Sufferer My Story; Me

[lostforgottensoul]

Completely understandable. There might be an audio version or an app that you can download that can read th...

Thank you! Knowing im not alone helps more than you know! Though im.sorry you suffered too! I will look into the audio book. Thank you!

 

[MCCS]

Thank you! Knowing im not alone helps more than you know! Though im.sorry you suffered too! I...

You're very welcome, it helps me as well coming on here and realizing none of us are alone in this. We may have suffered in the past but we are survivors working on recovery :)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

We may have suffered in the past but we are survivors working on recovery :)

Indeed!

 

[I'm not Spiderman]

@lostforgottensoul You are a real survivor. So much respect for you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@lostforgottensoul You are a real survivor. So much respect for you.[/QUOTE...

I dont know about a "survivor"; i dont feel that, yet. But i cant deny that something pretty big happened in a series of a few week but the biggest thing that caused that change was yesterday's post and being not just willing be ble to talk about it in depth with my therapist. Before yesterday i said to my therapist "i did this..." and moved on as fast as i could. If ever brought up i changed the subject as fast as i could. The tread im talking is here: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-...-of-2-reasons-im-a-monster.58415/#post-938461 in case you or anyone hasnt read it. It was a 3 way post; making it simi-public to something only my therapist knew of, reading it outloud in a safe space to my therapist, and feel what was to be felt without running (was more about talking more in depth about it without running as when i read it i didnt feel much; but when i read outloud to my therapist i usually dont; likely because im dyslexic, my mind is concentrating on turning the letters back around and it takes usually 5 times reading something to really understand what im reading; but half way through writing the self anger and self hatred changed to hurt and pain, my theeapist said that was big). And the fact that today i posted about something and posted that i felt anxiety and HURT is HUGE for me; as the only emotion i could identify and feel was anger; with anxiety and self hatred. Im sure this thing, my most guarded and tightly kept secert, sharing it to the world allowed some the self anger and self hatred to come off a bit to feel pain today and know i felt pain. In 6 yrs of therapy, i could never identify with pain or at least i couldnt ever face it and it kept me stuck. A lot of self awareness is helping to unstick me. Not at the place yet that i can say im a survivor and not say im a waste of air, but im getting there and can see change and movement and the fact that I, ME, I can see the change instead of my therapist telling me theres change without me feeling it; thats big in of itself. Sigh! Thank you! I think since its was pounded into me that im everything thats bad in this world; i need to pound in the opposite of that to get myself to really believe it. I wish psycos wouldnt exisit to need a site like this but they do and i needed support so bad and sucked up every bit of it on this site and im thankful that my therapist sent me here! I always thought of PTSD only for those in combat. My childhood just couldnt be as bad as forced to killl people, no way. I was diagnosed with it about 3 yrs ago but i think i spent the first 2 and a half in denial about it lol. I ramble a lot, im sorry. Thank you!

 

[Mel (Hippo256)]

I feel sorry you had to go through all that. You're really taking big steps. You're really strong! I'm glad therapy and the other things you're doing seem to work now :) you deserve improvement and to be happy.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I feel sorry you had to go through all that. You're really taking big steps. You're really strong...

Thank you! Still working on the "you deserve good" rather than "you deserve bad" but yes, big steps indeed. Its actually the biggest steps and self awareness ive taken and had in my entire time in therapy, except maybe telling my therapist why i was really there but almost 7 yrs, this is the biggest. Its SOOOO hard to unbrainwash yourself.

 

[Mel (Hippo256)]

Thank you! Still working on the "you deserve good" rather than "you deserve bad" but yes, big...

I know, it's really hard. And sometimes I fall back into the thinking I had when I was brainwashed, but luckily that's just for short periods of time now. After a lot of time with progress, when it happens again there's like this tiny part in your head or what you feel that this thinking is off, there's something wrong with it. At that moment I just don't realize what exactly. I talk about it with my partner all the time and that helps against falling back, against the confusion. I hope it will help you too, talking about it. When you do notice it, like you're doing now that's just really good. It's good because you can look it back when you have trouble seeing the steps you made. And it's good when you're starting to doubt as well or when you've fallen back.

