Stubborn negative core beliefs: i am not worth protecting

[RussH]

What do you think is the criteria that makes someone "worth protecting"?

This is a good question that I don't have an answer for. However whatever that criteria is, I apparently didn't meet it because no one stood up to protect me. The end result is feeling of worthlessness, and this affects all of my life, and my relationships.

 

[scout86]

I apparently didn't meet it because no one stood up to protect me.

And that's the little kid talking. How many reasons can you think of for someone not to be "protected"?
1) No one was there/no one knew
2) People who were there were coward
3) People who were there were part of the problem
4) People who were there didn't understand the nature of the problem.
5) People who were there didn't know what to do.
6) People who were there were scared to act for what might have been good reasons.

Want me to go on? Notice anything about the list? Most of the reasons for "lack of rescue" relate to deficiencies in the rescuer, not the rescuee. Being in the wrong place, at the wrong time, in the wrong company really does happen and in a totally random way. I'm not saying that I get this, inside my head where I actually live, but, intellectually, I get it. I'm hoping that by sticking to the facts someday it will seem real. I'm going to repeat, "There IS NO rule that says we get what we deserve. Good, bad, or otherwise."

 

[Justmehere]

Blaming myself? That's part of my illusion-of-control. If it's my fault? Then I have the power to fix it. (So says my head/heart, even though it's not true.) Once a thing becomes someone else's fault? I lose my illusion of control. So it's a double hit, realizing or admitting, that something isn't my fault.

You have hit the nail on the head! I keep trying to always be in control. Letting go and not having a sense of control scares me so deeply. All the time. My therapist is always trying to help me let go, but I fight it every step of the way.

It's easier to blame myself than it is to accept that someone can't or didn't protect me for reasons that are out of my control. For reasons that I can not fix.

I feel like I am a perpetual recovering/non-recovering control addict. Seeking control is how I medicate out the pain of trauma. The grief I do not want to feel.

Feeling things? It is not a foregone conclusion that you will be consumed by them. Not even if you are consumed right now.

Thank you so much for this reminder. I read it in a moment of feeling pretty consumed by my anger. It did get better.

I think you know the story of 2 wolves fighting for control in your heart? 1 who represents who you want to be, and 1 who represents who we fear to be. Sometimes, the wolves fight. That's just the way it is. The wolf who wins? Is the one we feed. The one who loses is not the one we ignore, or refuse to admit exists, or don't notice their strengths & problems. They both exist. They're both real. The fight is real. But the one who wins is the one we feed.

I think I keep trying to ignore the wolf of hate, who is trying to be in control of my heart and of the danger outside of me that no one protected me from. Ignoring this wolf does not work... I hate paid attention to that wolf of hate a little, and last night, I tried to take some steps to feed the other wolf. The wolf of compassion.

The other day, on the radio, they were talking about the movie "Inside Out". I haven't seen it, but it's supposed to be about "feelings". They said, among other things, that emotions have jobs and that the job of anger is to "keep us from getting run over by other people". That that is an important job. And it is, when you think about it.

Very true. My anger is trying to keep me safe. To say to danger - "NO. you will not hurt me."

Inside Out is an excellent movie that does go a lot into the value of all emotions. You reminded me of how it showed the interplay between anger, sadness, and joy. If we get rid of anger and sadness, then joy becomes diminished.

Most of the reasons for "lack of rescue" relate to deficiencies in the rescuer, not the rescuee. Being in the wrong place, at the wrong time, in the wrong company really does happen and in a totally random way. I'm not saying that I get this, inside my head where I actually live, but, intellectually, I get it. I'm hoping that by sticking to the facts someday it will seem real. I'm going to repeat, "There IS NO rule that says we get what we deserve. Good, bad, or otherwise."

Struggling with this issue is about struggling with the reality that there are bystanders. As long as there is crap in the world, there will always be bystanders who don't do a darn thing about it for any reason at all. My therapist says that the bystander is the one who is least able to handle stress, and even acknowledging there is a problem is too stressful for some people to manage. So they pretend there is no problem, and they don't act.

I have been thinking a lot about the times I have been a bystander. There I times I have been the bystander who did not act to protect someone who was suffering. There are times where I have done this probably without even realizing it. One extreme example - I worked in the developing country once and there were lots of problems around me I did not do anything about. It's hard to think of those who were suffering and maybe they were angry at me for not helping more. Some problems I couldn't do anything about or I would have lost my job and been deported or whatever the reason was... I wonder if the people I didn't help were angry at me. My lack of acting had NOTHING to do with the value they had as people. They have great value, because they just do. All humans do. My lack of helping does not change that at all. I know this from the angle of being the bystander.

Now when I try to apply that same understanding back to myself? It is so hard. It's inviting grief in, and all the sadness and anger that comes with it. Maybe it eventually brings joy. I hope so.

 

[Justmehere]

I apparently didn't meet it because no one stood up to protect me. The end result is feeling of worthlessness, and this affects all of my life, and my relationships.

It is so easy to know, like really know, from this perspective, that you are a person of great value and worth. That it has nothing to do with your value and worth as to why people did not act. So easy to see what it true for someone else than it is ourselves. I hope we both find a way to believe this for ourselves. It is a tough battle to be sure. :hug:

 

[DogwoodTree]

The other day, on the radio, they were talking about the movie "Inside Out". I haven't seen it, but it's supposed to be about "feelings". They said, among other things, that emotions have jobs and that the job of anger is to "keep us from getting run over by other people". That that is an important job. And it is, when you think about it.

Excellent movie...it's available on Amazon now.

I think anger has a dual job. It points out when boundaries have been crossed, but there are two sides to that issue. It might be that someone crossed your reasonable boundaries, and you therefore need to strengthen those boundaries. Or it might be that you had unreasonable expectations that weren't met, and you therefore need to adjust your expectations.

I think sadness helps us grieve what we've lost, which is essential to helping us accept reality.

I think disgust and fear help protect us from certain dangers.

All of these emotions are important and can only perform their jobs when we take the time to listen to what they're telling us. Growing up in a family where I wasn't allowed to have negative emotions seriously hampered my ability to take care of myself.