Random Memories A Pre-cursor To More Memories?

[katz]

Sometimes I find it difficult to see myself as actually having a bad childhood. I look back and see all the wonderful things, like family vacations and girl scouts and sleep overs, ect. Then I read about what some other people have gone thru. It makes me want to just tell myself "you didn't have it bad, look what these other people went thru".
It takes a lot of thinking to convince me that my stuff was bad too. I have to re-remember some of the terrible things. ( I know that that is a terrible thing to do.) I have 5 "demons" to deal with, but I have something from each one that I can always remember that can convince me that it really happened. I also have a few photos of myself from childhood, and I can see how angry/hurt/upset that I was as a child.

But, I still have to learn how to "feel". The "adult me" is still trying to simply learn to cry and mourn some of the things that happened to "that poor little child". "She" still needs sooooo much love.

 

[Rainydaiz]

But, I still have to learn how to "feel". The "adult me" is still trying to simply learn to cry and mourn some of the things that happened to "that poor little child". "She" still needs sooooo much love.

Yes. I know. God this is so unbelievably hard isn't it? Struggling with it all at the moment.

 

[Panda Bear]

I'm new here, but can really understand what you're trying say. At least I think so. As a victim of CSA, most memories are gone with exception of the actual event(s) It self. Every so often, something totally off the wall and random will jump in out no where. Sometimes mid-day, sometimes in my dreams. Like, I'm talking to my kids....Hey, "who wants PB&J" and oh, hey...you remember that glass 5gal jug in the corner of the room of you abusers house? Freeze, panic, shake a second and then go forward. "Milk anyone?"

More often than not, tiny puzzle pieces will fly out of the box just after I have started or finished processing a traumatic memory or feeling in therapy. As if it made room for the smaller stuff to leak out.

Does that sound right?

 

[katz]

It is very sad. Really sorry. Glad you don't feel guilty- I don't any more. I know completely what you...

I understand where the guilt comes from! My family has the patent on it! We all grew up and were punished by guilt. All they had to do is look at us and sigh. Then we would feel terrible for days.

I also live near my folks. I see them only when needed. My sister needs my help once in a while. I have tried to learn not to listen to them when they try to make me feel bad. I know that one of my "demons" is my dad. But, I have not spoke to him about it. ( I publicly accused him once, many years ago. The family erupted! I felt traumatized again. So I have not mentioned it since.)

I decided that what I felt was more important then anything. So I don't think I will ever speak publicly in the family about this again. My father is over 90, he is very mentally alert so he can hold a conversation like a much younger person. But, I decided that if I were to speak to him about this, again--and he were to die. Then I would feel "the guilt" for the rest of my life.

I found a letter one day that was wrote to God. It was asking God for help. I have often wondered about showing this to him and watching his reaction. However, like I said, if he were to pass away soon after, I would blame myself. I've suffered enough.

I like to remind myself that when the time comes--he--like all of us, will be judged. I have the faith that he will get whatever his sentence is. Let Him be the judge.

One of the ideas that was suggested to me by my T was to write him a letter and place it in his casket at his funeral. This would give me a chance to speak my mind to him, and yet not disrupt anyone. And, most important, not feel the guilt.

I have not started the letter....I'm having a terrible time finding the right words and how to put them....

 

[Rainydaiz]

I'm new here, but can really understand what you're trying say. At least I think so. As a victim of...

So sorry Panda Bear - I haven't been on here for a while- lots of things happening- off work; mental health referral- dr told me I had to tell my sister about everything as a child protection issues for my niece and nephew or she's have to refer to Child Protection. Been a nightmare. And I've shut everything down since. So very sorry I haven't replied. Yes- you described what I'm experiencing. I had one the day I went off work. I went for a walk near a power station with my husband. The noise from it - fairly low humming suddenly brought back a detailed image of my mums hairdryer from the seventies. Every last detail. I can't even remember the layout of the living room in the house we grew up in. Or the kitchen. But that hairdryer was vivid. But I've had nothing since. And since I'm so shut down since having to tell my sister (who believed me!!!) I'm finding it all very difficult to believe and hold on to. Anyhow, thank you for replying and sorry it's taken me so long.

 

[Rainydaiz]

I understand where the guilt comes from! My family has the patent on it! We all grew up and were punished b...

Hi Katz sorry for the late reply. As you can see from my post to Pandabear things have been happening pretty rapidly here.
I'm sorry you had such a bad time telling. For me at the moment it feels as if the worst thing about it all was having to keep it to myself. To carry that awful weight. I have had a lot of relief from telling trusted friends and my therapist everything I remember. (Very little). But I've been lucky enough to have them believe me which is amazing for the child parts who weren't heard.
I'm now in a very awkward position of having to confront my parents. As I have just told my sister. That was great as she believed me completely. She didn't think it had ever happened to her. She has lots of memories that I don't have. The only validation she can give me is her belief- she doesn't remember anything and she is 5 years younger than me. But her belief taut dad could have done something like that says a lot.
However it brought up a lot of shame as I have never been able to be vulnerable in front of her and it shook me up a lot for a couple of weeks. Naturally she was devastated too. But she now needs to protect her children without mum and dad realising why. She has been avoiding so far but it's getting difficult for her so I real so I am going to have to confront soon. I'm dreading it. I just can't see how I can do that. Things will never be the same again. It's too big and too difficult. You were amazingly brave to have done that. Amazing! So sorry it was retraumatising. No wonder you haven't tried again. I understand your worry about your dad passing away- I worry my dad might kill himself. And my therapist said it wouldn't be my fault. But I don't want to have to live with that as well. It's unbelievable what damage is done at the point of abuse. Completely myriad. People would be amazed how damaging it is on so many levels.
Hope you are ok. Take care and thank you for your reply.

 

[katz]

Hi Katz sorry for the late reply. As you can see from my post to Pandabear things have been happening...

Rainydaiz
Thank you for your comforting note. I'm so glad to know that you have a sibling on your side to believe you. When I first started remembering, it was of the grandfather who had already passed away, so it was easy to "accuse and blame" him. I happen to have an older brother who was able to help me. He was able to tell me things about different members of the family and how we grew up and what made us into us. (He is in the therapist field)
The two of us studied the family dynamics for years! It helped me understand why our family is the way it is. He was also able to help me place some of the pictures that were in my head. He was able to remember things that I doubted myself about. Even things like the layout of my grandparents house.

* I like to tell people that the only family that is "not" dysfunctional is the Cleavers !!

The bad thing is that we have grown apart as the years have gone on. We see each other often, at the family functions and all. But, we don't talk like we used to. Sad.

Another odd thing that I need to tell someone is the great news that I finally-- after over 30 years-- found out where the picture in my head was from. Yeah! I had asked all my brother and sisters and no one remembered it or anything like it. Then while I was at the folks, helping mom with her Christmas cards. I asked her who this name was, I didn't recognize it. Dad- of all people - immediately knew who it was and then "all the puzzle pieces" fell in place. I had even been correct in the country where I remembered them from. I asked a few questions while pretending to be casual about it. But, inside I was so relieved! He confirmed everything--even the names and approx. ages of the kids. I quickly wrote it all down in my notes--so I didn't forget it again!.
I guess the sneaky way is sometimes the best way to get info! LOL