I haven't forgiven my father and I never will. In fact, I hate him and I am well justified in hating him. I don't and will never let that hate be a driving force in my life or a dominant emotion. It's very healthy to be angry and we all have a right to be angry with our abuser. Forgiveness is not for everyone and for some it just encourages them into being into a behavioural pattern consistent with a victim. You have every right to hate your father, to never forgive him if you don't want to and to have nothing to do with him if you don't want to. It's very easy for your friend to spout off 'forgive, forgive' and I'm sure she's well meaning, but she clearly doesn't understand PTSD and it doesn't necessarily mean it's what's best for you. That's up to only one person - you. You get to be in control now - not anyone else.
I have nothing to do with my father. For me, that's the best thing I ever did, because not only did he abuse me as a child, he was manipulative and eroded my confidence any chance he got. Seeing him also acted as a PTSD trigger and my symptoms were always highly active if I had anything to do with him.
Many might think it's spiteful or viscous, but for me, to put it truthly and bluntly, I dream of the day I can pop the cork of a bottle of champagne and dance on his freshly filled in grave. I'm not ashamed of that. My father abused me in horrible ways and has never acknowledged or shown remorse for that. For me, the world will feel safer and happier when he's no longer in it.
I'm a good person. I care for others, show compassion and empathy. There are so many things that make me an ethical person - I don't need to forgive my abuser to prove I'm a good person to anyone. Neither should you have to, if you don't want to.
It's healthy to feel anger for your abuser. Many people simply want us to forgive, I believe, because it makes them more comfortable. But it's not about them.
