How To Be Authentic?

[Recovery4Me]

@Junebug (((hugs))) about your Mom and I loved your post xx

 

[Tinyflame]

Ya, wasn't going to say it @Recovery4Me , but when she did it surprised me. Seems what she felt (& she was very wise, very self-contained, believed in God but... ) what she said in the end was all that really mattered was where the rubber meets the road. The rest is just words.

Thank you. :hug:

 

[barefoot]

I actually think authenticity is what is revealed to others, if one's thoughts/ beliefs/ words/ actions match.

Yes, I agree with this. If your thoughts/beliefs/words/actions match - and if they are all coming from a place of authentic truth within yourself - then, yes, you will then 'show up' authentically in your relationships and communications with others.

For me, the important thing is that the focus starts with yourself rather than what you tell/show others. I think you can say honest things to people, without necessarily doing that authentically - as in a couple of examples in posts in this thread.

If you don't start with a knowledge of and connection with your authentic self, you won't be able to be authentic with others - even though you may be speaking honestly to them.

Ah, I know what I mean...I don't think I'm explaining myself very clearly! ;-)

 

[barefoot]

@Junebug - your mum sounds very wise! Reminds me of that Maya Angelou quote...something like:
"People will forget what you said but will never forget how you made them feel."
I've probably misquoted that but what your mum said just made me think of it :-)

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @barefoot , yes that quote does ring very true & describe her well.

Ironically, she was speaking of a couple of people whose actions did not match their words. :( Conversely however, I'll never forget my sister sitting with her in the bathroom keeping her company (terminally ill), laughing with her & my mom put her hands on her knees & said "that is love".

For me, the important thing is that the focus starts with yourself rather than what you tell/show others. I think you can say honest things to people, without necessarily doing that authentically - as in a couple of examples in posts in this thread..

If you don't start with a knowledge of and connection with your authentic self, you won't be able to be authentic with others - even though you may be speaking honestly to them.

I'm sure you are correct, but I must say I don't understand the above. I think most people (barring dissociation or otherwise altered consciousness for whatever reasons) know what causes them pain, makes them happy, turns them on, turns them off; what causes doubt, what they wish they could avoid, what they like, etc. I don't mean as in fully knowing one's self, but in recognizing one's thoughts/ feelings/ etc in a given moment. We can all truthfully answer (at least to ourselves), & I think it's from there that actions/ priorities/ truthfulness etc come from (or don't come from). I think if it's honest to your character & priorities it's authentic.

In terms of honesty, well for example I go to work & am told how funny, happy etc I am. Is that 'honest? Well yes; it's honest because I can be but more so because I'm at work, want to keep my job, & don't believe or want to show or bring my baggage to work. Is it dishonest? No, it's honestly me authentically getting everyone off my back & getting paid while trying to meet their needs.Just as authentically feeling like crap we may recognize as ptsd-related, but that's not going to help us get through the day (or make life easier) to necessarily express it overtly.

Then again, what do I know. :rolleyes:

 

[barefoot]

I'm sure you are correct,

Ha! I wouldn't assume that...!
;-)

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, you have a much better grasp of it than me @barefoot. :tup: :)

I am far too simple-minded. To me, asking one's self if you're being authentic is like being asked if you're happy: if you have to hesitate or quantify the answer is clear.

 

[barefoot]

I think overall we're on a very similar page :-)

I think one of the things I was trying to express earlier is that there is a distinction between being authentic and telling everyone everything. You can be a very authentic person while still keeping healthy boundaries and valuing your privacy and not sharing every bit of information about yourself or every thought and feeling you have with everyone. Choosing to keep some things private or to only share with certain people doesn't mean you are being inauthentic with the other people that you have chosen not to share whatever with. Being authentic is more than simply being honest with the things you say to other people. It's about coming from a starting point of being true to yourself. I think they're the points I was initially trying to make :-)

Yes, I think most people know the impact of something in the moment - they know what they like/don't like, what generally makes them happy and what turns them off. They know their preferences and they recognise their emotional responses. I do think a lot of people struggle to know what they think/what they want etc as their heads are often so full of what other people in their lives think and suggest. So when I ask someone I work with what they want, often they will start to answer by telling me what their partner/best friend/mother/boss thinks they should do. It's difficult for us to make decisions that are truly "right" for us, when we find it hard to actually listen to ourselves - what we really want and need. So I think I was also touching on that...getting to know ourselves and tuning into ourselves and listening to ourselves on a much deeper level...they will help to pave the way for us to show up authentically for ourselves and with others.

 

[barefoot]

you have a much better grasp of it than me Link Removed. :tup: :)

I am far too simple-minded

Not at all! We're just coming from our own different experiences and contexts. What something means to one person will be different to what it means for another - especially once you start digging deeper than a general definition because that's when our own personal experiences come in to play. So that's why we all get to be right in a discussion like this. And, by the same token, why we all get to be wrong too! :-)

We're both just posting authentically! ;-)

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes that is what I meant as well @barefoot , 'spilling one's guts' = disclosure = is not healthy even. and leads (me, anyway) to feeling quite terrified & self-destructive, & trapped.

