able to respond more.

Yes! And it's one more reason to hate yourself. One more way to be a failure, not good enough, a waste of skin, etc, etc.

I have a business which requires I return phone calls now and then, if I want to work. (Which I do. "Work" is the place I feel the best nearly all the time. Besides, eating and bill paying are good.) A couple weeks ago, there was just so much STUFF..... and then a ton of calls, and everyone wanted something, and some of them weren't going to get what they wanted when they wanted, and they were going to be disappointed, and I was letting them down, which meant I was a failure. So I decided to deal with it by not calling anyone back. :confused: :sorry:

My clients have sort of self selected into people who can handle that without getting mad, people who are smart enough to believe me when I say that I respond better to emails, and people who are desperate enough to put up with my occasional lapses. But I promise, I don't think this is a GOOD way to handle things and if I could beat myself up enough to make myself do better, I would. Meanwhile, I hope I can learn something in therapy that works better than beating myself up!

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

I'm going to call BS on this as a "general" statement. Social media... sure, as long as it isn't an a...

So, if he is able to reply to a quick message from a FB friend about a sports game for example, or types LOL to someone's comment, but is having trouble with texts, you're saying BS? I'm not talking conversations, just quick responses. Please elaborate?

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

Yes! And it's one more reason to hate yourself. One more way to be a failure, not good enough, a waste o...

Crap... @scout86 so just my being here to visit is probably causing him problems. He wants to give me the side of him that I got the last time we were together, but he can't so he feels worse? Crap crap crap. I had no choice about the timing of the trip. My trips are work related, as is my relocation. I'm scoping out my future "new home" regardless of what he does or doesn't do, I'll be moving here. I told him that I needed to learn the area, check out rental homes, etc and I did that.

Am I upset that I didn't get my man this week? Of course, but I've come to terms with the fact that he just can't (after lots and LOTS of supporter meetings, and forum conversations, etc this week).

OK, what is the best way for me to ease his mind? I want to let him know that it is ok and he shouldn't feel bad about not being able to be the same way he was last month. I keep telling him that I'll still be here and I'm not going anywhere. I want to do the right thing for him.

 

[Sweetpea76]

So, if he is able to reply to a quick message from a FB friend about a sports game for example, or types LOL to someone's comment, but is having trouble with texts, you're saying BS?

No, I'm saying BS to the statement that they can often interact on social media or with less intimate friends when they are isolating. Sometimes they can... maybe. A lot of times they can't even do that. Plus, interactions like "LOL" is not something they have to elaborate on or something that takes much though or effort. It's pretty much a non-comment. If somebody comments back they can just log off.

"It's ok if you don't want to reply. I'm just texting you because I had something I wanted to share."

That is a good idea.

What I do when my vet is isolating and I just want to send random things to him, I send them to his facebook inbox. We have kind of established this as our "dumping ground" for stuff when he is isolating. He actually turns off his alerts on his phone for his messenger, and I can send stuff there if I want to have a little contact, but he knows that I in no way expect him to even look at it until he feels better. You may have to wait until e feels a little better to talk to him about doing something like that though... it's hard to work on compromises when they are stressed.