When You Share Your Feelings...

[DogwoodTree]

...do you feel closer to the person you shared them with (assuming they respond in a loving way)?

Like...here's a quote from an Link Removed that describes the phenomenon fairly well:

Equally important, sharing your inner feelings is likely to enhance the feeling of closeness between you.

"Intimacy" comes from the word "intima" Latin for the delicate and vulnerable linings of innermost body tissues. Share intimate feelings successfully and loving feelings are likely to flow.

Today in my session, we talked about how alone I feel inside, and then worked on trying to help me identify the feelings I have and share them in the conversation. I managed to discuss a fairly painful something my dad said to me, as well as make vague references to some other stuff (not enough time to go into detail on those things, or I would have). The T was attentive and responsive, appropriately calm and reassuring and validating. But...I still didn't feel any connection. I still feel just as alone and isolated inside as ever.

I tried to do the things I'm supposed to do...talking about the hard stuff, being present to my inner world and emotions, not shutting down, staying in the conversation. But it doesn't work. I feel no comfort from having shared those things.

 

[scout86]

.do you feel closer to the person you shared them with (assuming they respond in a loving way)?

No, that's not what I feel. Usually its pure unadulterated terror. Sometimes it's more "How could you be such an idiot! You KNOW this is going to turn out horribly!! What were you THINKING????" (Which isn't that far off from terror. LOL)

I had a conversation with my T awhile back about "talking about stuff." He, as you might expect, is in favor of "talking about stuff'. I said I really didn't see where it did much good. You can't change anything by talking about it. He said that, while that was logical, it was also not accurate. He says there's brain scan evidence to prove it. But, he also said that, when most of your experience has been that talking about stuff goes badly, you can be excused for not seeing the point. But that you can also change how you see that.

So maybe this takes practice? I find that, with the very very few people I've ever gotten to thinking that I actually WASN'T going to say anything that's going to make them hate me, sometimes talking is ok. Maybe someday it will even work the way it's "supposed to"?

 

[Ronin]

...do you feel closer to the person you shared them with (assuming they respond in a loving way)?

I don't. I still need to know what they're thinking and/or how they arrived to be so darned quirky as to respond in a loving way & if that's a pattern with them or what.

I find it easier to trust not-loving-way of reacting. I lean into it. Which is f*cked up. Working on it.

 

[DogwoodTree]

with the very very few people I've ever gotten to thinking that I actually WASN'T going to say anything that's going to make them hate me, sometimes talking is ok. Maybe someday it will even work the way it's "supposed to"?

Is there some level, though, where it IS helping? ...so you don't feel so alone inside of yourself? Maybe it doesn't feel "safe"...But it's a relief and feels like progress and (with that someone safe) you want to try sharing again?

 

[DogwoodTree]

I still need to know what they're thinking and/or how they arrived to be so darned quirky as to respond in a loving way & if that's a pattern with them or what.

This sounds to me like being afraid of the intimacy on a conscious level. But...you still have a choice, right? You can, as they somewhat-a-little-bit convince you that there are no ulterior motives...you can find connection and relief in that space?

 

[Ronin]

You can, as they somewhat-a-little-bit convince you that there are no ulterior motives...you can find connection and relief in that space?

Good questions, there.

If they don't, that'd be a complicated issue for me. That they might and for which reasons is the comfort zone for me, not the absence, that is distressing. Knowing what makes whom tick & how to play around it & how to not play at all is closer / intimacy.

 

[scout86]

Is there some level, though, where it IS helping?

There was a friend, years ago, where I eventually decided that there really might not be anything I could say that would make him hate me. I could disappoint him, but he, for reasons I've never understood, had decided he liked me and that was just the way it was. There was something pretty cool about that, for sure. And, I suppose, I didn't feel alone. But, in the back of my mind "nothing lasts forever" was very present. And then he died....

Now? My T honestly seems to like me. But, that's the way he's "supposed" to act, right? So it's different. And, I actually haven't trusted him with all that much that's hard to talk about. I guess, when I think about it, probably it "helps" on some level. But I'm also pretty sure, in what is probably a hyper-vigilant way, that the other shoe is going to drop sooner or later and I'll regret opening my stupid mouth. I guess it's a process and I haven't gotten very far with it yet.

I guess, where I'm at with most people these days, is that I'm more likely to disclose "the real me" or parts of her, than I was a few years ago. And I've been pleasantly surprised to find out there hasn't been a huge price to pay for that. Maybe, eventually, it will be like that article describes. Right now, it still feels like I'm taking a huge risk and I fully expect to pay a huge price. I think those pleasant surprises might build into a different way of experiencing things though.

I should add, this place here has done more for that than anything else. Many times, when I say something here, I come back later sure that I've said something "wrong" and everyone will hate me for it. That's never happened. People might disagree with an idea, but that hasn't turned in to a personal attack. I'm STILL kind of thinking "Holy cow! Who knew????" LOL

 

[ilumina]

...do you feel closer to the person you shared them with (assuming they respond in a loving way)?

