Undiagnosed Was I Molested?

[invisiblegirl14]

I used to think I was molested but I don't have any recollection of that. I don't know how else to explain the weird things I did. I used to want to hurt other kids and I wanted to be hurt. I knew how to masturbate when I was 6 or 7, (maybe even 5, it started when I was at my old house and I lived there when I was 4-8 so I don't know exact age) and I always tried to hurt myself down there. I would try to put things in my vagina, and try to make it hurt. I also tried touching other kids when I was little which I feel really awful about.
One time my mom caught me messaging violent and dirty things online and confronted me but didn't do anything about it. I recall running into my parents room basically every night, but my little brother does the same thing so I guess that's not really unusual.
I also have sleep paralysis, which I've had ever since I can remember. I was very self conscious as well and would wear jeans under skirts so people wouldn't see my legs. I wasn't even overweight, and although I'm not really skinny now, I'm not overweight now either. My BMI is normal.
I've never talked to my parents about this because it's very shameful. My sister went to therapy for a while because she had mild depression and PTSD, so I know that if I talked to my parents and we could get the money together, I'd be able to go to therapy also. I'm just worried that if I say I suspect I was molested, and then I'll go to therapy and they'll say that I wasn't, and then I'll just be embarrassed. What do I do? What's wrong with me?

 

[Deleted member 31345]

I used to think I was molested but I don't have any recollection of that. I don't know how else...

are u 14 years old?

 

[twinkle30]

A therapist won't tell you, "that didn't happen to you". People often don't remember their traumas. This is normal.

 

[twinkle30]

Don't answer your age. It's inappropriate for someone to ask your age. Especially if you are still underage.

 

[invisiblegirl14]

A therapist won't tell you, "that didn't happen to you". People often don't remember their traumas. Th...

Should I tell my parents? I've thought about telling them for a while but have been too embarrassed in the past. I don't think I'd be embarrassed to tell my mom now but I don't know what to say

 

[Stickler]

@Original poster...Do you think if you said " There are some things bothering me that I'd really like to talk over privately with a therapist," without giving your mom details...that she would not pry, but go get you a therapist?
Or your dad?
You know your parents way better than me.

@ Sasha...afaik this site has no problems with allowing underage people to become members.
Adolescence is never fun; throw in PTSD and aggghhh...So I'm glad younger people can become members on this site.

 

[Deleted member 31345]

The girl wants some advise about what's going on with here. It's one thing if she is 14, and another thing if she is 28. It's kinda changes the situation.
Either way if u want my opinion on it , I will share it with u (I'm 31 years old BTW). I remember when i was like 14-18 I was going through a lot of different weird phases. Weird thoughts, very conscious about my appearance even though there was nothing wrong with me at the time. I think it's ok to have weird thoughts as long as u control them and not act upon them. Back when I was 16 I had a girl in my class that told me she fantasies about getting raped. Today she is certified nurse with a husband and a child. So I guess it worked out ok for her. I think some where at age 18-20 u kinda get the upper hand on all your adolescence fears and weird stuff.

 

[Deleted member 31345]

@Original poster...Do you think if you said " There are some things bothering me that I'd really like t...

I don't understand why I'm perceived as offensive all the time. I asked for her age to get a better picture, that's all.

 

[Deleted member 31345]

oh sorry I didn't pay attention. You say that you used to touch other kids when you were little (like 4-8), and tried to hurt yourself back then. Ah I don't think it's an issue, I did also some freaky stuff when I was that age. We all did I think. This is the way I guess boundaries are formed. It was long time ago, you don't do it anymore.
I edited my previous comment and erased the last paragraph.

 

[invisiblegirl14]

@Original poster...Do you think if you said " There are some things bothering me that I'd really like t...

I don't think my parents would pay the money for a therapist unless they knew what was wrong, because I have asked them before (I had really bad anxiety for a while) and they didn't go through with it then.
@Sasha848484 said that this isn't unusual and I've read that online other places, I guess I don't want to make my parents pay money only to find out there's nothing wrong with me. (That would be embarrassing) Idk what to do

 

[Suzetig]

I don't think anyone here can say whether you were molested or not, nor can a therapist. It's not unusual for quite young children to touch themselves sexually or to touch others sexually in terms of you shown yours/I'll show you mine. It doesn't mean anything untoward happened, but it doesn't mean it didn't.

Adolescence is a very confusing time, thoughts and feelings can be all over the place and talking to someone outside of the family can help regardless of what may or may not have happened.

 

[Deleted member 31345]

I don't think my parents would pay the money for a therapist unless they knew what was wrong, be...

Don't you have a free counselor or a social worker at your school? A qualified person that you can simply talk to, tell him whatever is bothering you? If you feel uncomfortable to talk about that stuff with someone that is physically present at your school (someone that knows your intimate secrets, you don't want to bump into in the school hallway on daily occasion maybe), then ask if there is a possibility to see a counselor outside of your school (maybe in a different school or some other place).