Worried - Possible Abusive Relationship?

[Friday]

At the end of the day, I would have probably done what I wanted, true. But there were things early on that if they had simply pulled me aside and said "hey, Desi. I know you are all giddy with love and shit but look at what he's doing. This guy is going to wind up hurting you" I would have carried those words with me. I would have KNOWN that I could have turned to that person and asked for help. Instead I stayed some place much longer and the stakes got much worse because I was so damned afraid that no one would believe me and that I was the nut job.

Yes.

All of this, but the bolded part? Is exactly what I did, and what I had, because my friend was honest with me.

 

[scout86]

Seconding what Desi & Friday said. After my divorce, I had several people tell me they "could have told me what my ex was, if I'd asked them". And my DAD actually told me he never liked him, but never said anything! :mad: I suppose he was trying to be nice..... She will do what she will do, but it sure wouldn't hurt to say, "Hey, what's the deal with the dog? Is this guy always like that?" Some good ideas already here.

 

[desiderata310]

All of this, but the bolded part? Is exactly what I did, and what I had, because my friend was honest with me.

When all was said and done, I no longer considered those people my friends.
Each one of them has in some way or other shown that they were not my friends since this all happened. So... there's that as well.:(

 

[LuckyDuck]

Keep in mind if you do talk to her things might not be received well. It's a tough thing to talk about. He does have red flags.

 

[shimmerz]

When I asked why they didn't speak up they said they didn't think I would listen.

It is a popular societal value (and a dangerous one) that people not 'stick their noses' into relationship issues. I, personally think that value is wrong, but what do I know?

Sometimes it takes making the mistake to recognize that someone had the balls enough to speak up - and that may take years.... but really, what are friends for if not to have our backs? It isn't always easy being a friend

 

[Justmehere]

Tell her about your concerns. Kicking a defenseless puppy until an entire group of people have to tell him to stop... start there and talk about any other concerns you have.

It may not make an outward difference now, but down the road, when she sees the red flags herself, your concerns may echo in her mind, and help her have courage to walk away.

 

[scout86]

One of my best friends refused to be best man for his (former) best friend because he didn't like the bride. They are still married, lo these many years later. But we still don't like her! LOL

I don't think it's necessary to make a huge fuss and I don't think you have to claim to be sure of things you're not actually sure of, but you can sure express your doubts and concerns.

The friends who remarked about my ex are all guys I didn't know back then. They have promised to review any potential future choices for me. :nailbiting: :happy:

 

[Friday]

ETA (this got long :p... Moving it here)

Oh... And the nut job part? When I did divorce my ex I lost all of "our" friends (the ones who didn't go straight to his side, I eventually sent a big f*ck. You. email to and cut contact), and most of my family still doesn't believe me... Even though for awhile I carried both xRays AND his damn confession to the courts around with me. No one wants to believe they know, much less like, an abusive prick. Hello! I get that you like him! I liked him enough to marry the bastard! Sigh. That doesn't sink in. People would MUCH rather believe that someone they like is overreacting/ is making a big deal out of nothing, than someone they like is something they "hate" in their head. It just causes too much confusion for them to admit they were wrong. 12,000 kinds of denial.

Convo a couple years ago... About 2 years after my divorce, & 1 year since I cut contact with any/all of "our" friends... Bumped into someone at the store who wanted to get together. Early days? I might have. That day?

"Are you still hanging out with my rapist?" ((I pick that one because rape offends people more than most things, but it's what hurts the least from my marriage.))
"What? No! What are you talking about? Of course not! I would never-"
"I thought you had him over for the weekly BBQ last week. My son said so."
"OMG! Who???"
Blink. Blink.
"My ex?"
They start blinking looking confused
"You remember the signed confession & xRays I showed you 2 years ago?"
They suddenly look relieved.
"Oh! That! Honey, everyone gets mad when they get divorced."

For. f*cks. Sake.

For real... I have had dozens of interactions with people post divorce (with freaking courtroom evidence!), hundreds whilst married, where people completely blew off, downplayed, or didn't believe anything I had to say.

I have yet to find anyone in DV who hasn't had both that ^^^ experience, as well as "Oh! I knew all along!" :mad: Really??? Thanks. For. Looking. Out. :shifty:

 

[desiderata310]

It is a popular societal value (and a dangerous one) that people not 'stick their noses' into relationship issues. I, personally think that value is wrong, but what do I know?

I have a friend who (very much different situation) dated a girl who just was mean and wrong for him in every way. I told him several times over the course of their 'relationship' while they broke up and got back together and broke up again that she was in every way a bad person and killing who he was .

The last time the got together I became so frustrated because I had just spent a good month and a half putting him 'back together' so to speak that when he got back with her, I told him one more time that I ACTIVELY disapproved of her and would NOT offer my advice or opinion ever again unless specifically asked. I held true to that. And when he came back about 6 months later after they broke up again- this time for good, he told me that my friendship and willingness to tell him the truth even though it meant I basically lost him as a friend for almost 2 years meant more to him than I could possibly imagine.

Fact is, if the person is a friend, you SHOULD tell them. Because you love them. And sometimes the truth sucks and it hurts.

 

[desiderata310]

They suddenly look relieved.
"Oh! That! Honey, everyone gets mad when they get divorced."

:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:
THIS! ALL OF THIS!!!

 

[Nevermore]

I'm not sure about all this pressure on friends to warn, save or understand when
ur in an snusive situation. I was in one myself for 15 years s d I think at times people did try to say things. But the truth is I was there, I saw the same thingz but I didn't want to see the truth.
No one could have saved me until I decided to open my own eyes.
I was mostly angry at my own self for being so dam blinded

 

[shimmerz]

For real... I have had dozens of interactions with people post divorce (with freaking courtroom evidence!), hundreds whilst married, where people completely blew off, downplayed, or didn't believe anything I had to say.

*Sigh* Yes. Or going even further, things they actually saw.

Witness clears throat.
'Ummmm, Shimmerz, I don't get involved with relationships between husbands and wives.'
Shimmerz 'Really? Too late. You actually saw him do it. That MAKES you involved. Clearly your choice is cowardice.'

Same as the dog in the OP's story. People are cowards. Someone should have picked that guy up by the throat and tossed him out the door. Period.

People would MUCH rather believe that someone they like is overreacting/ is making a big deal out of nothing, than someone they like is something they "hate" in their head. It just causes too much confusion for them to admit they were wrong.

That they were wrong OR that they should actually do something.