Relationship Exhausted Dealing With Him

[Peach]

@EHooligan Welcome. You will certainly find a wealth of knowledge and understanding here, both on how to keep yourself in one piece and about symptoms and PTSD itself. Read around, ask questions, vent if you need. That will all help with your side of things, but if he is unwilling to try to better himself, well, these things don't just go away if you ignore them.

 

[EHooligan]

Thank you Peach, it is such a relief to know that there are other people out there dealing with this. I was really ready to just quit and walk away until I saw this site.

 

[Sighs]

@scout86 - He has made it very clear that he is the CO and I am the 2IC.

 

[scout86]

Ewwww. How do you feel about that?

 

[Justmehere]

Link Removed - He has made it very clear that he is the CO and I am the 2IC.

Ugh. :(

He won't apologise. (Example: Me: You need to stop talking to me like that. Him: You need to stop giving me a reason to talk to you like that.)

If I try to bring it up later when he has calmed down his response is that I should just get over it. (Example: Me: When you yell and swear at me I get upset. Him: I can't keep selling my soul. If you want to brood over every time I'm terse with you then I'm not your man.)

This would drive me BONKERS. You are handling it much better than I would.

You are doing a really good job being clear on what needs to change, and stating what you need. He has learned that commanding people to do things gets what he wants - and that may be that he wants to push people away without knowing it. He's probably going to keep doing it until it stops "working" for him or he ends up alone. Or you end up being miserable all the time. It's not fair to you at all. :hug:

 

[Friday]

- He has made it very clear that he is the CO and I am the 2IC.

Ewwww. How do you feel about that?

<chuckling> You know, that's actually something over the past several months I've decided I want. LOL. Ahem. Not offering to take yours off your hands @Sighs ;) Although you wouldn't have to twist my arm much to get me to come kick him in the head when he's got it squarely up his ass.

Just that in looking over all my past relationships (good & bad) lo these many months (actually, @Sighs, I think following you saying something similar :P) and sorting out the pieces that worked and the pieces that didn't, that was a piece that both consistently worked, and those have in general been the ones where I'm happiest. Shrug. I'm a follower. Always have been. I won't follow idiots willingly, would rather be on my own. Also not submissive in the classic sense, exactly. Snort. That's a bit of a laugh, actually. Will go toe to toe with just about anyone. I simply make a helluva 2nd. I can lead when I have to, but I don't enjoy it. Where I really rock out with my cock out, is backing up my partner. Full on partners. They have my back and I have theirs... But. IDK. It's difficult to explain. Being 2nd doesn't mean coming in 2nd (much less last!) place. And in a lot of ways it has both more power than alphas, and more freedom. It just suits me down to the ground. Not an easy thing to find, that dynamic. But when is love ever easy to find?

Like @scout86 , though, I'm curious how you feel about that arrangement?

 

[Peach]

That surprises me, Friday.

I'm curious, too, because as for myself I generally like to either lead or am side by side. Don't like following behind; not on the road, not in the grocery store, not usually while walking with someone (especially someone I know...I may defer to a relative stranger like at a new job). And absolutely not in my romantic relationships - things must be equal, not always and in all subjects, of course, but the give and take needs to remain pretty much in balance for me.

Not to worry though, I am a benevolent leader. LOL :p

 

[Nicolette]

Hi @Sighs

Here's a few things which crossed my mind as soon as I read your post.

(Example: Me: You need to stop talking to me like that. Him: You need to stop giving me a reason to talk to you like that.)

• When you say things like "you need to....." it can be interpreted as an attack. Have you tried re-phrasing to "I don't like you..... would you please stop?"

f I try to bring it up later when he has calmed down his response is that I should just get over it. (Example: Me: When you yell and swear at me I get upset. Him: I can't keep selling my soul.

• How long is later? Normally someone having a heightened episode of PTSD doesn't calm down internally in a short period of time.

I've found with PTSD you have to pick your battles. Also be mindful that if someone with PTSD is having a tough time then they probably are having a tough time just processing normal things let alone changes in behaviour. Personally I would calmly and quietly keep reiterating in short sentences when being spoken to that it's unacceptable and if it continues, simply turn your back and walk out of the room. Perhaps you could give that a try?

 

[Sighs]

My parents have spent 50 years arguing over who wears the pants in their relationship. I certainly don't want that. I've been the leader in past relationships and it's a different kind of exhausting. This is the first relationship where I've been prepared to accept being 2IC. He's just SO alpha that it's the only way it could possibly work. I'm ok with not being the boss. But I don't speak to my subordinates at work like that. I don't speak to my daughter like that. Hell - I don't speak to our dogs like that!

I've tried the whole "when you do X I feel Y" and he just says that's your problem.

Later is several hours to a couple of days. Makes no difference.

I can't help feeling that this is sonetging he is not willing to change. And I guess that's what upsets me. That he is not willing to work on it. At least if he conceded it was not acceptable... Sigh!

 

[Nicolette]

I can't help feeling that this is sonetging he is not willing to change. And I guess that's what upsets me. That he is not willing to work on it. At least if he conceded it was not acceptable... Sigh!

Ok, that's fair enough. So my question is, is the problem PTSD symptoms or is it personality? Do you think you will get the response from him you want? If he concedes once or all of the time, will it change anything? I'm asking all these questions as I feel you might have to decide if you can live with a personality trait you don't like or not. :meh:

 

[Sighs]

My gut feel is that's it's a personality trait ramped up to the Nth degree by PTSD.

I agree - I either have to bail or find s way to live with it... Sigh!