Oh yes, I see what you mean, regarding other peoples' views. Although I think resources determine (or greatly affect) one's opportunities to authentically choose what they would otherwise. Money increases opportunities, available choices, & gives a mental & physical safety net.

 

[PreciousChild]

I really appreciate everyone's thoughtful answers. I've been away, not so deliberately, but maybe took a breather. I'm still new to this ptsd diagnosis, and there are ebbs and flows of emotions and readiness to handle more awareness. I'm very glad to have so much thoughts to reflect on about authenticity. I wanted to address a few great points.

It's not about how much you reveal to others. Creating and holding healthy boundaries is really key to living authentically. So, it's not just about putting all your truth out there with loads of other people. It's about you knowing that you are living/behaving/speaking/being in relationship congruently.

I like the idea of living/speaking/being in relationship congruent to my actual feelings and beliefs. That's what I think I'm trying to attain to. Obviously, if I'm getting everything I expect, I'm probably not considering other people's needs. But if I can figure out what are some of the things that are important to me, I can try to maintain those as part of what makes up my core values. I need to think more on creating and holding healthy boundaries. I think I do that, and perhaps a little too much. But I know that there has to be a balance of revealing too much and maintaining a healthy sense of restraint and boundaries.

Ha! @Recovery4Me
Oh dear, I hope I didn't sound preachy! Authenticity is one of my favourite topics, so I could probably witter on about it all day :)
Glad to meet you too!

Not at all! Thanks you so much for sharing. I don't know about you, but my dad used to give me a "smack down" if he felt I was even the slightest bit assertive. Right now, I'm all about trying to assert myself without remorse, so feel free to share with confidence!!

I actually think authenticity is what is revealed to others, if one's thoughts/ beliefs/ words/ actions match. So it has a huge component of truthfulness to it. I think whether we intend to or not, we will assess others' authenticity & they will assess ours.

I totally understand what you are saying, along with your qualifications below. I think the fear of being authentic is exactly based on how others perceive you. So actually revealing to others how you really feel or think (when apt or needed) is actually part of what it means to be authentic. I think that it's a kind of bravery for me to want to risk sharing myself despite the intense fears that have been associated with letting my guard down in the past.

I think most people (barring dissociation or otherwise altered consciousness for whatever reasons) know what causes them pain, makes them happy, turns them on, turns them off; what causes doubt, what they wish they could avoid, what they like, etc. I don't mean as in fully knowing one's self, but in recognizing one's thoughts/ feelings/ etc in a given moment. We can all truthfully answer (at least to ourselves), & I think it's from there that actions/ priorities/ truthfulness etc come from (or don't come from). I think if it's honest to your character & priorities it's authentic.

So, I'm very glad that there some of us who aren't dissociated! I found out from a test posted on the Dissociation board that I depersonalize too. Yipes!! These are the reasons why I did ask the question about authenticity in the first place. It's almost as though I have to first break down the Berlin Wall before I see what is on the other side, my true self. Or what if I lost it when the wall got built? I do sense that there is enough of me there to piece back together or perhaps reveal who I "truly" am. But at least for now, it isn't as simple as identifying pain and pleasure. It seems to me that authenticity can be both what is there originally in us from birth, and what we create/build as part of our values as mature, thinking people.

My latest thought on authenticity though is that it is absolutely equivalent to my emotions. I'm reading Healing Developmental Trauma, and there Heller writes about how when we dissociate, what we dissociate from is our true selves. Here is the reason: We have natural needs and emotions, and expect them to be met. When they are not met, we might exhibit protest behaviors, like anger. But obviously, dependent children need their parents for survival, so they can't stay mad forever. So if needs continue not to be met, the child starts to think there is something wrong with them, and also they begin to tune out their emotions, and especially their anger. The child begins to dissociate from the emotions/needs/authenticity in one package and buries it deep down. I think that it's important for me to allow that package to surface and air it out. The difficulty is that opening the package makes one feel like the crappy, ugly, stupid self that caused all the problems in the first place. It has been kind of hard to walk around feeling like that, like I'm endangering myself by opening myself up to that mess of emotions. It felt like my entire way of looking at things was based on these feelings - he or she is not saying 'hi' because I'm such a loser, they stepped on my foot because they're teaching me a lesson, etc. (by the way, I have a position that is pretty well esteemed, and I'm certain these thoughts were not "objective"). But at the moment, I'm emerging from that sense of disorientation and I feel different than I used to. I feel more solid and less pressure. I think by embracing myself, warts and all, I have taken a step towards authenticity.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @PreciousChild I think you have also. Even in the choosing of your username. :) :tup:

Best wishes to you. :hug: