Sexual Assault Tw Stopping My Emotions

[Mosaic]

This is the first post I've talked about my assault, I feel like I need to.

I have been seemingly doing really well lately on the outside but I know that doesn't bode well for whatever's going on in my subconscious, for one thing my nightmares have been coming back.

I have my trauma written down specifically for times like this, I have a real problem with completely shutting off my emotions and not allowing myself to focus on the memories when they come. My therapist said by reading it I can make myself connect my emotions and let myself feel everything I've been stopping myself from feeling. My account goes into a lot more detail than this, I don't wish to share the worst on here and I think other sufferers would struggle to read it.

I've been going through a long shutting off phase. It's like the memory keeps coming and tapping me on the shoulder every now and again but I keep shooing it away even though I can feel its presence behind me.

He was someone I was seeing at the time and we were in a sexual relationship, there were times he acted strange but I try not to tell myself I could've seen it coming.
I was just waking up and he was immediately trying to kiss and touch me, I refused and told him to stop but he didn't. I was completely pinned down and he had sex with me while I struggled and told him to stop, I have problems with my rotator cuffs in my shoulders since from fighting against the amount of weight that was pinning my wrists.
He would stop after a few minutes and as soon as I tried to escape he would grab me again. He did it over and over, 4 times in total, I don't know how much more it would have gone on if he hadn't heard his flat mate going out and went to say goodbye giving me the chance to get my clothes on and leave while I could.
I told him to stop again and again but once he was inside me I couldn't speak, I fought like hell but it felt like I was making 0 difference as he's a huge muscular bloke, over 6ft and 90kg of weight on me. I know I should've screamed but it took so much for me to push past my freeze response and fight back let alone to scream, and what makes it sicker, his flat mates 3 year old daughter was in the flat, I could hear her running up and down the hallway, also that his flat mate is a police detective.


I try to be as strong as I can, trying to ignore the memories and shut it all out. Every time I let it in I feel like a weak damaged victim.
It's creeping up on me though, out of nowhere I'll be home alone after work and I'll just feel like slitting my wrist. I won't let the impulses get to me, it's just a fleeting feeling that washes over me. I haven't told anyone I've been feeling like it because I know I won't act on it, my boyfriend would just want me to go back to therapy.

I've been very reluctant to post this as even the concept of asking for help on here is making me feel weak but there we have it.

I'm really sorry if this has triggered anyone, I've tried to leave out as much detail as possible.

 

[kona355]

Trigger warning, this is the first post I've talked about my assault, I feel like I need to.

I have bee...

It is a sign of your strength to have the courage to share this.

 

[Friday]

I'm really sorry if this has triggered anyone, I've tried to leave out as much detail as possible.

<grin> First off... Don't worry about this. Ever. We don't even do trigger warnings on here, and many people use their public trauma diaries as exposure therapy trauma diaries... Writing down all of the worst of the worst. You don't need to worry about us. There's no possible way for anyone here to know anyone else's triggers, much less everyone's triggers. From coffee & kittens, to rape & kidnapping... We look out for ourselves & mind our own triggers. You posted this in Sexual Assault. Therefore anyone reading this? Prewarned. PTSD means we've lived through some gruesome shit. This ain't a stubbed your toe or feel better forum. This is a PTSD forum. You're just fine. :)

I've been very reluctant to post this as even the concept of asking for help on here is making me feel weak but there we have it.

One of my hands down biggest challenges, also. One thing I remind myself? Something I tell my son; "Brave isn't not being afraid. It's being afraid, and doing it anyway." I am core afraid of showing weakness. Exposed, exposed, exposed, haul ass. Coming back? Day after day with cold anxiety in my belly? Chips away at the fear. Builds the very strength I'm afraid of losing. My gut tells me that's backwards & wrong; melt away, ghost, disappear, fake normal, blend. But my experience tells me the exact opposite; Go for fear's throat.

Strength to you.

 

[WillyKat]

...but I try not to tell myself I could've seen it coming.

That's good. Keep going in that direction. You couldn't have seen it coming. No one could have foreseen that. Of course you know that going the opposite direction is just self-blame.

I agree that writing of it here is a sign of great strength.

It's fairly common too for us to have the ideation about ending it all. It's based on a wish that we could be free of the pain, that it would all go away, that we could flip a switch and the lights are on. It gets expressed the way it does because we've been programmed to think like that. Our culture keeps telling us that problems are solved with explosions, hammers, bullets, pills...you name it. Life doesn't work that way, and it especially doesn't work that way with PTSD.

You've started down a good path, which you must complete in baby steps and small, attainable goals. There's no mighty sword that with one blow can slay this beast.

 

[Mosaic]

@FridayJones thank you, I didn't think about that with the triggers, I just haven't wrote much about it before and didn't like the idea of making someone feel upset but you're right, this is a thread on sexual assault in a PTSD forum.

Strength to you also.

 

[Mosaic]

@WillyKat it is exhausting having these thoughts because I don't want to die. I'll be going through day to day as normal, not thinking much of anything at all then all of a sudden it's just a moment of "I don't want to do this" despite that at that moment, I'm not even doing or thinking anything really.

Life itself just feels exhausting but even in the thoughts I have, an image of slashing my wrist clean open, feels more like doing it as an outlet and like it would make me feel better or give me some sort of relief, not always death.
Last night I cried, only lightly, but it's rare I don't generally do it or if I do its when I'm by myself and only for a few minutes and then I'll clean myself up and act completely fine again to everyone else, I've always had a very good mask.

I really felt like doing something to relieve myself last night, cutting usually gives relief but I've sworn off it for a year now and covered my scars with a tattoo so instead I drew a few lines across my wrist where I visualised cutting and it made me feel a lot better, I think I'm onto a good coping strategy with that one.

 

[WillyKat]

Oh, I have a closet full of masks. I'm generally known as even tempered, rarely excitable. A former boss even described me once as "malleable". Basically, I spent much of my life as a robot, always a different person to meet the needs of the occasion.

I once tried to be an asshole, just for the variety, but I wasn't very good at it. Then I had a reputation at work of being grumpy. How do you like that? I was going for asshole and only achieved grumpy. So gave up after a couple of months.

I was just tired of being thought of as easy going.

I think that part of the healing process is to live on the surface of the Earth, not under the rocks, always hiding. And you've taken a step in that direction by telling us your story.

One thing I did that...well, it wasn't a "mistake" but I wish I had done it differently. I had it as a goal to shout my story from rooftops. Maybe someday I'll get there, but you have to work up to it. So I wrote letters to my brothers and best friends telling them about being molested/raped at age six. My shrink at the time asked me to carefully consider how each person would react before contacting them. That little exercise made me slow down and avoid telling people that wouldn't respond in a helpful way. One person didn't respond at all, and I regret telling her. But the others reacted much as I expected and were supportive. I still wear a mask at work and much of the time, but not always.

 

[Mosaic]

@WillyKat I get the robot thing, mine's more smiling all the time and laughing and acting over-confident - at the same time trying to make out like I'm made of steel and nothing could hurt me. An old colleague asked me once if I can even cry because I give off such a strong faced impression.
Lately in my new job it's been harder as I work right in the middle of my town centre and my boss recently asked me to go ask shops if we could put up posters in their window or staff room and I was having a very anxious day and came back shaking, he's made a couple of 'jokes' since about how he thought I was a fearless go-getter and it turns out I'm an anxious scaredy-cat.

The face still works on most of the world though, people I've never even spoken to have said that once they had got to know me I am very nice yet as a stranger they have thought I could be much older than I am and am very confident and even intimidating (this is partly down to the fact that I spent majority of my time in the gym - I'm a personal trainer)

It's funny how often asshole and grumpy are confused, you usually see it the other way around! I'm glad you took the step you did with writing your letters. Just because you didn't get a response from that one person shouldn't make you regret sending it to her. We all handle news differently and some people choose just to not handle it at all. Try to make peace with your decision, telling them was the right thing, these days people are more ashamed to admit to being a victim than to admit to being an abuser!
All the best.

 

[ghotiff]

I didn't read your whole post (I'm sensitive) but I'm so impressed that you could share your story. I haven't shared mine with anyone and I'm not sure I ever will be able to.

 

[Mosaic]

@ghotiff thank you for reading what you could it says a lot about your own recovery that you tried whilst knowing its content.