Relationship Is Staying Friends Better?

[Foofnick]

Hi Jm318,

Holy cow...27. You are strong, smart and pretty together for that age. I'm 52. I live in Putnam County, NY.

Everything you say is brilliant, the simple logic of pulling yourself up and taking care of yourself so that everything else is a bonus--and you are right!!!!

Grief is tricky, fascinating. Have you seen "The Tree of Life" with Brad Pitt, a Terrence Malick movie? He takes grief to where I go, when something that was a part of me was lost..to the very cosmos, the very beginning. The veil is thin for me at those times, and I experience a death. I can't help it, or stop it and it nearly takes me with it, like a terrible fever.

And then sometimes I'm okay! This time, I just think of letting what needs to happen, happen and then I understand your clean logic of taking care of business!

I must have attachment disorders, the way it takes me so long to see the path to letting go..
I am Christian ( in my own way) and I listen to songs that praise goodness and beauty all around us and that we are loved by "The Great Parent".

Loving someone who is terrorized by their own demons that are more powerful than them is dangerous business for a soul like me. Time to get stronger, and I am. Part of it is the power that I gave away, coming back to me by letting him walk.

I am letting a transformation and change that has wanted to take place for a very long time, finally unfold.

Keep me informed about what is happening with you. Sometimes it seems that what happens on the outside is actually less important than what is happening on the inside...thanks for the lovely guidance and willingness to connect.

Lots of love,

Foofnick

 

[JM318]

Hi Jm318,

Holy cow...27. You are strong, smart and pretty together for that age. I'm 52. I live in Put...

Well thank you :) I'm trying my best to hold it together. Haven't talked to him since class last Wednesday. Busy weekend moving. I will see him in class tonight. I keep telling myself that I'm only giving it until the holidays and if there is no reconciliation, I am completely letting go.

 

[Foofnick]

Well thank you :) I'm trying my best to hold it together. Haven't talked to him since class last Wednesday...

Jm318,

Good luck tonight, stay strong, be on your own side so your own ship won't sink...it's only fair:);)

 

[JM318]

Pretty sure he's not coming back. I stopped over to grab some things from his house, all my things were packed away for me, he changed his room around, took our picture frame down - I said "you really wanted me gone huh?" And he said "I was expecting you to come last weekend"..... I tried to make small talk and he didn't seem interested in talking at all he just said "well I have homework to do" and basically shooed me to go. At least it felt that way anyways. I know he told Dom he wasn't coming back, but I thought he might have a change of heart and I was wrong. Today I'm moving on, there's someone out there who is better for me. He was the one who said "I deserve better, and there's someone out there who's more compatible for us", I thought he was just confused, he said the same thing our last break up. So, I'm positive he will come back, and in positive it will be too late.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: I think you are wise to let him go.

 

[Jm_318]

:hug: I think you are wise to let him go.

I wrote a letter to him, I'll leave it on his bed while I pack the rest of my things (he will be in class). Life just isn't fair, but it's my only choice, I can't make him want me in his life.

 

[JM318]

Justmehere:

Just an update, we did get back together 6 months later (back in April). Things were good for a while and he started having symptoms again, and we haven't been in contact much the last week or so. He finally started therapy yesterday which was a HUGE step and I hope therapy really helps him. For now, we put our relationship on hold, I want him to focus on his recovery.

 

[Justmehere]

That's great that he is getting therapy. Things may actually get worse for awhile (typical in effective trauma treatment) so it's good the relationship is on hold.

How are you doing with it all? How is your heart?

Based on just what you have posted, this is the 4th break up/separation/putting things on hold time period, and if you continue to return to him, it's likely to happen again. Have you thought about counseling or support for you? The best long term supporters have their own support to get through rough patches like this. If you are not able to stick it out with him long term, that's really ok too. It's alright and perhaps even healthy to let go. I know you care for him so deeply and want him in your life, and you don't need me to tell you this just might not be someone who can be what you need and deserve in a relationship.

 

[JM318]

That's great that he is getting therapy. Things may actually get worse for awhile (typical in effect...

We are not broken up we are just putting the relationship aside and I'm giving him space. It is actually a bit easier for me than in the past because now I know that this has nothing to do with me, this is a battle within himself. I have also started therapy to help cope (she specializes in PTSD) and she has given me great insight. I am aware of what I deserve in a relationship, but I know deep in my heart that I am meant to be where I am right now. I am okay and focusing on school, exercise and things that I want to do in my free time. I am not in bed upset all day or skipping out on work and outside of therapy I have a great group of friends. So mentally and physically I am doing well, I do realize this is going to get worse before it gets better. He recently hit rock bottom but I am thankful for it because he was saying he wanted to get help, but his first mental breakdown last Sunday was that little push he needed to go through with it. I'm sure this is a broad question, but what is "typical" for most people who initiate treatment to where things get worse then start to level out? I'm sure it is dependent on the person, the severity of symptoms and all that, but I'd just like an idea so I can prepare myself for that too. I can also ask my therapist when I see her next. Thanks for responding. :)

 

[Justmehere]

There actually isn't a typical that I can really describe. It does vary from person to person for many reasons - and also based on types of therapy people engage.

He, like many trauma sufferers, has been avoiding treatment and the trauma for quite some time because it's painful to deal with. A good trauma therapist will first help him build up the coping skills he needs to do the work of finally facing the pain he has been running from. The first phase of treatment, can take anywhere from weeks to years. Dealing with the trauma itself can take weeks to years.

The best thing to do is to accept him as he is now, as if this is how it will be. Staying in it on the basis of hope for change is something a lot of people do, and it tends to backfire and leave both parties resentful. If you can figure out how to make things work as they are now, then you both will grow closer if things get better, and be better prepared for if/when symptoms spike again.

Sounds like he is lucky to have you and I'm glad you have support too.

 

[JM_318]

Okay that's pretty much what I prepared for and I'm hoping therapy helps him cope and that we can pick up our relationship eventually and really work with each other to make things work. Thanks for all your advice.

 

[JM318]

I think what he says is what he means. When PTSD gets inflamed its retreat time. Too overwhelmed to...

@TerriB8511 Read this response. This is from an old forum I wrote during our 6 month break up. <3