Relationship Rebound Relationships And Dating Websites

[Wastinglight]

A couple of weeks ago, I was made aware that my ex is back on the dating websites again. Yes, already. It’s only been 6 weeks since we broke up, so that means he pretty much got straight back on there, immediately after kicking me out the door. Naturally I found this news to be very upsetting. It makes me feel like he never really loved me at all, and given the recurring problems in our relationship regarding his use of dating websites, it has stirred up all my fears and mistrust and makes me wonder if I can ever trust someone again.

But aside from feeling upset (which I think is a reasonable reaction to have, in a situation such as this) more than anything I feel disappointed. After the breakup, he acknowledged to me that he had issues that caused problems in the relationship, and he gave me the impression that he was planning to address those issues. That’s certainly what I’m going to spend the next 6-12 months doing, and I won’t be even entertaining the notion of another relationship until I have processed this breakup, given myself time to grieve the loss of the relationship, and done some serious work on my maladaptive schemas. I thought he was doing likewise. I am disappointed also because I still care about the guy, and I genuinely want to see him happy – even if it’s not with me. But I’m thinking that dating someone else straightaway is not the best way to achieve this. I think it’s more likely to end with him getting hurt again – and hurting other people at the same time.

Now, I understand that plenty of people jump straight back into the dating pool immediately after a breakup, for a whole bunch of reasons. But for the life of me, I can’t think of a single GOOD reason why someone would do this. I can think of plenty of really, really bad reasons, however, that to me, signify that that person is avoiding their problems, not addressing them. Especially when we’re talking about someone who told me that he’s not ready for a relationship right now (his words). I don’t do rebound relationships/flings myself, and I personally think it’s incredibly dishonest to start dating again so soon after a breakup. In my opinion, someone who does that lacks integrity in a really big way.

Am I seriously projecting here? Just because I wouldn’t do something like this, is it then fair of me to think badly of him for doing so? I’ve spoken to a few people about this, and their reactions have ranged from “Oh wow, that IS pretty soon to get back into dating” to “OMFG, what a total ASSHOLE!” I have yet to encounter anyone who thinks it’s totally cool to pull this kind of shit.

And yes, I know, I know. I absolutely should not be concerning myself with what he’s doing now. He has rejected me completely and therefore I shouldn’t be caring about what he is or isn’t doing, now that we’re broken up. And I truly wish that I hadn’t been told he was back on the dating sites (even though I was already 99% certain that he was – somehow, it still hurts just as much when your suspicions are confirmed). Especially since I've been doing really well lately.

But this isn't about him. It's about me. Because I’m an anxious overthinker who is still very much in pain after being rejected by someone I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I AM thinking about it. And since I am thinking about it, I need a reality check. I need to find a way to process this, remove my emotion from the situation, and let it go. How do I let it go?

Opinions, advice, commiserations and kicks-up-the-arse are all welcome.

 

[scout86]

I have yet to encounter anyone who thinks it’s totally cool to pull this kind of shit.

It's not. But the only people it's hurting are him and anyone else who gets involved. I suppose there's a chance things could work out better the next time. Like if he found someone with some rather unhealthy co-dependent tendencies. I don't think this is about him being a jerk. I think it's about him not seeing the situation very clearly. And probably doing all he can to stay distracted enough that he doesn't HAVE to see it clearly.

I don't see this as a commentary on how he felt/feels about you. (Other than that he feels the need to distract himself, so he must have felt SOMETHING, right?) It's a commentary on him and his way of dealing with things. If you stay busy enough, there's a lot of things you can avoid noticing. Until you try to do something like sleep.....

 

[Sighs]

Ever hear the term 'monkey bar relationships'? You know how as a kid playing on the monkey bars you have to make sure you have a nice firm grip on the bar in front of you BEFORE you let go of the one behind you otherwise you fall off? Some of us just don't want to fall off the relationship monkey bars!

Or there is the theory that 'the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else". And sometimes it really is.