L...

I feel the same way, there is a lonely part of me ...

 

[Suzetig]

This is a huge challenge for me, if I do share my thoughts and feelings I expect people not to want to be around me, to ridicule or get angry with me. Being close to someone else (emotionally) fills me with terror and panic - it can feel physically painful. I'm not good with intimacy and yes, in trying to stretch myself in therapy but it's so hard not to withdraw into myself.

Thing is, I think I've developed the skill of making people feel like they're close to me, when I know I'm holding them at a distance. It's such a reflex reaction that I don't know I'm doing it until I realise the relationship means more to them than it does to me. I would live to have close relationships that feel safe but I fear it's too late for me to learn how to open up.

 

[Gadgie]

This is a huge challenge for me, if I do share my thoughts and feelings I expect people not to want to be around me

That's what I really miss, having someone to share my thoughts and feelings with, as I used to be able to share all that with my late wife.

 

[Tinyflame]

...do you feel closer to the person you shared them with (assuming they respond in a loving way)?.. Share intimate feelings successfully and loving feelings are likely to flow.

Somewhere I think there's something out of context to me, here.

JMHO, but I think intimacy requires shared vulnerability, & that is frightening in the giving & receiving (because someone else entrusts a part of their heart to you as well).

But disclosure alone, whether it be eg to a paid T, or to a stranger in a bar, is not necessarily intimate (despite revealing intimate things about yourself). And considering the loaded content, not surprising at all how lousy & unsettled one feels after. That's because of the info & 'rules' broken (eg 'don't talk', or you won't be believed, or it's your fault, etc etc.)

I think I must have been the one to love more to be betrayed, as I did not do that. Whatever the case, in true ptsd fashion & bl-&-white thinking, I either feel there is trust or there isn't, professional relationships as well. And with little trust there is little or no intimacy, or 'good feelings', no matter how someone responds.. How someone is or how they respond has to be true. And they can lie or put on an act or use it against you at their choice later. If one has experienced that they're going to be extremely cautious or not risk it.

Personally I choose carefully where my heart is put. I can also be grateful without emotional risk.

 

[DogwoodTree]

And, I suppose, I didn't feel alone. But, in the back of my mind "nothing lasts forever" was very present. And then he died....

I'm sorry. That sucks.

And I've been pleasantly surprised to find out there hasn't been a huge price to pay for that. Maybe, eventually, it will be like that article describes. Right now, it still feels like I'm taking a huge risk and I fully expect to pay a huge price.

This sounds like a trust issue, which is, of course, valid. I think I tend to trust people too easily with my story (while still not having a clue how to share my emotions about all of that). But when I share it, even if they respond in a healthy and supportive way, and even if I have a fairly stable relationship with that person (like people at church in my small group, like my Ts, like a couple of friends I meet with regularly for dinner)...there's no comfort or satisfaction in having shared. There's just emptiness.

There's no sense of connection in it for me, even if it's shared in a mutual give-and-take where both of us have shared painful pieces of our past...really, I've found opportunities to set up what seems like the "ideal" situation for experiencing support and emotional intimacy, and it doesn't work, ever. Nothing they offer gets "inside," even when I fully believe that what they're offering is healthy and wholesome and honest. It just doesn't connect on the inside at all. I'm still just as alone as when I started (maybe even more so, because I'm losing hope that I will ever feel connected with people...that I will ever feel love on the inside). It's like my emotions exist in complete isolation from the rest of the world, trapped inside with no way to get out, and no way to let love in.

I don't know whether this is because of all-my-childhood-chronic trauma, or if it's from Asperger's, or if it's extensive dissociation resulting from both of those. But I have no sense of emotional connection with people. I feel love for other people, like my DH and kids, but I never feel it coming in (even though I can identify things they do to express their love for me). There's nothing anyone says or does that connects with the pain inside, or that helps me feel less alone inside. So I've worked hard to be more "present" to myself, to know myself better, to find stability within rather than looking for it outside...but the isolation is still suffocating.

I don't know how to get past this. I have no sense of what I'm supposed to "do" next to fix this. Mindfulness says...just sit with it. So I'm trying. But damn. What's so wrong with me that I can't receive comfort from other people?

Many times, when I say something here, I come back later sure that I've said something "wrong" and everyone will hate me for it. That's never happened.

Personally, I love your posts. You're one of those people I watch for your posts in a thread because of the insights you bring.

People might disagree with an idea, but that hasn't turned in to a personal attack.

This has been quite the revelatory experience for me, too. To be able to disagree, and still respect each other and everyone's opinions? It's very affirming. And I love hearing all the different perspectives stated respectfully. Helps me think about things in new ways.