And I already thought you would still be working on accepting that you deserve good instead of bad. But that's ok. It takes a lot of time and it's so good that you're working on it. I hope you will feel it in your heart, and everywhere in your body someday, that you deserve good, that you deserve to be loved. And I hope you will find that special person that will love you, too.

(I hope I don't sound like preaching too much right now. I just recognize a lot of myself in what I've seen of you so far (the way you think/used to think etc.) and I'm glad you can see it that you're making progress. That's such a difficult step).

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@lostforgottensoul an official welcome :)

We have talked a bit on another thread and I think you are amazing strong and smart. You are also very brave.

I dont know about a "survivor"; i dont feel that, yet.

Each day the sun rises. It's a fact. I know it. I don't need to question it because each day, while it might be different, I see its light. I might not see the sun itself because of clouds or feel its warming rays in the winter. That does not change the fact that the sun rises.

Fact: You made it out alive. You are a survivor.

Challenging beliefs, false truths and brainwashing is a difficult process, the lies become a part of our identity and "knowing" who/what we are, even if its false and extremely painful, is actually more comfortable than letting go. Wrestling with the uncertainty of "I don't know who I am" and the work of redefining, is not for everyone. Each person makes the choice regularly of what works for them.

Sometimes the first movement in a new direction starts with the smallest step.

Tomorrow when you see the light of day, look at your hands and know just as sure as the sun rises, you are a survivor.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Challenging beliefs, false truths and brainwashing is a difficult process, the lies become a part of our identity and "knowing" who/what we are, even if its false and extremely painful, is actually more comfortable than letting go.

Tell me about it, I know. Im fighting my own mind, very hard and even if i still think the "devil on my shoulder" is winning the war with the "angel" (i feel this more than a fight, it feels more like a war) im hoping the "angel" gained huge ground with this self awareness.

Tomorrow when you see the light of day, look at your hands and know just as sure as the sun rises, you are a survivor.

Ive been trying very hard to think certian things even if i dont feel it, as my therapist has me doing that, so i will add this one in the list. :)

 

[crazyhorse69]

Thanks for sharing your horrific experiences, as a kid, my own mother nearly murdered me on several occassions from age forward, until I was large enough at age 13 to fight back, I never had suicidal thoughts but I did have homicidal thoughts of killing her and freeing myself of her torture and cruelty. I ran away from home several times at age 8, went to the neighbors begging for help, and cleaned out a old dog house in the back yard and would hide in it until mother would sleep. Alot of these experiences I had repressed for years until getting sober in 2008 and working the steps in AA. my mother was a religious fundamentalist legalistic and rigid, Sharing my experience of that time frame and what I experienced has come slowly, for the first time in 30 years my side of the story is being told. I to have had major problems with the god thing, because one day back 30 years ago as a 8 year old boy laying in a field of tall grass behind my house I prayed to god to rescue me from the satanic bitch who was hunting me down in the field, The concept of trust was erased from my existence at age 8 and I felt betrayed by both parents extremely early on in life.

Anyways, your story is horrific and hope you have the best year of your life this 2016

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I never had suicidal thoughts but I did have homicidal thoughts of killing her and freeing myself of her torture and cruelty. I ran away from home several times

I had a murder suicide plot when i was 14, my mentor at a christian yourh center (weird i accepted soloce at a CHRISTIAN you center but i did), i had all the knifes in a backpack, pills enough to kill myself, he had no idea of the murder in the suicide plot, he thought it was just suicide (guess he had a bad feeling due to my behavior cuz i didnt tell anyone) but he didnt let me go until i changed my mind; though i always slept with a knife in my pillow case and it was never found, i never used it. Not sure if i could of gone through with it but if i could of he saved 3 lives, not one. And though i recently got back in contact with him and though i did tell him of the reality of what was happening; i never told him of this. He and a vollunteer there, they were my saving angels, the volunteer, she told me when i moved out that she knew that something was happening but i would never admit to anything. She took me away from the house some.

I ran away from home several times at age 8

I also ran away several times as a teenager; though it was just to be homeless (i didnt trust people) and cops always brought me back; usually the one cop that was in their cult so that i could get proper punishment. I even tried deep into the woods but didnt know or owned everything i needed. I slept 2 days in the grass, sneaking out to get water, i came home after 2 days.

I to have had major problems with the god thing

As do i; still today but hope one day to get the whole god thing unmixed up.