Relationship Confused And Heartbroken

[Earthmoonstars]

Sorry, this is gonna be long!

I've been dating a retired Army combat veteran for 7 months and things were going great until Monday night.

First, a little back-story:
We work together and we were both single and I texted him one Friday night (as a friend, or so I thought) and he asked if I wanted to have dinner the next night. I said "sure!" and we met at the restaurant the next night. We talked a lot and got along great, but I thought we were just hanging out as friends. There was no goodnight kiss or anything.

The next Friday, he texted me as he was leaving work asking me if I wanted to have dinner on Saturday again. I said "okay". Once again, met at the restaurant... thought we were in the friendzone.

Well, things sort of changed that night. He reached across the table and grabbed my hand and told me that he had been interested in me since he first saw me and wanted to be more than friends.

I was blown away. I sort of had a crush on him anyway, so I agreed to go out with him. We decided to go to a bar to play pinball (lol) and as soon as I got in his (brand new!) car, he leaned over and kissed me. I swear, I felt something I'd never felt before.

I'll admit that he knocked my socks off and the chemistry between us is great. We both love to talk and we talk every night and we always say 'I love you' before we hang up.

He's always been a gentleman- opening the car door for me, helping me put my jacket on, etc. Just a great guy. I love him very much.

He served in Iraq and Afghanistan and was wounded when his Humvee hit an IED. He had to endure numerous surgeries, but was finally able to walk again. He still has shrapnel in his back that cannot be removed because of the proximity of it to his spine.

I first witnessed his PTSD when we went to the lake for July 4th. It was horrible to see his reaction everytime there was a boom. I tried my best to comfort him and keep him safe. I even went as far as to yell at folks to stop setting off fireworks!

He periodically has nightmares where he's down-range again. He won't offer any other details. He usually can't get back to sleep after that. Sometimes he'll drink some wine to try to go back to sleep. He has to take Ambien to sleep, as-is. Oh, and he's found out he has Sleep Apnea, so he's training on his CPAP machine.

Anyway, this past Friday night we went out and everything was great. He asked me to go out again Saturday night. When I texted him on Saturday, he had been awakened by nightmares... no sleep... not good company. He called that night and we talked. Everything was fine. Everything was great!

On Sunday afternoon he texted me and we met for an early dinner. Again, everything was fine.

I don't remember much about Monday at work, but he and I were talking on the phone Monday night and he started ranting about people profiting off the wars and I said something and he basically started screaming "you weren't there, you'll never know what it's like...!" and he unleashed a string of expletives and hung up. Seconds later, he called back and when I said "hello", he didn't answer, so I hung up and tried to go to sleep.

The next day, he was there, because I saw his car, but he hid in his cubicle and shunned everyone (especially me).

Wednesday... Ditto! (I did leave a chocolate chip cookie on his desk, though... He wasn't there when I slipped it onto his desk)

On Thursday, I decided to try to communicate with him, so I sent him an interoffice IM basically saying " Hey".

He responded with "Yes"

I didn't know what to say. I'd snuck a plate of desserts onto his desk, so I just said "I left something on your desk". He said " Thanks".
I basically said 'You're welcome. You know, just because you're pissed at me doesn't mean I'm going to stop caring about you.'

Then I said something like 'When you're ready to come out of your cave, I'll be waiting. I miss you'. No response.

I was off Friday and honestly, I was pissed and decided I was going to go to his gym and wait for him and make him break up, if that was his intention.

I took a shower and got ready to go and something told me to not go.

I remembered that he wasn't shutting just ME out, but EVERYONE!

I did some reading last night and found out about constriction/isolation/numbing. Now things sort of made sense. I had set off this chain of events and that really upset me.

After several hours of reading PTSD websites last night, I decided to text him to let him know that I'd been reading up on PTSD and I realized that I had sent him into this tailspin and the fact that I hurt someone I love was regrettable. I closed by saying that if his isolation was meant to signal he wanted to break up, then to please have the courtesy to do it in person.

Well, around noon today, he responded. He said that WE do have some things that requires discussion and that it was better for us to not say anything because he had nothing constructive to say. He said saying nothing was a better option for him.

I asked when we could discuss them and he said if I didn't have anything going on tomorrow we could meet for lunch and discuss where we go from here.

I agreed to meet him tomorrow at the restaurant he specified (not a cheap one).

I'm nervous that he's going to dump me or if he truly wants to work things out, that I'm going to say something to mess things up.

Any advice or words of encouragement? I really want my best friend back and if that means we're just destined to be friends, then I'm ready to accept that.

Thanks!

 

[Justmehere]

Monday night and he started ranting about people profiting off the wars and I said something and he basically started screaming "you weren't there, you'll never know what it's like...!"

What did you say?

 

[Earthmoonstars]

What did you say?

We had sort of moved past the rant about people profiting from war and I said something about I was just a kid when Vietnam was going on and after Vietnam we went to a long time before there was another war and then the Gulf war happened... And then the shit hit the fan!

I mean, we've had to agree to not talk politics in cause things get heated, so we shouldn't have even GONE THERE!

