DID Fragmented personality disorder?

[Chava]

This is totally how I felt when I got back last December from CA. I kept saying that my brain was like a blank slate. I would be interested if anyone has further comments on this.

This sounds like my ickiest form of dissociation. I'm not amnesiac. But I am voided. No feeling, no thought, no connection to my surroundings. It's like my body is an empty shell and there is no person in there. Mind blank too. If I could get a brain scan on that situation probably very little is happening. It would seem I don't feel fear, but only because it's all too much...usually an undertone of threat but everything else goes offline. But even on good days I feel quite void of self sometimes. This isn't uncommon in BPD and complex or developmental trauma (like ongoing childhood trauma or severe early trauma). Not sure if that matches with what OP or you are saying @shimmerz ...hard to word this stuff!

 

[sun seeker]

I would be interested if anyone has further comments on this.

I could say... me too?

Likely totally unhelpful.

This sounds like my ickiest form of dissociation. I'm not amnesiac. But I am voided. No feeling, no thought, no connection to my surroundings. It's like my body is an empty shell and there is no person in there. Mind blank too.

Derealization?

I can think and feel. I just don't have a personality left. I do feel cut off from my surroundings and other people, and I've used the words "empty shell" as well.

It doesn't feel dissociative. It's more like I became aware all of a sudden that who I'd thought I was, was an artificial construct, and I couldn't keep it up anymore. At all. Like, from one day to the next. No. More.

There are spiritual aspects to this that get a bit weird to post on the forum. The part I can say is that in my understanding, my worst trauma happened before I had built a solid personality, and for some reason I'm not sure of instead of developing DID, I have latched onto other people's personalities and imitated them to some degree to keep myself grounded. There was always a subtle knowing that none of them were actually me, but it took the whole house of cards falling in before I let go and began the work of building a personality that is really my own. I still have no idea what that will look like. I don't do anything by halves, I just have to go for the quantum leap. :rolleyes:

I notice the OP left soon after starting this thread. I hope she was able to get the help she needed.

 

[Chava]

Derealization?

Sort of. Yet probably more like a deep freeze...like I am a baby animal and the wolf is right beside me. I'm still and so far...not noticed. Feel that...there is no "me" or constellation of thoughts or feelings or sense of self. Just freeze and void.

Sometimes there is more the day-dreamy (yet not dreams or thoughts) sort of checking out and numbing out. Like a mini vacation, no big deal. But this deeper void is a scary shutdown. Actually haven't noticed it much in the past year so I feel like therapy is helping. I have a shitload of weird feelings I don't know what to do with right now, but the extremes aren't quite so threatening.

 

[shimmerz]

For me, the 'blank slate' is a disconnect between intellect and well, me. I forgot how to use a debit card, had to relearn how to drive, lost my ability to speak properly, and kept looking at my hands like they were some foreign being.

On the upside, what I took in after that I took in very easily. It was like I was provided with a new lease on learning somehow. You are right @Chava, so very hard to explain. No words. No books about it. No research. Makes me feel very alien.

I am so sorry you and Sun both suffer through this....

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@sun seeker I totally relate, unfortunately, to what you describe. A total disconnect. Feeling grounded, somehow, but also like who I am is just a fake. Feeling so disconnected from who I am. Wondering who I am. Confused as to why I care about the things I supposedly care about, confused as to why I want to push through with these career options that I've laid out for myself. Confused, as I simultaneously feel completely connected to my body, calm and in control, and watching myself from a distance as I move like a robot through the actions of my days.

I wish I had advice.

 

[sun seeker]

Are we all describing the same thing?

I'm going to make a list of what everyone has said, so we can see how much we do or don't relate to. If I've missed anything important, please let me know.

original personality like a blank slate
empty shell
broken to pieces
childlike state under stress
dissociative
not dissociative
no feeling
no connection to surroundings
mind goes blank
able to think and feel but no personality
construct is gone
disconnection between intellect and self
forgetting previous skills
feeling alien
disconnected
fake
watching self from a distance
confused

I'm not sure, what do you guys think? What I'm seeing in common is distress over "I don't know who I am." @Chava, you seem to be describing a state that comes and goes, is that right? @shimmerz is describing a state that came on suddenly and has gotten better over time. Mine came on suddenly and there hasn't been time to know whether it is going to get better (I sure hope so). @theshadowoftheliving, how long have you been like this?

 

[Chava]

Are we all describing the same thing?

Personally, the feelings on this list describe a few different states for me, but probably all within range of periodic freeze or shutdown to more persistent loss of sense of self, disconnection from self or disconnection from world (often relatively subtle and "normal" feeling for me). I have issues with me-other being simultaneously real. That might sound like it matches up with "fake" but that doesn't really describe it for me. It's my reality, but there are heavy bubbles and veils involved. I maintain my own reality by closing others out. I've actually adapted to this pretty well, though I'm really isolated because of it. I function and pay my bills. But anyway, this is not the same as void for me. In my really ungrounded voids pretty much nothing is real...all I can identify with some certainty is that my sense of hearing becomes more acute.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I've felt like this for as long as I can remember.

But, I have to caveat - there are moments where I feel connected, normal, regular. But then there are other moments, most of the moments, where I'm just so, so baffled by myself and who I am.

And then there are the moments where I just check out completely, and can't remember what happened later. I can't say anything for those moments about who I am or who I am not.

When I'm a mess like I am now, I have no idea who I am. Later, I can't remember feeling like this and feel completely connected, but then later I crash back into my confused self.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense. I'm confused, I'm overtired, and I think the wine is hitting me harder tham I thought.

 

[sun seeker]

probably all within range of periodic freeze or shutdown

So I'm going to tentatively say we are talking about a few different things here. I have a tendency to freeze, and that is a different state from what I am describing here.

It's my reality, but there are heavy bubbles and veils involved.

When I've experienced something like this, which I think of as derealization, again it's a different thing.

In my really ungrounded voids pretty much nothing is real...all I can identify with some certainty is that my sense of hearing becomes more acute.

Interesting... your freezing doesn't cross the line into catatonia does it?

So for me, freezing, dissociating, and derealization are conditions I do deal with, but what I am experiencing now came on suddenly as part of a breakdown, has been consistent since then, and is distinct from any of the above states (that is, freezing etc. can come on top of it, but it remains constant). I'm not sure whether I have lost specific skills per se; it's more that my stress level has cut down on my level of functioning in a more global way so anything very complicated (which could be as little as washing the kitchen floor) seems insurmountable. What I am feeling most acutely is that my personality no longer exists. I have no idea what I am interested in or want to do. My tastes, preferences, and opinions have been wiped out almost completely. I can't make plans. It's like I just... exist.

 

[sun seeker]

Forgot to say, I also go into childlike states under stress... perhaps less obviously lately... but again, at least for me this feels like a separate phenomenon.

 

[sun seeker]

I've felt like this for as long as I can remember.

That sounds terribly difficult. I'm so sorry.

Then again, you have an awareness of it. I suppose that's a good thing... maybe? A first step to finding out who you really are?

And then there are the moments where I just check out completely, and can't remember what happened later.

Sounds like dissociation, is that how it seems to you?

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Yeah, it's dissociation. Amnesia, I guess. But i don't experience the dissociation, really, just lost time and the unnerving experience of being told that I have or have not done things later that I can't recall.

I think my confusion is related to this, to not knowing what I do and therefore what my experiences and desires are. How can I know who I am if I don't know what I do?

I'm so exhausted right now; I just can't even consider who I am or what I'm about. I'll think more about this; maybe my brain will work better tomorrow.