Maybe, just maybe, he is being much more honest with the women he is meeting now about what level of relationship / commitment he can handle. And maybe he isn't. Either way you are not responsible for his new relationships.

As far as processing it, the reality is that you are not together. Therefore he is free to be on dating websites, free to visit prostitutes, free to be celibate for the rest of his life. Whatever he wants to do. And so are you.

I'm guessing that for you its more about your suspicions that he was on the sites during your relationship. At least, that would be the bit that would upset me! Trust is earned. It may be a useful measure of how ready you are to be in a new relationship. When you feel that you could allow someone to earn your trust you'll be ready.

Hugs if you accept them!

 

[Wastinglight]

Ever hear the term 'monkey bar relationships'?

I had a friend who used to do that. Never broke up with a guy until she had someone else on the hook. She caused no end of pain to a lot of people doing things that way. Careless and very unnecessary. Some of the guys she did that to were my friends - I had to pick up the pieces after she'd wreaked her havoc. Hence why I have very strict rules about how I conduct myself when dating. Why hurt someone like that when you don't need to?

Or there is the theory that 'the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else". And sometimes it really is.

Hm, I think we'll have to agree to disagree on that one. Never seen it do anything other than make a bloody big mess and cause a lot more pain, to even more people. Not unless it happens a good while down the track - certainly not in the first few months after a breakup. In my experience, people usually do things like that out of spite, and they end up regretting their actions, when they do stuff like that straight after a breakup. But like I said, my rules are pretty hard and fast when it comes to affairs of the heart.

Maybe, just maybe, he is being much more honest with the women he is meeting now about what level of relationship / commitment he can handle.

Yeah, maybe. But I can't see him saying things like "Hi, I think you're cute. I'd like to chat/sext/f*ck but I've just come out of a serious relationship and I want this to happen entirely on my terms - I want to be able to pick up and put down our "relationship" whenever I want and I don't want you to have any expectations of me whatsoever. So, you keen?" Cos that's honest. Won't get him any dates though. Nah, I think it's more likely he'll just lie through his teeth. Like a lot of other people on dating websites. He'll fit right in.

I'm guessing that for you its more about your suspicions that he was on the sites during your relationship.

Yes, there's that. But it's also that I don't recognise him anymore. The way he's acted in the last few months - he's not the person I fell in love with. It feels like he's gone back on every single thing he ever said to me. I thought he was a good guy. Now I don't know. Good guys don't act the way he has been acting. So does this mean I'm a really bad judge of character?

But the only people it's hurting are him and anyone else who gets involved.

I think it's about him not seeing the situation very clearly

It's a commentary on him and his way of dealing with things.

Agreed. That's what is making me so sad. Because, as angry and hurt as I am right now, I still really care about him, I want him to progress in his recovery and I want him to find happiness. And right now, it just feels like he's going further down the wrong path. I know it's not my problem any more. But I can't just snap my fingers and stop caring about him. I dunno, I guess people do all sorts of crazy stuff after a breakup. Maybe this is what he feels he needs to do to move on. I just wish I didn't know anything about it.

 

[Sighs]

I think it comes down to honesty. That's important to you. (As it is to most people!)

Monkey bar relationships are awful because they inevitably involve dishonesty. The new relationship usually thinks the old relationship has ended. Meanwhile the old relationship doesn't realise there is a new relationship.

As to getting under someone else - well, again it comes down to honesty. As long as the someone else knows that's all it is and they are ok with it then I don't have a problem with it, but if the someone else thinks its an actual relationship rather than a booty call - well that's dishonest and will cause hurt.

Maybe the real issue here is this - either he was dishonest about who he is when he was with you or he is being dishonest about who he is now. I think its understandable to be upset about that.

 

[Sighs]

BTW - this:

But I can't see him saying things like "Hi, I think you're cute. I'd like to chat/sext/f*ck but I've just come out of a serious relationship and I want this to happen entirely on my terms - I want to be able to pick up and put down our "relationship" whenever I want and I don't want you to have any expectations of me whatsoever. So, you keen?"

is actually pretty common on dating sites. I have no idea who answers those men but I have seen almost exactly that on the sites!

