I Don't Think I Belong Here.

[Yunie]

I feel like a fraud to be posting here, but I will to see if I feel better. I had a good childhood. My whole family is very loving. What bothers me the most is that I was raised to believe emotion is bad. Anytime I cried over something my mom would get angry and tell me how worse other people had it. I started to clam up. I rarely told her about my days at school. I have always had this issue with not being in control, so I NEVER joined in the crowds, therefore, I got bullied a lot in school. Later a friend of mine told my mom how mean this particular girl was to me. She said my mom was horrified and asked her why I hadn't told her. I love my mom, but when call upset about anything she gets mad all over again. I pretend I am happy most of the time. My ex brought this up...he said I was always just trying to make people happy, and I wasn't selfish enough.

When I was a child I was molested by my cousin. Just touching, and I got him to stop. It happened again when we were older. I got him to stop again... I told this to my mom one brave evening and she said it was no big deal. Her cousin had a crush on her. I brought it up one other time and she said I was being ridiculous.

I began drinking a lot when I moved out...I think to prove I was in control. I have no idea why I have such a problem with being controlled.

My worst years were my preteen years. My little sister had total control of me. She constantly beat me. It feels ridiculous to say because she is so much younger than I am, but in some ways, that was worse because I wasn't allowed to restrain or retaliate against her. I was always in trouble. My friends and some of my family supported me, but when I brought up to my mom she would get angry and say sarcastic remarks like "oh you have it soooo rough." Some times when I tried to just ignore her and let her beat me she would stare at me and start hitting and scratching herself so mom would think I did it. I was suicidal. She broke down one of my doors because I locked it because I had a friend over. I wasn't allowed to lock her out of my room. One time she told my friend she should be thankful because she saved her life. When my friend questioned this she said she was planning on killing her. Nobody wanted to come over to my house, and I didn't want them over. My mom thought I was becoming anti social.

One day my sister got me in trouble, my dad, sick of hearing my mom complain went totally out of character. He was such a laid back guy. I was never even spanked ad a kid. This particularly day, however, he drug me in the laundry room. Made a hideous face I will never forget and just started to shake me uncontrollably. I cried. I screamed. The next day he did it again. This time I just stared at him and said nothing. He apologized later and said he didn't get the reaction he was looking for and laughed.

Before this, when I was younger, me and the cousin who molested me were terrified of our younger premie cousin. He was similar to my sister in the fact that he loved getting us in trouble. Since he was born early and nearly died, everyone protected him. My granny was terrifying when she was mad. My cousin and I would lock ourselves in the closet even though our punishment would be worse when we were found. They never laid hands on me but my aunt slapped my cousin a couple times.

I grew up with no self esteem and since my mom used to tell me to constantly suck in or that I looked frumpy, even as a size five, I became afraid to eat in front of people. I feel bad about this because she is supportive and tells me how smart I am, but I still have no self esteem. My first real boyfriend cheated on me and he was an alcoholic but my mom said I should still marry him...

I think that's enough for now. Later I may talk about my older years. My ex husband, my jail time, and my depression mixed with anxiety.

 

[Ronin]

Hi Yunie,

You're not a fraud.

You say you had a happy childhood over all, but also that you felt like you need to be happy all the time, because anything but led to punishment & reactions of your Mom that were fairly scary; I can so see how they'd be. Emotional neglect & abuse are real abuse with issues on their own, you don't have to have a sense of 'whole childhood ruined' and every day dark for it to 'count'.

Your later sexual assaults, substance dependence issues, physical abuse, being doped by an abuser - none of that sounds like 'something small'.

And you direct link how that abuse influenced your eating habits, something with which you struggle still - eating's fairly crucial, there is never anything 'too small' about it.

I apologize for not having counter points to everything you've written, even though I've read you carefully - though you certainly belong here, and deserve help, deserve healing, and deserve being heard out.

 

[Yunie]

Hi Yunie,

You're not a fraud.

You say you had a happy childhood over all, but also that you felt like yo...

I can't thank you enough for the relief I feel from your comment. My mom taught me my problems are so minor, that it makes me feel stupid to talk about them. I already feel pressure off my chest that I am not completely over reacting about my past. Thank you a million times over.

 

[Ronin]

You're welcome, Yunie.

Parents, sadly, can be wrong, as just about everyone.

When your problems derail your life & don't allow you to get on track with healthy living? They're everything but minor.

(And if they were minor, their impact is still major, so something needing help :D)

 

[Yunie]

I felt better last night after my post, but I had trouble sleeping. I usually have nightmares about not being in control. I dream that I am trying to take a shower or something but people keep walking in, or I dream people keep taking my stuff (mostly my sister).

