Relationship Rebound Relationships And Dating Websites

[Wastinglight]

Lol - you gotta sift - a lot - on dating websites! But then, you gotta sift at the pub too.

Hence why neither dating sites nor pubs are on my list of Good Places To Meet Decent Men.

 

[Tinyflame]

You are dear @Wastinglight . :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I can't get it to quote , but I think he's in to himself, & himself alone. What he's done says everything about him, not about you.

 

[Sighs]

if he meets someone who he is so totally and continually besotted with that he truly wants to make the necessary changes in his life

This ^^^ will not happen. Falling in love is great but it does not result in massive lifelong changes. Regardless of whether he fell in love with you or someone else. He will only change when HE is ready to change for HIMSELF. And then it will be a long, hard battle with two steps forward one step backwards.

You are doing the right thing by focusing on your own personal growth. You can't drag him with you so you need to leave him behind. Hugs!

 

[Wastinglight]

This ^^^ will not happen. Falling in love is great but it does not result in massive lifelong changes. R...

You are probably right. The idealist in me still wants everyone to be happy and in love, and every relationship to have a happy ending. But this is real life, and real life kinda sucks sometimes. Like you say, just gotta keep working on my own self-development.

Thank you all for your advice, it's is always appreciated.

 

[nursenurse]

Eventually you will give up on wanting anything for him. You are still smarting, and it is almost like you need to convince yourself that you are nice, that you are worthwhile, because his actions made you feel like you aren't. We already think you are nice, smart, a wonderful person, and more. He's the jerk, and if you don't want to say it, I will. I hope he gets crabs.

 

[Wastinglight]

Eventually you will give up on wanting anything for him. You are still smarting, and it is almost lik...

Oh bless your heart, @nursenurse! I don't hope that he gets crabs or anything else bad, but still, you made me laugh so hard, the tea I was drinking came out my nose....

 

[Sweetpea76]

Big ole hungry crabs!!

 

[Peach]

Ewww, gross! LOL

It takes me about 6 months before I start thinking that I'm ready to meet someone new and try again.

I've done the internet dating and Meetup group routes a few times. Yep, you can meet some freaks and guys that are only out for some fun, for sure, but you can also meet some very nice, genuine men, too. I've met several, we didn't have any chemistry though. They were good catches, just not for me. :p

As for meeting men, in person is best, but in situations like mine, I live in a tiny town and the pool is pretty shallow. I figure the best markets are school, work, and church. I don't go to church, had nixed all the men in and around my work after many years, and wasn't going to school. That only left me with my dear friend, the Internet.

I know it's still weird, but you can take your time and hopefully you'll find Mr. Right the next time!

 

[nursenurse]

I think it was Sweet Pea who wished the same crabs on my Dude, maybe a bit more descriptive than what I posted :)

 

[Wastinglight]

It takes me about 6 months before I start thinking that I'm ready to meet someone new and try again.

Yes, I'm the same. After my second-to-last relationship, which spanned 15 years, I didn't date at all for 2 years, and I was the one who ended that relationship, because I didn't love the guy anymore. I waited so long because I didn't trust myself to "have my own back", and make good decisions while dating. I didn't want to get hurt, but more importantly, I didn't want to hurt anyone else - it didn't seem fair to inflict my dodgy love habits on anyone else! Plus it took more than a year for me to stop blaming everything on my ex, and come to the realisation that it was MY bad choices and MY emotionally-unavailable behaviour that had got me where I was - it wasn't 100% his fault. I had to face a lot of hard truths about myself, and it was not fun to look that deeply inside myself. It took me a long time to learn how to take responsibility for my own unhealthy behaviours, while at the same time, not taking responsibility for my partner's unhealthy behaviour as well. It's a balancing act, and it's always hard to do, especially when emotions get in the way. I have certainly been guilty of engaging in codependent behaviour in the past - and even a little bit in this last relationship. So I need to own that, and address that, for next time. Because I know that things won't get better, and I won't find the loving, committed relationship I want, until I do that work on myself. And more to the point, I won't find happiness (alone or with a man) until I do that work. It's hard slog though.

As for meeting men, in person is best,

Yes, I agree. You can't truly get to know someone online - it's way too easy to hide parts of yourself from the other person if you're only interacting online. Sooner or later, you still have to spend time with them in person before you can be sure they're genuine and a decent person - see what they're like in a range of situations, how they act when things aren't going well, and how they treat other people. But yeah, it's a way of meeting people. There are plenty of other ways of meeting people. I have to laugh when people say "Online dating is the ONLY way I can meet potential dates!" Seriously? Online dating has only been a thing for the last 10 years or so. What do you think people did before that? They put themselves out there in the real world, that's what! Get out there and do things you enjoy, and someone awesome will turn up eventually!

 

[nursenurse]

I did the on line dating thing for a bit after the Dude, at the urging of a friend who just wanted me to look at profiles, see what's out there and know that there are still good guys out there. I got two dates out of it, one was with Mr. "Meh", but we had an awesome date tooling around the Niagara River on one of those jet boat things, the other I called "Santa" because he looked had him complete with elfin ears. We (Santa and I)were maybe a half hour into the date just chit chatting about family, I told him my daughter had just bought a house. Across the table comes his business card for me to have her call him. Mobile mortgage broker. As if. Did not pay for my drink either, but painted himself on line as Mr. Wonderful. Yeah, Mr. Wonderfully Cheap and Opportunistic. The next two guys to contact me were scam artists (I am well versed at picking those ones out) that I reported to the site. They were pulled off. And then I said good bye to the site. Paying for what...? Liars and losers. Even my friend, who met her current beau on line almost three years ago, basically has no intimate contact (wink wink nudge nudge) and he refuses to go for help. This was something that there before they started dating. As well she just found out that he is still married to the supposed ex wife - his sister drunkenly slipped up at a family function. He sees that not as a big deal. Not sure what she will do. I have met him, and he is otherwise good to her and seems really nice, but that is a major thing to leave out.

And so for me, post Dude, I have decided that there will be no more active looking, on or offline, and I have become even happier with myself than before I met him. My life is rich and full. I travel for work, I travel to volunteer, and then I travel just for the heck of it. I see my family and grand kids and keep up with all of my friends who were there for me when I left the Ex Boy (hubby) years ago, and when the Dude turned out to be Mr. WTF. Some of them are from grade school back when the dinosaurs roamed the earth.

For your guy being on dating site, he is likely appearing charming and affable. Let him at it. I hope he meets a crab with crabs. Worry about your happiness, not his. I know you can't just turn off the caring, no one can. But as you said, you can work on you, making the best life for yourself that you can. A good life well lived will be a better kick to his can than critters in his privates (although the thought of that is wickedly delightful if you ever get to that stage). Probably better for you than wishing revenge otherwise ;) Hugs to you!