:rolleyes:

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Wastinglight , I think whatever you feel is right, for you.

May I say something very personal? (Just disregard it if not helpful).. I have a relative caught her 10 year-relationship partner cheating, or planning to. He has a long history of such. However, though devastated she signed up for one of these sites for the first time ever, & in 24 hours has had about 40+ requests, including as simple as coffee, going out, texting, msgs, calls etc. (It's not specifically a hook-up or meet up group etc). Anyway, the men are all within a 10 minute drive except for one, one is a very public figure in the city, one is widowed, one says he was cheated on, one is a single parent, one just lost his mom. Etc. If nothing else (much like the forum here), it is a source of distraction but also on a more 'real' level, creates some interest in others' needs etc. She does not have ego though. Like you she cares too much. But I could see how it could either fuel ego, or conversely in a good way be positive.

Similarly, the less you care the worse it is (ie, you get asked out often). I keep getting asked out, & I am battling SI, & look like the wreak of the Hesprise (sp?). ( Even my feet are swollen! :( )

What I think, as a person with ptsd, is that you don't know where, when, how or if he will get his 'stuff' together. Or how or when it's best he 'should'.And yes your relationship was unique. However, YOU are also unique. Very, very unique.

Personally I do not regret relationships I ended, or that ended. I know I am & can be a handful. Maybe I am not worth it. But likewise, even with my lousy self-esteem I know how I love & what I give. So do you, if not more so (& without ptsd, too).

More trustworthy people will be more trustworthy. I don't know his capacity, I do have an idea of yours. I wish you in the future someone who not only recognizes your heart, capacity & goodness, but values & treasures it & acts with gratitude for how lucky they are to have you in their life. :hug:

 

[Wastinglight]

BTW - this:


is actually pretty common on dating sites. I have no idea who answers those men but I have...

Oh. My. God. Who responds to people like that?! Jesus. This is why I stay off dating websites - it's like some like of mecca for emotionally unavailable people. Ick.

 

[Tinyflame]

ETA, oh @Sighs we shall have to tell them to be more direct, lol. :rolleyes:

 

[Tinyflame]

They're all around irl too, lol. I always find it funny, when I compare what they're thinking to what I'm thinking at most moments, lol. :rolleyes:

(I said to my relative today shouldn't they be advance-shopping for Big Screen tv's or something like that? -> Black Friday? :) )

:hug:

 

[Sighs]

Lol - you gotta sift - a lot - on dating websites! But then, you gotta sift at the pub too.

 

[Wastinglight]

May I say something very personal? (Just disregard it if not helpful).

Please. This is why I post on this forum. Because I am seeking honest opinions and I am always open to alternative points of view.

If nothing else (much like the forum here), it is a source of distraction but also on a more 'real' level, creates some interest in others' needs etc.

Yes. There's even a name for this behaviour, when it's ego-driven: Attention Collecting. Some people like to "collect" attention from other people, especially on dating sites, so they can reassure themselves that they are still awesome and they don't need to change anything about themselves. And who cares if a real someone is on the receiving end of their flippant behaviour, amiright? As long as they feel good about themselves temporarily.

It's on my list of really, really bad reasons why people use dating sites.

But you're right, maybe it will turn out well for him. But the only way I can see it happening is if he meets someone who he is so totally and continually besotted with that he truly wants to make the necessary changes in his life to make a healthy relationship possible, and keeps trying, year after year (and not just give up after, oh, about 15 months, when things start feeling a bit hard). If that happens, well, yay for him!

I don't know his capacity, I do have an idea of yours. I wish you in the future someone who not only recognizes your heart, capacity & goodness, but values & treasures it & acts with gratitude for how lucky they are to have you in their life. :hug:

Thank you. Yes, I will never again chase after a man who Just Isn't That Into Me.

Maybe I am not worth it.

Piffle. You are amazing and I have always valued your advice.