I don't like it when people touch me (unless we're close) I'm super jumpy, even when I hear people are coming. People at work think it's funny, but I think it would affect me more if I wasn't on anti anxiety meds.

I decided I need to talk, in more detail, about my relationships.

Boyfriend A: Not a real boyfriend. I wasn't attracted to him. I wasn't into that really yet. He kept begging me to date him. I kept telling him I just wanted to be friends. One night he calls me sounding really weird. I think we were in sixth grade. He said he had ODed on his moms pain meds because I wouldn't date him. I forced him to let me talk to his mom. I was sobbing and had my mom talk to her and they went to the hospital. He had to swallow coal? To get the drugs out of his system. I agreed to date him after that because I was terrified. He dumped me after our first date because he decided we are better friends.

Boyfriend B : I had just started college. Not much to say about it except my mom still thinks I should date him. He is the one who hung out with my friend ( it shouldn't make it worse but she is very heavy and unattractive). She says he tried to sleep with her. He says he didn't. It hurt my stomach,but I really wasn't ever in love with him.

Boyfriend C: I hate dating at this point. I have dated a few people at this time and I dumped all of them within a week. They make me nauseous. This guy begs me to date him for weeks. I give in. I start falling for him. He dumps me over a message. I know he cheated on me with the girl who cuts his hair because I refused to have sex with him.

Boyfriend D: not a boyfriend really. I had a huge crush on him. He was a cocky SOB. At this point in my life I drink a lot. We hang out a few times. He was very sweet some times. Other times he ignored me. I decided he was toxic and stopped hanging out with him. He begs and begs me to hang out for weeks. One weekend I had been drinking with my room mates. I said fine took a movie over. We fool around and he asks me to give him a blow Job. I refused. I said I would only do that to someone I loved. He kicks me out of his frat house and says he will take me home. I refuse and start walking. I didn't make it far and called my roommate crying. She came to get me. I suddenly stopped crying. "Turn around" I said. He can't do this to me. I text him I need a ride. He comes outside. I pretend I want to kiss him and try to kick him as hard as I can. He keeps holding me back as I attempt to make him feel as shitty as he mad me feel. His frat boys stand outside and watch until a cop comes. He is very serious until he sees my face. He talks me down and says I'm amazing. I go home and have to see this guy in my classes (this was many years ago. Just a few weeks ago he sent me a fb message apologizing.

Boyfriend e: I marry this one. I'm too tired to talk about the hell he put me through. He was very controlling, uncaring, and emotionally abusive...I will go more into this one later.

 

[Yunie]

I do want to add this before I go. One day right after I found out my future husband was going to be deployed we went to a bar to see a band. I was depressed and drinking. I was at the bar and asked my bf if I could smoke a cigarette. He knew I was drunk. He got mad that I kept asking and left me there drunk to go listen to the band up front with his friends. I know I am kinda flirting with this guy who has the smokes. I black out. My next memory is being in the back room resteraunt area. In the dark. He has his penis out and I freak out. He runs away and this guy and his girlfriend come rescue me. Vince gets me. I scream and cry the whole way home. I start making up lies that I beat that guy up. He calls the bar just to make sure I didn't.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

@Yunie :hug: :hug: :hug: well done getting some of it out. Here to listen and help if needed.

Cj

 

[Yunie]

Thanks everyone. It's weird, but after getting all this stuff out that I have never talked about before makes me breathe easier. I don't feel as tensed up as usual.

 

[Grama-Herc]

When I read the title of your post, I knew I needed to connect with you. I felt EXACTLY THE SAME WAY when I found and joined this group. That was a very long time ago, but the members made me feel that I belonged.. I've been gone for a while but came back cuz I need the input and opinions of others who ACTUALY GET THIS. The group has helped me so much and will continues to help me every time I come back. It is a powerful place for help. Use ALL of the help it offers

 

[Yunie]

When I read the title of your post, I knew I needed to connect with you. I felt EXACTLY THE SAME WAY w...

Thank you so much! I'm glad I have someone to relate to. It also gives me motivation to keep posting.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Thank you for your kind words on my diary. Yesterday was particularly bad for me and your words helped me feel better :) :hug:

 

[Yunie]

Thank you for your kind words on my diary. Yesterday was particularly bad for me and your words helped me f...

I'm glad I could help. I'm super happy to know you're feeling a bit better. Don't EVER hesitate to reach out when you're having a bad day. That's what we're all here for. I know sometimes I feel guilty or that I'm over reacting, but I think deep down we know when we need help.:hug: