New And Strange Dreams

[GWhizz]

Hope I'm posting this in the right section.

I'm currently 7months pregnant with my 2nd child. I know pregnancy itself can bring on nightmares but they've now taken a shift.

I am a csa survivor and was subjected to prostitution as a child also.

Now I keep getting dreams of little girls being held captive, tied up etc and violently abused. I don't know where it's coming from as they're not about me, it feels like it's about my baby or something.

Also when the baby kicks etc it really triggers me, I try to avoid it which usually means dissociation or self-harming to get away from the horrible feelings or flashbacks it brings.

I'm just feeling really low right now. This will probably be my last pregnancy and I don't feel able to enjoy any of it. I'm also really worried about how I'll cope when the baby actually gets here.

My T doesn't want to provoke things at the moment because she knows I'm really struggling trying not to cut etc, so we're just focusing on enhanced coping strategies until baby arrives. But I feel like that means I just have to deal with all the other stuff by myself as it's happening.

My partner is starting to get concerned as he's noticed my sleep has deteriorated and the nightmares are a lot more frequent lately.

I'm really afraid to bring it up with the maternity psych services as I'd rather they didn't know about this stuff. But I'm beginning to wonder if that'd be a better option or not.

 

[kona355]

@GWhizz - You're on the front lines of survival; no wonder you're having such a hard and difficult time after what was done to you. I admire how you've brought yourself through so much already. You've encouraged to continue in the face of my own feelings of hopelessness.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hi GWhizz, congrats., on your soon arriving baby. Given how some mental health professionals behave when you disclose various issues, I too would be reluctant to seek their help at this late stage of your pregnancy.
I think your psych., should be helping a little more than coping strategies which are clearly not working out too well.

Seriously is something going on that has started these night terrors? Is this your first baby daughter, or you think it is a girl? Are you stressed about something you have read or seen which relates back to your own experiences.

Maybe you are sleep deprived, not just because you are having these dreams but as you probably already know the last couple of months are not great for sleeping in the best of pregnancies. Are you having a few cat naps to catch up on being woken more frequently at night?

I know this is all speculation, but I would be telling your psch., & just even telling him/her about them & content might alleviate them. Write a journal. Dreams from PTSD, anxiety etc., don't always relate to you being in them. At least, they don't always for me. But everyone is different. When baby boots you, try breathing deeply & slowly & saying a calming mantra out loud or in your head. Something that you know will reduce/replace the terrible dream or anxiety you feel. If you like do it frequently throughout the day & stroke your baby in a soothing way. Does hubby rub oil on your back & belly to your favorite music to help you drift into sleep? Lots of self care & love, slow down your routine. Lots of gentle help from hubby.
It could be hormones or your hypervigilent protective mothering instinct jumping in a tad too early.

When you feel the need to cut, grab hold of something baby will need & begin your mantra. Not saying it will work but worth a go.

I felt grief before & after my last pregnancy, eventhough I knew I could not carry another child for health reasons. You mention this in your post possibly that is stressing you also. I know all the practical, rational reasons we understand, but emotionally it takes longer.
I don't think I have been much help. I am sure others will have some good advice. In any case we are all here to even just read what you want to rid your head of. Best wishes, I shall be watching out for you. I hope the dreams stop & the rest of your pregnancy goes by normally & you have a beautiful baby to hold & marvel at your little miracle.
B1

 

[Powder]

I had some bizarre dreams during my second pregnancy. They do relate to the baby's past life traumas, and they are shown to you, by the baby, so that you will be caring and sensitive to the baby's soul trauma history.

The fact you are seeing and feeling the trauma shows how sensitive you are, which if handled well, will allow you to actually help heal the trauma. The best healers are healing themselves, so remember to take the best care of your own needs first and foremost.

Try to use aromatherapy (Geranium oil) on your pillow at night. Get some advice for good sleep that is natural for during pregnancy. No need to disclose personal details, just say you are having nightmares.

Do not eat right before bed. If you need a night snack, try fruit and dairy if you tolerate those well. I ate organic fruit leather and fresh apples with a small glass of low fat milk. This helped my digestion, but it depends on your body.

Try sleeping alone in a clean, quiet room with a soft fan running for white noise. Use the geranium oil on your pillow. Dead Link Removed

I think that your seeing this is a sign that your baby and you will have a healing influence on each other, and that you may react a lot to each other, be alike in anxiety issues, and require your partner to be sensitive to the fact that he or she is going to need to respect the fact that one or both of you will be needing a little calming down at any given time. Love conquers it all. Go forward armed with love.

I too shared the same childhood traumas. We can move on and be a good mother, and do well for ourselves in life. Best wishes,

Muse

 

[GWhizz]

Hi GWhizz, congrats., on your soon arriving baby. Given how some mental health professionals behave...

