Never Thought Of Myself As Abused

[Changing4Best]

My parents grounded me for 3 months because I had skipped school one day with some friends in the 8th grade. I never skipped school again after that. I think 3 months was a good amount of time to be grounded, but YEARS? My goodness, how abusive, I agree!

 

[Tom S. in Tn.]

The damn social worker I was seeing had this grand epiphany one day, but as for me it has never been a specific or revelation moment. Personally, it's rather an ongoing learning of what the law constitutes as abuse or in my case the statutory rape of a child under the age of 6 vs play. The older I get the more I realize the damage, but never an understanding of the underlying cause and at this stage of life, never will.

But ........... so what. Being male in our present day culture constitutes I rationalize my life's experiences alone, which there has been no problem doing over the course of my life. I'm human.
I totally understand not staying to yourself heightens risk of further secondary abuse. They've made it quite clear.
Merely reaching out can result in an individual being forced to re-prioritize personal attitudes toward the 5'th commandment and the 2'nd amendment. Simply unsafe.

Watching the rest of the world declared as victims and offered endless sympathetic help is the whole basis of my problems and anger. Tom S. in Tn.

 

[shimmerz]

Watching the rest of the world declared as victims and offered endless sympathetic help is the whole basis of my problems and anger.

If it helps any, Tom, I am not one of the ones that was extended any sympathetic help or declared a victim. You might find a few of us around here.

 

[_demolition.lovers_]

I am constantly told that the things my mother does is abusive, and sometimes I think she has been, but I feel that I am making things up? Yet other times, things at home get so bad that I want to die. I've thought of running away, but I'm scared of what would happen in terms of police involvement.
I do most of the chores around the house, am basically not allowed to go anywhere, and my mom has been physically violent(?) with me. I've had bruises, but I feel like it's not abuse unless I get a black eye or a broken limb.
My mom knows that I'm mentally ill, and I think she uses that to her advantage when she wants me to do something. We get into screaming matches a lot, but I always seem to forgive her... even though she doesn't apologize.
I think I'm in denial, but I'm not sure.

 

[Ronin]

running away, but I'm scared of what would happen in terms of police involvement.

So what about thinking of ways to get out, without involving the police?

Nobody has a right to imprison you & beat you, just because they are your parent. If there's anyone crossing the law, it's your mother, not you. You're not in trouble.

 

[Ejectionseatfixr-ESF]

I am wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences through their therapy (or perhaps at a friend...

Yes absolutely can relate. I spent all of my fathers third marriage in my room, pounding myself in the leg for being such a loser and being sent to my room once again. It never occurred to me that it was abuse until I started connecting the dots to those I had severe resentments against- her for doing it and my father for not only allowing it, but endorsing it even when 90% of the time it was fabricated. Also not being allowed to engage in activities all my friends were learning and growing in.

 

[jaccat]

I struggled with this for a long time because of the difference in the way I was treated compared to my father and brothers. They were physically attacked by my mother on a pretty much daily basis while she ignored me. What right did I have to claim abuse? It wasn't until my T started pointing out just how severe was the level of physical and emotional neglect that I experienced that I started to wonder. The idea that neglect, in itself, could be (was) abuse was strange to me, and I struggled with it for a long time. Then I came upon this quote in a book I was reading:

"A witness to violence is a victim of violence."

And something just clicked. I don't question it any more.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Interesting topic. While I was growing up, I think I was too busy hiding in real-time or in my mind to recognize that what was going on was abuse/neglect. I just thought my mother was the mother of all broom-riders and that she married jerks. That the bullies at school were just that, bullies.

As an adult, I knew my boyfriend was a jerk, but because my thinking and behaviors were already so messed up, I don't think I emotionally recognized his behavior as abusive, although I did tell him he was abusive and I eventually left him.

The first time I was told I was sexually abused was by a therapist in my 40's. She told me everything about myself. She didn't ask me a lot of anything. What she did with me was unconscionable, but was it abusive?

So, I find myself thinking I had some not so hot parents and step-parents, who said and did some really mean things. Some failed relationships and definitely interaction with some morally questionable practitioners. I think there is a dammed up river of anger that I'm afraid of unleashing, so I concentrate more on what I can change - my thinking and my behaviors.

In answer to your question, I don't think I can emotionally acknowledge that I've been abused, but my mind gets it chapter and verse.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes I don't know where the lines are. Between actions, intentions, other-standing reasons for the behaviour of others. re: 'abuse', etc etc.. Let alone what I deserve, etc. And wrapping my mind around neglect is well, (feels) bizarre.

 

[crazyhorse69]

My mother nearly murdered me when I was 8 years old and it took three years in recovery to slowly dig up these old repressed memories that I'd tried to forget, however, those early life experiences which occur during development effect the direction and course of the rest of our lives, Denial is were alot of us spend alot of time, and of course we consider whatever behavior mother had as normal because as a 8 year old, there's no other female references to compare her behavior with.

I know you don't want to believe this, but from your true life experience, it sounds as if you were in a miniature POW camp., grounding is one thing, long term grounding as you mention really isn't grounding, it's much worse than that, of course you have no other reference to compare things to, so once again it becomes normal for you.

 

[Acro Amazon Warrior]

I am wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences through their therapy (or perhaps at a friend...

Yes!! I told my therapist about the neighborhood boy who would often pull me to the floor, dig his nails to my skin, grab me by the hair, while groping me and delivering intense, slobbery kisses. All this I did not ask for or know what to think of because I was four when it started, but I still remember clearly how dizzying and discomforting it felt...

Also, when I told therapist about my mother digging her nails into my skin and throwing (yes, through the air) into the pitch black closet and holding the door shut, knowing I was deathly afraid of the dark. And, the fact that her favorite strategy to teach me to stop wetting the bed in first grade was, if I peed my pants, she'd tie them around my face so I can smell my own foul stench. This is a strange method of potty training, but I had no reason to think it was unusual for the next 20 years until talking about it to someone with an outside viewpoint.

And, he mentioned that having been separated from my parents for a year in a forgein country with relatives must have been psychologically damaging bc 2-3 years old's don't understand "sweetie, you're staying here until us parents get your travel documents sorted out." Of course I don't remember this bc it was at a pre-memory age, but I ways thought it was not that big a deal bc They presented it as such. Another thing I don't remember: big brother punching me in the face at age 2, but I still have the scar over 20 years later so I assume it must've been traumatic to little toddler me...

In fact, I thought everything about my early childhood was perfectly normal, and that I got PTSD solely from having battled a deadly disease and being stuck in a medical malpractice case for 3 years. But of course, it's up to me what I make of all of it, and I feel very self-empowered when I can incorporate my emotions and perspectives into my art of music.