Relationship The Universe And The Postal Service Have Terrible Timing!

[Livy's Mom]

As hard as it was to file the child support paperwork, I got it done and tried to put it out of my mind.

I knew the holiday was going to be difficult with his absence so I was prepping and felt as ready as I could be.

Yesterday I get a text from his mother telling me that his aunt (he is currently living with) reached out to her saying he was depressed for several days and felt that his family had turned their backs on him by continuing to have a relationship with me. She also said some cryptic things about how he was taking off Christmas morning and spending the day alone.

Anyway, apparently he was fine and I guess all was well since I never heard back that he was in fact having a difficult time or should I say even more difficult than he's already having.

Late evening I get the call from his mom saying he called her telling her to F off and hung up on her because unfortunately he received the child support paperwork yesterday. On Christmas Eve. Excellent timing.

You may be wondering why he's so upset at his mother about having received the child support paperwork... I mean it certainly isn't her who filed it right?! Well the letterhead read "department of human services".... His mom works in that incredibly large department but has NO connection to child support whatsoever.

He apparently now believes that his mother pushed the paperwork through on my behalf when she obviously could have just shred them when they came in the door.

Complete and total irrational thinking. If anyone is interested, I'm open to suggestions on how to continue to be supportive and loving without sacrificing my or my daughters well being.

I'm committed to her and I first but do still very much want him to know I am here. In whatever capacity he needs me to be.

I get that he is nowhere near seeing me or my actions for what they truly are but I still have a strong desire/want/need/obligation to support even from afar as the enemy.

Thoughts welcome.

 

[scout86]

I think you're just going to have to ride this one out. Either he's going to have to figure "reality" out on his own, or someone else is going to have to give him a shove in the right direction. You really can't. He's not going to be willing to listen to you.

My ex's first wife always seems to time legal stuff to coincide with holidays. (She told him she'd filed for divorce on Valentine's Day.) It was usually this time of year, when there was lots of other stuff going on too. And she's ask for more money. (She earned more than he & I did combined.) I always kind of figured it was deliberate (so did he). Maybe it wasn't. In the end it didn't REALLY matter.

 

[Livy's Mom]

Filing was the right thing to do.. No doubt about that but him receiving the notification on the holiday. Ugh... Terrible terrible timing.

I agree there is nothing I can do. I suppose my question should have been what coping strategies have you found to be successful in letting go of that need/want to help.

I don't actually do or say anything to him anymore but the desire to is ALWAYS there. Basically I'm one casual glass of wine away from the I LOVE YOU, PLEASE LET ME HELP YOU! text.. Hahaha.

Nobody wants that....

 

[scout86]

Nobody wants that....

No, and it wouldn't help. About all I can suggest is reminding yourself that it wouldn't help. Because I think you really DO wish you could. He's just going to have to work his way through this and maybe, in the process, he'll get some useful insight into the other stuff that's going on in his life.

I hope you and your daughter had a good Christmas anyway!

 

[Livy's Mom]

Good news, no drunken holiday I love you, let me fix you texts were sent and my daughter and I made it through the holiday just fine.

She enjoyed every minute of it. Couldn't have asked for more than that really.

I will admit that I did refuse a gift that was left for my daughter by the family member who continues to actively enable and support her fathers decline into his illnesses.

Passive aggressive, immature, rude... Yes. All of those things I think apply. I know I SHOULD have been able to rise above my emotion but I actively chose not to and I feel good about it.

Had the person actually been in attendance I may have hit her in the face with the gift but that's just me daydreaming....

I go to sleep tonight feeling like I delivered a solid holiday for my girl. Can't complain when I see her joy.