Powerlessness

[shimmerz]

I did learn something. I am an idiot who can't make brownies anymore. And the thing is, imho, empowerment is about being able to make choices. I don't feel like i can make brownies (keep in mind this is a microcosm of the real PTSD paradox) when I want to, therefore, I am not empowered. Don't mean to be stubborn....

 

[scout86]

I am an idiot who can't make brownies anymore.

Perhaps you are merely a person who has a problem shopping for a pan that's the size of one called for in a recipe.I'd be willing to bet you can bake brownies, under the proper circumstances. :p

I don't feel like i can make brownies (keep in mind this is a microcosm of the real PTSD paradox) when I want to, therefore, I am not empowered.

It works as a microcosm, if you also add "things are not always as they seem". And, you're ASSUMING that means you're not empowered, aren't you? Which, again, from the stand point of being a microcosm, works. But it's an example of some of the same cognitive distortions that are part of the package. "Up to date, accurate information". Remember?

You FEEL not empowered because you can't bake brownies like you used to. But the real problem isn't the brownies. :wideeyed:

 

[Friday]

No idea if this makes sense to anyone else but me.

Makes sense to Thomas Edison!*

"I have not failed. I've just found 10000 ways that won't work."
- Thomas A. Edison

*I also have this quote referenced as Ben Franklin. IDK which. Lol. Regardless it resonates. ;)

 

[shimmerz]

Makes sense to Thomas Edison!*

Thank god it makes sense to someone! That would be a switch! lol. Thanks Friday.

And, you're ASSUMING that means you're not empowered, aren't you?

No, I am actually NOT empowered by the results. Because neither batch was edible and that was the point right?
Problem - supply brownies (edible)
Outcome - not edible

For various reasons. I might get it right next time, but this world, as it measures power in a successful sense, doesn't take the time for me to figure my shit out. Someone directs me to make brownies for a living lets say - they aren't going to wait until I get my shit together and figure it out.

This is where I suggest that Friday's thoughts on 'group' stuff comes in, imo. I know what I need to do but there are pieces that I get lost in .... that as much as I attempt to empower myself in I simply cannot do.

So if we stop looking at brownies (which was small and an epic failure if we look at the 'edible' end result), how does one make sense of the grouping of talents or tasks that are necessary to do more important tasks like sorting out relationships, taking care of children consistently, figuring out legal stuff, being able to make up a resume (ummmm, I think I can do that!).

I feel like it is the end result,in this society that deems one as empowered in society or not. It is very little help when attempting to crawl my way up the PTSD pit of hell to crow about how I at least tried to make brownies.

 

[Kayle]

f*ck the brownies, what society deems an 'appropriate' sized pan to cook them in, and anyone who has anything bad to say about your brownies.

Negative self talk is easy, but eating the botched brownies yourself and telling everyone you dropped them is easier.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@shimmerz You have never and never will be "an idiot." I am in a very similar situation. Need work. Necessity on two levels. Control over basic survival needs, both mentally and the lack of control of anything in your life if you don't have money. Some indy work can carry over, some does not. Then considered an eccentric. Maybe so. Scout 86 is blessed with finding a way to not just work and survive but live. Friday has her talents marketable also which seem to not have a sell by date on them.

It is a torture to try get just a job, and can't get that, can't do that. Chicken and egg. Need some sense of security to rebuild, but need to built up to get to secure.

And as to the brownies. Every oven in my rental dump is evil. Rats no doubt playing with the wiring. So it is not about what you could do then and now in that. All of the the aspects oven to pans to make them were unknowns. And kids love raw brownies.

 

[Changing4Best]

I feel like I can lead a Bible Study about losing weight for my church, because I have done a lot of Bible Studies on this subject and have gone from 187 pounds to 145 or so while doing them. So I will be leading the study some time after the New Year. This way, all the folks who overate during the holidays will hopefully be interested.

I also excel in things creative, like art and writing. I have sold some paintings and I sold an article to a magazine once too. However, I never made enough at these activities in my past to survive on my own, these things were just like hobbies or a small additional income to my husband's income.

 

[Brotherbee]

Empowerment = Choices. That's way enlightening for me. Thanks for starting this thread shimmerz and to all who've contributed. I joined yesterday. Hello:)

It reminds me of something I've kept with me; Just make the next right choice.

But what that "right choice" is can be ridiculously hard to make if I don't feel safe. Having a go-to choice when in this situation and then executing it gives me the greatest sense of empowerment.

My go-to choice is about NOT saying anything destructive and to remove myself from the situation. When I don't, things escalate, I end up saying things I feel guilty and shameful about...that whole cycle that leaves me feeling powerless.

If I succeed, later, I can identify what activated me, but I don't have to contend with the damage my words caused in that relationship.

Oh, how healthy I sound to myself (grin). I've succeeded in making this right choice about 50% of the time lately. That's why I'm here. I need more support. I've damaged 4 personal relationships in the past two weeks.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Welcome @Brotherbee. Most of us are not understood by those close to us. Even without PTSD relationships are hard work. Go easy on the self blame.

 

[Brotherbee]

Welcome @Brotherbee. Most of us are not understood by those close to us. Even wi...

Thank you Changeling:) That's exactly what I needed to hear. I'm trying to say to myself, "lets just skip that part about what a rotten person you are...you know you'll come out of that realizing it's unfair to beat yourself up".

 

[shimmerz]

I've damaged 4 personal relationships in the past two weeks.

For myself, I have recognized that as I grew and changed through my healing, many of my relationships could not adapt to the changes in me. I had changed the rules because I was getting healthier boundaries. Relationship changes are not always bad.

 

[Brotherbee]

Hi Shimmerz, what you said is very relevant to me right now.

My personal relationship self-esteem takes many hits from my upsets. Lately I can better see the other person's limitations and then I can see this simple math that of course I'm getting activated. It's a relationship that just doesn't work for me.

My criteria for what I need and enjoy keeps being further defined. Living in a new city, I made a few mistakes where I lowered my criteria due to loneliness. And moving away allowed me to move away from relationships that weren't working. So, here I stand without friends in my new home, yet they will come. I have enough connection with people in my day to day and through family and old friends to sustain me.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Becoming an expert with mine is a huge goal for me.