I have a habit of sticking my foot in my mouth, but this was the worst.

:(

 

[Sighs]

Couple of things concern me. Firstly, you appear to be taking responsibility for triggering him. Just so you know - almost anything can trigger a combat vet. Have you read the stress cup explanation? You're prepared to walk on egg shells but that's not a long term solution.

Secondly, you seem to be pushing him to come out of isolation and talk to you before he is ready. Nothing good can come of that. Turning up at his gym would most likely have been disastrous. I would leave him the hell alone until he is good and ready and comes looking for you.

So, here is my question to you - do you really want to get on this roller coaster?

 

[Earthmoonstars]

Couple of things concern me. Firstly, you appear to be taking responsibility for triggering him. Just so...

I did read the stress cup explanation and it was very helpful and really explained what essentially was a 'perfect storm' of stress for my boyfriend. So, basically, here's what's been going on with my honey:

1) His co-hort on his project at work is a hypochondriac that can't seem to make it through a week without calling in sick

2) He has been diagnosed with Sleep Apnea and got his CPAP machine last week

3) He's dealing with depression about losing his mother and sister to Cancer several years ago. This time of year sets him off.

4) He has terrible survivor's guilt from Afghanistan

5) PTSD nightmares and insomnia

Yeah. My baby's stress cup runneth over.

Am I sure about this rollercoaster? Yes. I love him with all my heart. I agree that going to meet him would have been a disaster. I'm so glad I listened to my gut.

Our brunch went well. He doesn't understand why I want to deal with him and all of his issues. I have ADHD, Depression, PTSD from an accident. I'm a mess, too. We're all broken, but, as I explained to him: he's been a positive influence on me in getting me motivated and more organized and to take better care of myself and eat healthier.

I'm going to support him on this journey in any way I can. Everyday I learn more and hopefully I can pass some of my newfound knowledge onto him and help him manage his stress better.

 

[Sighs]

Alright - if you want to ride the monster that is your decision. As someone who has been on it for almost 3 years now, this is what I've learnt so far:

1. Put your own oxygen mask on first. You can't help him if you're drowning.
2. Set your boundaries. A boundary is something you set for your own behaviour not a demand or an ultimatum set on his behaviour. Personally, my boundary is "if he hits me - I must leave him".
3. Everyone has a limit. If you reach yours and you decide to get off the ride that doesn't make you a bad person.

Good luck!

 

[Purplemunchkin]

@Sighs - we need that checklist on a large poster by the door for any new supporters to see as soon as they walk in here.

@Earthmoonstars - what she ^ said.

One of my boundaries is "if he talks to me like that (like your 'phone conversation suggested) then I'm leaving the room/hanging up the 'phone." I deserve to be spoken to with respect, and if he can't do that then I'm not listening.

And, as Sighs mentioned in her earlier post, you can't hold yourself responsible for 'setting him off'. One topic of conversation could be fine at 1300, but at 1330 could cause all hell to break lose, and some topics can't be avoided all the time just in case.

As an example, my husband and his eldest daughter do not currently have a relationship. Her choice, and it tears him apart. Her birthday is a very difficult day for him. But he can't pretend that she doesn't exist, or ask his other kids not to talk about her in front of him, as that's not how life works.

Stick around here, read lots, and good luck!

 

[Earthmoonstars]

@Sighs @Purplemunchkin

Thanks so much for your helpful replies. I think I might need to print out your guidelines and put them in my wallet. :)

I'm in it for the long haul ( however long that may be). Honestly, things this week are 180-degrees better than last week, I just need some time this weekend to talk to him face-to-face about minimizing his stress.

Again, thanks! Everyone here has such great advice.

 

[DD123]

Alright - if you want to ride the monster that is your decision. As someone who has been on it for almost...

I love this. Thank you for posting it. I recently started up a relationship with a wonderful man who suffers from PTSD Combat related. He has depression and is consumed with self deprecation tendencies to deal with everyday life. I am convinced a large part of his suffering has to do with the absence of therapeutic help and an outer support system. He is a lovely man who has helped me be a better person...but some days i wonder "am i ready for this roller coaster?" ....sometimes it is more difficult to say "yes" than others. How did you first approach your "yes"?

I joined this forum to help me understand his mood swings and find a supportive community for myself and for him. I have bought the PTSD Relationship-waiting on delivery. While i am getting a glimps of how life would be on the roller coaster-as a newcomer you are right, i honestly have little to no idea. Were you the same way?

 

[Sighs]

Hi there @DD123. You appear to be on the forum as a guest - join as a member - its free!

No, I was not the same way as my father is a combat vet. I went into this with my eyes pretty wide open. Having said that, I've found it very different to be the adult partner rather than the child. I'm closer to his dark than I ever was to my father's dark.

Welcome to the forum and hugs if you accept them!

 

[DDMarie]

Sights,

Thank you so much for the welcome! I am officially a user now and so happy to join a support system. I am extremely excited to start reading up-i know this is going to be a long roller coaster.