Thanks for your input.

I have a 2-year-old son already and don't know the sex of this baby. I guess another issue is that I have placenta previa at the moment and possibly accreta, which means that it may be a surgical birth and on top of that, I may lose my uterus. I know I'm thinking worst case scenario but I feel robbed of my body again. I was planning a homebirth as I hate being a hospital patient. Also, my son's birth brought up so much for me to deal with, I don't know will this throw up more again..

I'm definitely sleep deprived. Always have been. Average night is 2-4hrs, bad nights being 1-2. I'm doing a full-time postgrad so I have zero time for myself, let alone catnap or even give much thought to this poor baby unfortunately. I haven't even bought it anything yet, making me feel even more disconnected to it.

My partner is good, he actually rubs my back every night as it's one of the only things that helps me to unwind and drift off.

Due to my busy work and study schedule, I actually took a couple of months away from therapy. I only met with my T last week to discuss how we'll move forward. She is now off for the holidays so I won't see her again until the new year. We figured we'll only have about 6 weeks at best before baby arrives and I think she's afraid going hard will push me away again. I almost quit last time but instead agreed to a break that was necessary with my full-on schedule anyway. Self-care is a rarity I guess... I usually try to invest the spare time I do have, working more on my relationship with my son as I feel he really suffered with my crappy behaviour when he was really young.

I honestly don't know where these nightmares are coming from. I guess a part of me feels guilty bringing another child into the world when I feel so damaged already. I also have zero family support due to my past which makes having your own little family incredibly difficult. I wonder how much I could protect a daughter if I had one. I fear that maybe one day she'd resent all the weaknesses I have and how I put them onto my children.

I just feel stupid for everything. And angry at the world that kids are enslaved in this kinda crap. I guess there's been a lot on the news here lately about that Irish guy extradited to the US who ran that child porn site. Maybe that's playing on my mind a bit too.

 

[Anarchy]

Hi GWhizz,
Sorry that you are having such a rough time of it

Omg! The medical possibilities sound horrible. Really hoping that the worst case is incorrect.

With nightmares, I can sometimes manage lucid dreaming, and go back into the dream.

It doesnt always work, but if you do get back in... It's your head and you have any superpower you can think of.

Are you able to avoid news?

Sending you best wishes
@

 

[Panda Bear]

I can't respond to this....but know what you are feeling is normal considering the circumstances. As I have experienced them too. I just can't explain or know how to talk you down right now.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hi again, knowing more details about what you are currently contending with from past to present, little wonder you are experiencing such 'active' sleep. You have so much to deal with in emotional, physical, intellectual, practical & health areas, the fact that you are not a blubbering wreck astounds me.
But you are paying a high price. Such uncertainty, fear, guilt & myriad of mixed emotions all shoving their way into your daily thinking & not sleeping enough! Most beyond your current, complete control also. I think that these dreams probably derive from setting such high standards for yourself. With 6 weeks to go till birth there is probably nothing to stop the dreams, but the above suggestions may help, worth a try! Maybe your brain just isn't getting enough time to process so much, hence it's encroaching on the little sleep you manage.
Most of all, please try to stop putting your mothering skills down. You had horrific experiences & have risen above them, to what you are now. You have broken the cycle that so often entangles others to repeat their own trauma on their own children. You should be comforted by that. As for your sons birth & your mothering skills afterwards, hey nobody gets it all right & it's more how you go forward & mothering him into the future that will really add up. I think most mother's consider what kind of WORLD we are bringing our babies into, as well as our own skills to care & protect them in your own home. I certainly did & looking back, I can be very harsh on myself over some things I could have done better, but it doesn't alter a dam thing, except my self loathing becoming worse. Just do what you can, with what you know now & give yourself a break. Under your circumstances, I think you are doing fine, even great! Don't try & find meaning in dreams that will probably pass when you get through this rough patch & if they persist when your psych gets back, follow it up with him or her. Best of luck on all areas. I truly hope you can put a lot of this behind you & despite a hospital birth, these complications do not come to pass.

 

[GWhizz]

Just wanted to thank everyone for your responses. It's been a busy week so not getting much time for this site.

Thanks @blackemerald1 maybe I do put myself down as a mother. But I really do feel like I'm not doing my best by my son or unborn baby

 

[blackemerald1]

Then if this is persistent, what can you change that would make the biggest difference for your son & coming baby starting tomorrow. Discuss with your hubby & see if it can be accomplished. But don't belt yourself up, if right now it's just not doable. Quality vs quantity in terms of time management with your son for instance. You DO know best, despite your doubts.
Good luck!